A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi to all you advisors out there on this site. I don't have a problem, but here's the story. A few weeks ago we had friends over and somehow the subject of my 'former best friend' came up. He is only a 'former best friend' because of his divorce, he moved almost 1/2 the country away, and I only see him once a year. Anyway, a few years ago, while still living near us, and just going thru his divorce, one time he was staying over, and took a shower in the master bathroom, and came out and got dressed in front of my wife who was folding laundry in our bedroom. Some of our friends knew this before, but some didn't. It started a whole discussion on who was more wrong, my friend for being naked in front of my wife, or my wife for staying in the room when he took the towel off. I stated it's no big deal. Well, this got into a whole conversation about all the friends we knew (none of those present were talked about) who cheated on each other, and what constitutes cheating. There were a lot of differing opinions. I told our friends I would write to an advice site with my list of what IS cheating and what ISN'T cheating in my opinion and see what all you advice givers have to chip in on this subject. I'm going to print out all your answers and read them to our friends next time a bunch of us are together.MY LISTS: (all these mean with someone not your spouse).CHEATING:- sexual intercourse- oral sex (blowjob or otherwise)- handjobs- make out kissing- rubbing genital areas over clothes- chatting online, or on the phone in a sexual manner intended to induce orgasm in one or both people.- seeing a porn movie together.NOT CHEATING:- 'regular' kiss hello or goodbye with a good friend, even of the opposite sex.- hugs- neck or back rubs- chatting online, or on the phone about regular everyday things, even if it's a little flirty.- seeing someone naked if by accident, or in a harmless situation.- having friends of the opposite sex if your spouse knows and approves of it.- seeing a regular movie, or going out for lunch or dinner (as long as it's not taking time away from your spouse).I'm looking forward to all your opinions of what I think constitutes cheating and what doesn't.Thanks,Bob.
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best friend, divorce, flirt, hand-job, kissing, oral sex, orgasm, porn Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Minelisse  +, writes (24 June 2008):
 Well... what happened to the list? Any edits? What did friends say?
A
female
reader, Midge  +, writes (19 June 2008):
 I agree 100% with you. I would however say that I would NOT constitute having a fantasy about someone as cheating. You havent done anything wrong. You have thought about it Yes, but you have not done anything about it. It works the same as "you can look, but dont touch!"
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2008): Cheating is anything you would do that you would keep from your wife, if you would hide it from your wife or girlfriend or fiancee its cheating.
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A
female
reader, Minelisse +, writes (19 June 2008):
LOL!! So you've really given it some thought huh? LOL!!
My changes to your well described list would be:
Cheating
- Having an affectionate relationship with someone that would deteriorate my relationship with my partner (being emotionally intimate with someone else rather than myself), texting, emails, flirty notes at work. Emotional cheating.
Gray zone (situations that might not constitute cheating but would be, to me, inappropriate... BIG red flags)
- Seeing a porn movie together (if they don't do anything, then it is definitely not cheating)
- Back and neck rubs
- Someone of the opposite sex being naked with my partner
- Going out to dinner or talking with someone from the opposite sex without telling me
Can't think of anything else right now! Good luck with the trivia... nice one!
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A
female
reader, Relatefull :). +, writes (19 June 2008):
Cheating to me is Haveing done something sexual for example kissing ( snogging) sex oral what ever ..Hugging is no where near cheating and i think that your Friend was wrong to do that infront of you wife but Nothing happend so dont make a big deal about it ..have a word with your friend . you are makeing somthing out of nothing.! X you have to much to loose ! x
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