A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm so scared right now. My grandmother is very ill at the moment! She has severe memory loss, rarely knows what she's doing and basically has lost her mind. All the family are so concerned about her, she lives with my grandad who tries his best to look after her (sorting out her pills, washes up, does the shopping etc.) but it's proving too much for him, he poured his heart out to my mother yesterday when we went to visit. He also claims that she's tried to attack him many times over daft arguments, then afterwards she'll just burst out crying.She's had several injections by the doctors to try and improve her memory but she just feels depressed all the time and doesn't eat or even drink much. On top of this, she never steps foot outside the house - and on the few occasions that she has come out somewhere with us, we consider it an achievement as she can be very stubborn at times.No-one knows what to do for best, it would be such a relief if they'd go into a care home (they're both in their early 80's) then my gran could get properly looked after but my grandad loves their garden (he does alot of gardening to occupy him) too much to leave it behind. The most worrying thing is that my gran sometimes leaves the gas full on without realising and my grandad smokes, so just a light of a cigarette could blow up the house!! I speak on behalf of myself and relatives, and really need some advice on what to do! please please help!x
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female
reader, Midge +, writes (21 July 2008):
 To be honest I am in a similar situation just now. My dad has severe alzheimers and he is only 66. He does stupid things and his memory is diabolical to say the least. His trade/hobbies has always been cars and buses, but obviously now he cant do that because of his illness and the fact that he just about kills himself every time he touches a car now.
I totally understand where you are coming from because I am in this situation.
My mom and I have been looking at alternate accomodation for my mom and dad, like a care home but you live as a couple and just have people looking in on you every day. So you have your independance but at the same time, if my mom needs to go out to do the shopping she doesnt have to panic that the old bugger is going to do something stupid and kill himself. The warden checks up on the residence every day and if something needs fixed she arranges it so that my mom, dad and I dont have the added stress of having to organise someone coming to sort it.
Putting my dad into a bog standard care home is not something I would do as it takes away their independance, and my dad has always been a very independant person. The reason we have been looking at this is purely because my mom has been diagnosed with bowl cancer and she will also need someone to help her soon. I can do it in the evenings and weekends but I need someone to help them during the day when I cant.
What your mum should be looking at is what types of care homes are available in your area. Remembering that its not just a care home that they need. People put into care tend to just wither away as LazyGuy said, and that is the last thing you want. You want them to have independance but at the same time, a helping hand there, when they need it.
A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (21 July 2008):
 There are homecare solutions. Taking people out of their home and into a resthome where they are taken care of is seen by some as exactly the wrong thing to do. A mind that is not used goes to waste. People who go into homes often just wither away.
What can be done? Very little but try to understand how she feels. Once she was a mother, raised her kids, ran her home, coped with all the minor and major crisis that comes with being a wife and a mother and now, she is becoming as helpless as a child. She can't remember things she knows she once knew, daily tasks become a pain or even impossible, basically her body and mind is falling apart and there is nothing she can do about it.
You could try to find homecare for them. Family helping out on a rotation basis. Switching the stove for one that doesn't allow the gas to flow with it being lit. There are all kinds of handy solutions.
Because your grandfather is also to be considered, how would you feel if your parents suddenly put you in a creche at your age, took all your freedoms away and stopped you from doing your hobbies? He and she are grown-ups, treat them like this, because one day it will be you in this situation.
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A
female
reader, PsyCookie  +, writes (21 July 2008):
 First of all I want to say that I feel for you. I don't have my grandparents anymore and I know the feeling of seeing them suffering (my grandma had breast cancer and my grandad burst his liver).Although I'm no doctor, what I think that your grandma has is Alzheimers. Have the doctors diagnosed this to your grandmother? The characteristics you put are signs of this illness. Now, I think you're asking on how you could help your grandpa, but you don't want them to go to a nursing home. The first thing that came to my mind was a private nurse. Although this is more expensive, it's a better thing to do than the nursing home. The private nurse will help your grandad take care of your grandmother and with her medical background she will probably know what to do in certain situations.Another thing that came up in my mind was that if one of your relatives didn't do much around, that he could go to your grandparent's house and help a bit. Also, between your family you could take turns to go help him. This is very time consuming for the family, but it's the cheapest. This are the only two things I could come up. I hope others or someone in your family comes up with a better solution but I hope that whatever your family decides to help your grandparents will be for the better. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, mima  +, writes (21 July 2008):
 if you really care that much, i think you should sit as a family and decide who, coz somebody in his rght senses has to volunteer and go stay with them. if not one , then two. remember, these are the same people who took care of you or your parents, unconditionally and it will be a thing of pride to both parties if that decision is made. if not possible, then you take them to the care home. it's just like i might guess, there once was a time that their child wanted a barbie full psckage or a superman outfit and they did all they could to get it. so pls, if possible, don't take grandad away from his garden.
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A
female
reader, xxkissxx +, writes (21 July 2008):
i know this is a very very hard time at the moment for yourself and your family but the best thing to do is speak to your parents and see what they recommend,
yor nan could go into a home but it not saying your granddad has to he can see your nan any time that he likes,
at least if your nan did go into a home she would have the best possible care and will be well looked after and as your granddad is in his early 80's himself this would be more appropriate as he hasnt got the stress of looking after your nan eventhough he loves her dearly.
in the best interest and care of your nan it would be the best place for her with proffesionals.
hope this helps x
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