A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I don't know what to do about my girlfriend. When we first got together she was really confident and sure of herself (maybe because she'd just lost a huge amount of weight). About six months into our relationship she got really paranoid about my ex girlfriend after she read a comment when I joked to a friend of mine that the ex was hotter than my girlfriend. My ex is better looking, from an objective viewpoint, and she is smarter and more popular, but I love my current girlfriend more.Anyway, I have a few female friends and my girlfriend gets quite jealous of them and uncomfortable when I spend time with them. I have this one female friend who I have class with who is very pretty, smart, and just a cool person. My girlfriend overheard me calling my friend drop dead gorgeous and now she's really upset and depressed and I don't know what to do about it. She hates the way she looks now and I try to tell her I love the way she looks but she doesn't listen. She gets all quiet and stuff whenever I spend time with this girl (usually studying, we were partnered together on a project). The other day we were out and one of my friends mentioned what a good sort my friend is and my girlfriend just got this upset look on her face. I don't know what to do. I love my girlfriend but I have class with this girl so I have to spend time with her. What can I do to make my girlfriend feel better?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2014): Omg seriously???? Be fair to this girl and let her find one of the many men who will treat her like the most beautiful woman alive .... And believe me , they are everywhere!!!! Just waiting for her to realise how she is wasting her time with a guy who can't get his eyes off other women!!!!!
She deserves to be and feel like number one!!!! The smartest and prettiest and the fact is that you cannot or will not give that to her....
There are plenty of better men who will! Be fair and let her find one
I'm sorry if that seems harsh but it's totally true
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2014): You are the worst kind of boyfriend ever. I mean you are totally disrespectful of your girlfriend's feelings. You just keep getting caught raving about how smart and pretty all your exes are, and spending time with other females.
Man, what is wrong with you? You totally destroyed your girlfriend's self-esteem, and you don't have a clue. Lucky SHE didn't write us a post; because I would tell her to kick you to the curb.
You are too busy stroking your own ego and bragging about how many pretty women you know.
You certainly have a lot of exes. That's no wonder, if that is how you treat women.
You have no idea how you've made her feel. After you call other women gorgeous, and comparing their looks and intelligence to hers.
Every woman's beauty is unique in their own way; and they have enough of a burden trying to look good for men. They feel they have an obligation to look better and better; in order to hold your interest.
While you're busy spending time with women you consider smarter or prettier, you are insulting her. The best thing that could ever happen to her; is that someone more deserving comes along, and takes her away from you.
You're breaking her heart, and she wonders if you're cheating and making a fool of her.
You're not the one who would benefit from advice; because you don't respect women. My advice to you, is to treat that young woman better! Show her the respect that she deserves.
You've got compliments? Give them to the woman who adores you!
You have a lot of making up to do, and it's time you distanced yourself from some of your exes, and treated your girlfriend like you love her. Instead of just trying to make her feel better after you tear her apart. You offer her lame and empty compliments mostly to save your own skin, and clear your guilty conscience.
Telling her that you love her more than those other women; is in clear contradiction to the way you treat her.
I hope she wises up, and finds someone who will treat her better. Now she's a mess; after she worked so hard to improve herself. The sad part is; that she is faithful to you and holds such high regard for your opinion of her. You have very little appreciation for that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2014): You have given her the insecurities. What moment did you think it was a great idea to say your ex was better looking? Why would you then also say your female friends are hot?? Seriously man, learn to respect the woman you're with!!
My husband would never, ever in my presence bat an eyelid at another female, let alone tell me I'm not as good looking as someone. How would it make you feel if she said she had a male friend, miles better looking than you, charming, fit and that she was then going to spend some time with this guy alone...you'd have to have the emotional capacity of a brick to not feel even slightly affronted by this.
Use your brain, stop the stupid comments or if she's not comparing to these girls, date them instead and let her find someone who cares.
