A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Dear Aunts,Bare with me because my story is quite long. It started On March 20th this year. I reunited with a guy whom I had a high school fling with for just about 2 weeks. After 5 years we found each other on Facebook. He's single and I'm single. We decided to meet up and on the first day we hooked up. I avoided to sleeping over because I wasn't looking for anything serious. I am a nurse with a full time job and in school. For the first two weeks I left his house around 1 or 2 AM. (He has a full time job, living on his own and he is very outgoing with friends. )He's always asked me to stay over but I refused. Finally, I started sleeping over, he offered me a new toothbrush, a towel space , we went shopping together, I have my own pillow, he gave me a key to his house, etc. basically I was there 5 times a week and pretty much living together after 3 months. We went for a walk and we sat down on the bench. He opened up and said he is very comfortable and likes me a lot. Ina very sweet tone and with sincerity. Technically, I am not his gf because he hasn't asked me. So I opened the subject and he told me he hasn't had a gf for 10 yeArs and he feels like he is not ready. He said he is committed to me, he's only seeing me. So I let it go, I thought hw needed time. A week later, he asked me to meet me one of his friends which I went with him. A day later he asked me to a family party where I met his parents, siblings and the rest of the family. When we got back from the party I opened up the subject again. I got upset and started walking out, he grabbed me and stopped me from going. He told, baby, would you like to be my girlfriend? And I said no because I believe that the reason why he asked me is because I'm upset. (This incident happened twice, so he aSked me out twice and I refused because I was upset) this second time he got very upset because I was about to walk out and he hates chasing after girls, (who does?) One day, I asked him to ask me and I'll say yes. He refused to because he said he's already asked me. I kept asking him but he kept on refusing. He told me that I made him doubt me because the way I acted so immature. (Which was true) I got very persistent and even stopped him from leaving his house. he was so upset and I couldn't stop him anymore. He walked away and I called his name out loud and he looked back. He saw me crying and he looked at me for 10 secs and he came back and hugged me so much, kissed me and told me we will be fine. After a week everything seems normal. Today I saw him and he was sweet and back to normal. He is going to a club so I picked his clothes for him . I don't mind him going out with his friends ... We were laughing making jokes. Then I told him I was leaving to go see my sister... Then I said , okay bye love you. I freaked out and he hugged me really tight. I took it back right away and told him it just came out and it's wasn't suppose to come out. He said it's okay because I probably felt it. On my way out I still felt very weird and he was making fun of me. Is there a future with this guy? Does he really like me? How come he won't commit? Will he ever commit? Am I missing a clue to leave? Can you please open my eyes?
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female
reader, soumya1224 +, writes (14 June 2014):
Hi.. its being like emotion gap is there between you. Speak with him what actually you want from him and what he want from you. Getting closer at emotional times and being normal at casual time wont make a strong relationship. As a girl I can understand you that we seek for long term relation where as boys (few)seek for short term.
In general Boys refuse to say true about their relation and still try to convince us. So my suggestion is hard or harder speak with him slowly and make him understand your intention.
hope this will help you and sorry if it is not satisfied you.
But over all still some information is required for your problem to solve.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2014): I don't want to hurt your feelings, but throughout your post your described-behavior sounds very immature. The man has demonstrated his feelings for you, and you're not behaving as an adult at all. The scenario when you keep walking away was/is childish.
A guy will ask you to be his girlfriend at the right moment and when it seems the most sincere. He has introduced you to his friends, family, and invited you into his home. This is how the process begins; and it leads up to the big moment. You forced him to do it; and then when he did what you wanted, you misbehaved. Yes, it would be a lot better when he comes to you of his own free-will. So quit with the pushing. A gentle nudge is all you need. Then allow nature to take its course. That's how love grows.
You are talking about events that have happened over the span of not quite three months. He has to be sure that his own feelings are real, he's not just caught up in a moment. He also has to be sure you're not just infatuated with the concept of "being in-love'; and really understand and know your own feelings. He knows himself, and how we sometimes attach too quickly.
People often rush into a commitment; then several months in, decide they aren't as into it as they thought. They come back down to earth from a euphoric high, and reality sets in.
Allow things to take place in their natural order, and your relationship will be all the more solid. It has been ten years since he has committed, and as anyone wise should; he is taking his time.
The commitment started when he stopped seeing anyone else.
He told you as much. Were you even listening? No, the drama-queen was in the middle of her award-winning performance.
All things are leading up to the time he is ready to ask you to be his girlfriend, by all indications. It has to be certain in his mind, not an impulse. When he feels he is ready, and that you are the one.
Frankly, I don't really care what the other answers to your post will be; because I know through experience how so many young people who come to this site are often too eager. Rushing their partners into a relationship out of impatience; then when they discover who they really are, they regret they didn't take time to evaluate who they're with.
