A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Question of love is not the issue. My bf seems controlling. If u dont see things the way he does even politics he gets upset, he doesnt yell he just hides for weeks. If he does something wrong (usually not intentional) and it hurts you - he turns it around like he was hurt and then does really hurtful things like not talking for weeks. I sometimes feel that he has no empathy and really only cares about himself. He does not like to be emotional must always be on an even keel. he has distrbuted anger issues - not physical - towards others. ie doorman not letting him in right away, at waitrees, at concert, etc. he is 47 not young. Someting happened in his past that caused him to run and live on a sailboat in the islands for years - running away. Yes and he always said he is good at running away and hiding. I love him but the toll on me is too tough. Is there anything I can do to help him change his behavior? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (12 March 2009):
 RCN gave you great advice!!
So pretty much, I'll reiterate, but these are my two cents! :o)
If he is 47 years old, this has been a behavior that has grown for 47 years. He will not easily change and certainly not by you. What this man needs is professional help and a good steady support (that's your part).
It seems like he may not be worth all this trouble. The only way he is, is if he commits to getting help and putting effort into helping himself change. Remember, you can't change for him and you can't push him to be someone different. He needs to do it for himself and by himself. You should only be there to support him and encourage his growth. Make sure he finds professional help.
If he can't commit to doing this, I think you should think about leaving the relationship. Girl, this man doesn't come with baggage, he comes with a full U-Haul of a lifetime of issues. As RCN says, probably stemming from some trauma way back when. You can not fix him by yourself. He will not change without a serious life makeover. And you should have to blow so much emotional energy on him without the help - you'll exhaust yourself and get just as miserable as he is.
Good luck, my darling!
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (12 March 2009):
 Not without really ticking him off. You'd have to recommend counseling. The behaviors you described are narcissistic, and antisocial behavior disorder, which is the not taking responsibility for his actions, causing pain without empathy, etc. It's easy for him to place blame, as long as it's not being placed on himself.
When looking at negative behavior patterns, you have to understand that many individuals can't just change to a more appropriate level behavior. Depending on what happened in the past, these patterns may be weaved into and becoming part of who he is, therefore it takes being psychologically committed to un-weaving the damage that has been done.
When these become part of behavior, caused by trauma, changing the perception of the trauma can eliminate developed behaviors. If there is a specialist in your area, I'd recommend Neuro-Linguistics Programming. It's similar to hypnosis, but the client is awake. Trauma remains trauma by mental pictures. NLP is a method of changing the picture, and refiling without the trauma, therefore eliminating negative behaviors caused by the previous view.
Remember, nothing can happen until he first recognizes the issues, then determines he no longer wants to live with the negative behaviors.
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