A
male
age
26-29,
*andersAndWonders
writes:Call me Curious, I have been pondering this for quite awhile, males, females: "Am I the only one who wants sex? If not, how come it seems this way even becoming a new adult?" Here's some background, I'm a laidback guy who can get a lady god knows how and in recent years I've experienced sex for the first time. It was probably the most exciting yet shameful and sorrowful thing yet in life. Maybe it's because I as a male watched porn and just envisioned or glorified sex to be this awesome thing but when it happens, how it happens is basically like a negotiation of willingness. This gal I first had sex with was clingy which I cherished but when it came to sex she was hesitant about it. It obviously happened but we ended separating afterwards. My point is, is it wrong to want to have a "one night stand" with a gal no matter what each others relationship status is and how can this be done? I'm looking for guidance on finding a "f**k buddy". I'm not interested in the whole internet dating sites or "find a f**k buddy today site" because they seem like scams but I'm asking for an explanation as to reality v. perception. Thanks in advance for the feedback and I apologize for the never-ending story of my life, one direction sob story.
View related questions:
porn Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (15 June 2014):
 Not sure what you meant to write in the beginning.. You can get a girl or you CAN'T get a girl? It wasn't clear. If you have problems flirting with women and aren't successful in that department then I think you will have a massive problem trying to find a "f** friend" as you call it, or "lover" as I call it. Because finding a good lover requires good flirting skills, and a good eye for taking a hint and scanning a room for potential partners. It also requires a great matter of self insight, as in.. do you know what you want and why? Will you fall in love with a woman you have frequent sex with? Do you know what qualifies as a good lover or not?
If you aren't skillful with flirting then I can promise you, you will in most likelihood fail epically in finding a lover. I'm not saying this to be mean, just telling it to you like it is. I am great at flirting, I can immediately spot who's up for casual sex and who's a commitment guy when I enter a room. And I've had lovers. But even I have problems finding a good lover, I've yet to do that. They either become clingy, or it ends up being a one time thing, or they are too busy, or not interested in more, or whatever whatever.
Right now I have a guy who's interested and who I know would only be good for sex, and Im sure he'd be up for it, but I also know he's probably be clingy and want more, or become aloof and not interested. Keeping the status quo in a no-strings-attached relationship is incredibly difficult.
If I were you, and just wanted sex, I'd place my bet on one night stands. Maybe one of these one night stands will turn into a good casual relationship, and that way at least you get to experience if you have a good sexual chemistry or not, before you make a routine out of it.
But I'd also aim for a relationship, if I was you. At your age, relationships tend to be short lived anyways, and the experience could do you good.
And trust me, there are women out there who want casual sex, they just don't say so out loud or will admit to it, because then they get this stupid label as "sluts" for doing the exact same thing that guys do, yet guys get called "players". So just avoid using the terms slut, one night stand, fuck buddy, no strings, casual. Don't mention those words, avoid them completely. If caught up in a conversation and asked about what you're looking for, say something like this instead: "Right now I'm just taking things slow and see what happens. Im looking for someone that I have the right chemistry with, and then see where we end up". That's a nice way to say: I want sex without commitment, yet it sounds ten times better and way more classy.
And be cool about it. Desperation is a turn off. If some woman don't want you when you make a pass at her, be nice to her, respect her no, maybe even smile, and carry on about your business. Maybe that same woman will regret passing up on you later on if she meets you again. And, women talk. So if you live somewhere where chances are you will meet the same woman again, or one of her friends, make sure you've been elegant and polite when being rejected. Otherwise it will bite you in the ass.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (15 June 2014):
 Actually, casual encounters sites are very effective to find hook ups and fuck buddies, I'd say that's the ONLY thing they are effective for ( yeah yeah, there are also serious relationships born out of dating sites... a minimal percentage of success as compaired to the humonguous rate of failures ).
IRL, it may be way more difficult, particularly if you aim to RECURRING casual sex with the same person .