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A
female
reader, jls022  +, writes (14 June 2014):
You can stop complimenting every 'pretty, cool and attractive' female you meet and reserve those sorts of comments for your girlfriend. How would you feel if she commented on her male friends and gushed about how charming, handsome and muscular they were. What if she joked that one of these guys were hotter than you? Do you think her saying 'I love you more though' would help, or would you feel hurt that she was thinking that much about any other men apart from you?You are in a relationship, yet it sounds as if you speak like a single man on the pull. Every girl wants to feel like her boyfriend thinks she is the most attractive girl in the world. We're not stupid and we KNOW it's not always true, but to hear out loud that your boyfriend thinks others are hotter is very upsetting. Surely you can understand that?I think you need to do a lot of damage control here or you are going to lose her. Stop talking about how amazing other girls are (that includes joining in other conversations with your friends) and start treating her with a bit more respect . Your girlfriend is not being out of order by expecting her boyfriend to keep his eyes and comments inside his head when she is around.
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A
female
reader, llifton  +, writes (14 June 2014):
 What can you do? You just said your ex is better looking, smarter, and more popular. I'm sorry, but that's really a terrible thing to think about your gf and it's very insulting. I don't blame her for one second about being insecure. Honestly, how on earth would you feel if she was telling other people the same stuff you said here? If she was saying that her ex was better looking and smarter than you? Of course you would feel inadequate! Who wouldn't??
The person I'm with now, to me, is the most beautiful and smartest person I've ever been with. When you love someone, they become the most beautiful person in the world to you. And I certainly can't imagine telling my friends my exes were hotter. I can't imagine disrespecting her like that.
Honestly, I think you have a lot of maturing to do in learning how to treat a woman. You've made her feel this way singlehandedly by your own actions and it's completely understandable she feels inadequate. Stop talking about other hot and beautiful women. And stop telling her and your friends that they are all better looking than her. What you're really saying to her indirectly (and rather directly, as well) is she doesn't compare and that she should feel lucky to have you. Which is crap.
Start treating her better. That begins with not comparing her looks with other women you find better looking.
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A
female
reader, cattycakes +, writes (14 June 2014):
Keep your comments to yourself! Start complimenting her, tell her what makes her unique. She must have qualities that you value above all else. Tell her why you think she is pretty and what makes her so special to you.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (14 June 2014):
 Ouch, OP, nice foot-in-mouth.
Perhaps the first thing to do would be not to be so lavish with your praise of other young females ? At least within your gf's ear reach ? ...
Look, generally I am not much one to pander to people 's insecurities, my thinking is that it's their job to fix their self image and self esteem and not the whole world 's job to put band-aids on it.
But... it depends. It's a matter of how, when, how much. Do you really NEED to discuss your ex with your friend , and to call her HOTTER ( not just hot ) than the current one ? that's not like a general comment on, say, Rihanna or Beyonce', this is a direct comparison with her immediate predecessor, it's like you put your Gf's in a sexual competition ... and she comes wobbly out of it .
That would be an annoying remark even for a very confident woman, if your Gf has self image problems, this kind of remark is like waving a red cloth under a bull's nose.
Ditto for the " drop dead gorgeous " comment. Really, OP,- if this other girl is just a smart student whom you have ben paired up with to study,- why do you NEED to comment- and so enthusiastically- about her looks. At least in front of your Gf. She won't expect that you don't SEE the other girl is pretty, but she will reasonably wonder why her prettiness is so relevant to you that you have to announce it to the world.
At the end of the day , Op, it's basically a matter of good taste. I am sure that even if you are attractive and confident and sure of your Gf's devotion, you would not much appreciate her waxing lyrical about her personal trainer's sexy butt and impressive abs and gorgeous biceps. Why ? because they have a BUSINESS relationship, she will notice these details if she's not blind, but why giving them any thought, and to a point that she feels she has to share her admiration with everybody .
Conclusion, yes, you have been quite heavy handed , - particulerly for a gf with self image problems, but, I think, also in general .
I'd say the first thing would be to... just watch your big mouth and learn to say what's appropriate when and to whom :). And the second, focus your attention , and compliments and praise, a bit more on the girl you supposedly love, and a bit less on your attractive friends.
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