Three months is not a long-time. He is not the guy you used to know, he is the "man" he is now! A lot may have changed.
Everybody demands immediate gratification. Gimme gimme, I want it now! I can't wait. It's now or never!
They don't allow love a chance to grow and solidify and evolve into a relationship; because they are too eager to place labels on each other as a couple. Just so they can notify the world on Facebook. They don't give their connection enough time to become complete; before they are demanding their partner to put up, or shut up.
If he was dragging his feet and sending mixed signals that is one thing. He has taken what you have together through a deliberate process. It has been totally well-done; but your reaction is pushy. Let all the ladies pile on me and disagree, but this is a male's perspective. If you're wise, you'll listen to all perspectives. Not just other females.
Guys who don't commit don't introduce you to their family and friends, young lady.
Cut the drama-queen performance.
You are quite lucky. Relax. This guy really likes you, and it's not just about sex. People in his life know who you are, and he is arranging his life and feelings around you. You pushed and he did ask; then the little drama-queen decided to offer another one of her inappropriate performances.
Words of caution; childish behavior in adult situations is a deal-breaker. I agree not to completely move-in; until he does commit. I'd say all indications say the right feelings are there. He said it ahead of his own schedule, now you're playing little games. They might be cute to a point, but they just as easily can backfire.
He has told you that he isn't seeing anyone else. Under the circumstances he has a right to have second-thoughts about your pushy spoiled-child behavior. I know you're anxious, but you also have to make sure you really care for him, and you're not just caught up in a fantasy about having a boyfriend. That this isn't just a school-girl crush. That it is real.
My dear, I'm not putting you down. I'm well-experienced about these things, and I've been in such situations.
Send that high school girl to her room. Drop the curtain on the drama-queen. It's time to grow up. Make sure this guy is right for you, and that you're not just in a hurry to have a boyfriend. Make sure you don't over-look quirks and red-flags before you commit to being his girlfriend. Sometimes the tail and the horns don't come-out until later.
So give it enough time to be sure that when he does sincerely commitment, it's worth agreeing to it.
Cut-out the behavior that doesn't reflect your maturity.
Maybe he's looking for a "woman" in his life, not a bratty little girl. If he hasn't had a girlfriend for 10 years, maybe he took that time to work on himself. He probably recognized things he didn't like about himself. Maybe the jury is still out whether you're ready for a relationship. Perhaps you need work. More time to demonstrate your maturity and how much of a woman you are. That he isn't rushing into a mistake.
By all means be yourself, but try being the adult-version. You will get exactly what you want; because I truly believe the guy is crazy about you.
I'm not being mean, just giving a little tough-love here. I like what you've described about him, and I want you to get what you want. Try not to ruin it by showing-off like a spoiled child.
Best of luck! I am really on your side, although I've been tough on you.
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A
male
reader, Mark1978  +, writes (14 June 2014):
 Hello,
Im sorry if my response is going to be a bit blunt but some thing's just don't seem right here im sorry.
I really don't get your situation at all. After just three months together you were practically living together, sleeping together, you get a toothbrush, towel space, pillow and a key to the front door, and yet you don't even know, then or now, if you are his GF or not?
Most people move in together, or spend a lot of time in each others homes, when they are in a committed relationship, gained trust and know how they feel, not the other way around. Ive never heard of a non comitted, casual relationship that comes with its own towel space and key to the front door after five minutes. Plus the fact that he offered a door key, pillow, towel space, toothbrush and so on all seems more like checking into a hotel considering how soon this was happening.
He says he is not ready for a relationship and yet you are living together, sharing his bed and he given you a key, your own things in his house...I don't get it. You barely knew him and he was offering you the chance to live with him, yet he says he is not ready to be your Boyfriend?!?
He says he hasn't had a GF for ten years? How old was he ten years ago? If he is similar age to you, which you imply by the fact he was at school with you, his last GF was when he was around 11 is that correct? Hardly a serious relationship. It sounds as if he has no real experience of dating or the emotional side of things.
To be honest some of the things you describe make this relationship sound quite, well, childish. Him asking you "if you would like to be his girlfriend" like that and you saying no as you were upset, and his sweet tone as he tells you he "really likes you", and this business of asking him to ask you to be his Gf and you would say yes only for him to say no as he had already asked you - Come on OP im sorry but that sounds a bit like things a pair of 14 year old would say to each other, bearing in mind your age and the fact you were living and sleeping together at this point. Your both going through this adolescent routine of trying to actually decide if you are boyfriend and girlfriend or not while living together and having been together for six months!
To be blunt I think you need to sit down with this guy and speak to him about how you both feel in a more adult, mature way. the pettiness and silly routines are getting in the way. I also think you "moved in" way too soon and perhaps need some space to think.
Mark
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