( Everybody can pull off the exceptional ONS with some girl too drunk to know exactly what she wants ). That because, for various reasons that's too long to detail and debate here, lo and behold, women aren't that wild about being fuck buddies or FWBs, it's more they sort of get entangled in them in the attempt to secure themselves something relationship-y.
And those who do, those who for reason of theirs just want some NSA sexual fun , have a lot to choose from and probably will want to offer themselves something top notch in terms of looks and social image, something they can brag about with their friends. Once a bitter DC poster commented " FWB is the way for average looking girls to fuck men out of their league "- bitter, but basically very true , that leaves an average guy a bit short of resources if he is adamant against fishing on Internet.
So, I would not knock off casual encounters sites or Tinder or what else they have invented in this field
( something new comes up every day ). You might have to have some patience, and some savvy to avoid scammers, but... no pain no gain, who's gonna bring you hot steamy no strings sex just on your doorstep , without you lifting a finger ? ( unless you PAY big bugs for it ).
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2014): I don't see how you can find a friends with benefits if you don't put yourself out there. You are going to have to invest time into obtaining free sex. One way, which you expressed disinterest in, is through online services. Not necessarily dating sites, but you have phones apps like Tinder where there are tons of people out looking for casual sex. Yes, some users try to scam you and others may not meet with you, but if you never take the time, you'll never make any progress. If you want a more traditional approach, such as speaking with women you meet at bars, you're still going to have to put effort into establishing a relationship. Simply put, you need to establish trust and that doesn't happen just by walking up to people and asking for sex. This is why dating apps or sites would be better because people are on there for relationship and/or sex. You know their intentions to a certain degree. Of course, that doesn't mean you should message people and instantly ask for sex. But, you'll get to the subject a lot faster than meeting people the traditional way. "Maybe it's because I as a male watched porn and just envisioned or glorified sex to be this awesome thing but when it happens, how it happens is basically like a negotiation of willingness." Something about this statement irks me. Negotiation of willingness? I think it might just be poor word choices on your part, but you make it sound like consent is this disillusioning barrier that has shown you that sex is troublesome and not as wonderful as you once believed. Porn actresses get paid to have sex. That's why there isn't any "negotiating." In real life, most women will not drop their panties upon your command. Unless you're paying for sex, you won't get it without effort. Even finding friends with benefits takes some sort of a relationship and a level of trust. Go out, meet people, get to know them.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2014): Just chat up some girls. Spend a few minutes with her see if you "click", and be honest (and very cool & confident) about what you want before too much time goes by.
If the girl finds you sexy, then this was the correct approach. You deserve props for being honest with her and understanding that a modern woman might just want casual sex sometimes.
If the girl doesn't find you sexy, then exactly the same approach was very disrespectful. You're lucky you didn't get slapped, you jerk.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (14 June 2014):
 So you want no strings sex without looking for a girl who also wants no strings sex? I'm a tad bit confused. Why was your first time sorrowful and shameful? Was it because she wanted something more, but you didn't, and you felt bad ditching her after she became clingy?
Porn is nothing like real sex. Porn is hyper-exaggerated visual stimuli in order to get people to become sexually aroused. Even in hardcore porn where you see parts being inserted and close up shots where you can see every pore in the private areas, it's still an illusion. They are paid to do what they do. Women are paid to simulate moaning like a 30 minute orgasm on steroids, and guys are paid to simulate lasting longer than 5 minutes. It's not real, should never be a reference, and unless you wish to go into the porn business yourself, wishing for porn sex is unrealistic.
Sex *is* an awesome thing, and when you're in love with your partner, sex makes porn look like the gum on someone's shoe. To go for no strings, you need to find someone who wants that as well. Never lie or mislead a woman, which I think is the basis for your shame. You used that woman to get sex, and didn't want more, yet made her believe you did.
One night stands can be found at any club or bar. Go there, know your lines, buy lots of drinks for ladies, and go home with a woman who's got like-minded goals. I don't know if you're truly built for that sort of lifestyle given your level or shame or sorrow, but that's what you do. Never lead a woman to think you want something you don't, like a relationship.
...............................
|
