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male
age
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anonymous
writes: Over 43 yrs of faithful marriage she requires separate bedrooms handles all financial transactions accumulate over 100,000 dollars in credit card debts that I know of and no sex for 3 years now .... what to doNo names please
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female
reader, malvern  +, writes (31 May 2020):
 We have a friend who is in the same situation as you. He is nearly 70 and has to keep working just to support his wife who spends all his money and lives a separate life to him but under the same roof. It’s killing him. We keep telling him to seek legal advice ... life is too short to live like this. He keeps telling us he can’t afford to leave her, but really would it not be better to live a happy life on his own than having the constant worry of somebody who is draining him ? Seek legal advice and then make your decision after that.
A
female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (31 May 2020):
 What is it that you want to do? It truly doesn't matter what we tell you what matters is what do YOU think you should do? 43 years is a very long time to be in a union and I can't even begin to imagine what its like to be with a person that long. How do you honestly feel about your wife? Obviously there are problems but they didn't just all happen over night. Do you still wish to be with her? Do you want to work things out?
I certainly understand the sadness/frustration that you feel about not having sex. Sadly I believe this happens in many marriages. Some people are alright with that, others are not. Some people cheat some people work out arrangements. Again, what do you want?
The credit cards are a big deal. They definitely need to straightened out. I'm rather shocked that you only now are really concerned. I guess you just trusted her. Why did it get so out of hand? This needs to be addressed. You need to get something straightened out with this. Obviously your wife didn't show restraint in spending and now you've got a mountain of debt. Seek out professional guidance for this and you need to take control of this problem since she can't handle the job.
Do you want to stay married? Do you want a divorce? Only you know. I'd certainly be considering all your options. Again, 43 years is a long time and it could get very messy if you choose to leave but if there is no love and you don't trust her why stay?
I urge you to talk to your wife. Go to counselling if at all possible.
Good luck sir.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (30 May 2020):
 Time to take over the financial responsibility of taking care of the money/bills, and find someone who can help you consolidate your CC debt. A financial advisor or contact your bank and maybe they can point you to someone who can work with you.
You also need to take physical possession of all CC's and YOU will have to be the one to take care of checking the mailbox EVERY day to ensure she doesn't fill out more applications and incur more debt.
You might also consider talking to a lawyer and figure out how you can best stop her from applying for more CC's.
And then you have to consider this, DO YOU want to stay in this marriage and with HER, make things work or not.
I do think no sex after 43 years of marriage, is not uncommon. And probably not something that will change. But you NEED to have a conversation about the finances and whatever else is going on in your marriage. WITH her.
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A
male
reader, Blackbeard +, writes (30 May 2020):
You mention faithful, but that means to tell the truth and by what you are saying this is not the case. Before you shoot the messenger, please read on. Can you remember why you got together in the first place? What have you not told her about how you feel or the needs that you have? A common problem for men is embarrassment, the other problem is not wanting to be vulnerable. This is where the lie starts, in order to love, you have to be vulnerable, You have to trust her with all your secretes and flaws. The money is just stuff and not worth a damn when your dead, If you have no closeness then you are already on your own. There is no quick answer, life is not Hollywood. Your only chance is to learn to talk and better still learn to listen, not necessarily to what is being said but to what is being meant. Good Luck Sir.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (29 May 2020):
 Its a shame it ha taken 43 years for things to come to this.
Letting her handle all of the financial transactions was the first big mistake. The credit card bills were obviously coming in and she has been brushing them under the carpet and carrying on with her out of control spending. And lets not beat around the bush here, a 100,000 credit card bill is out of control spending.
Had you been involved and kept an eye on the expenditures you could have maybe noticed that things were getting out of hand when things got to maybe 5,000, but now she has left you both with a CC bill larger than most people's mortgage.
What do do? Either stick it out with her and seek some serious debt consolidation. Or get out of this mess and get a divorce.
From the limited information from your post i would say that her i don't care credit card spending, the no sex and the separate bedrooms, the second option does not seem like a bad idea.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (29 May 2020):
 What do you WANT to do? You've been married for 43 years. Also sounds like you have let her do whatever she pleases much of that time. What has brought things to a head now? Why are you suddenly questioning what to do? Not even sure whether the spending or the lack of control of your finances or the lack of sex is the issue for you.
I ask again, what do you WANT to do?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2020): I would hire a forensic accountant.After that hire a lawyer.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2020): All posters and those giving their answers or opinions are anonymous. Your identity is safe here.
If you are co-signed on debt, and it has gone far beyond your ability to pay; then you will need to work-out repayment-arrangements with your creditors. If that isn't possible, and you have been overwhelmed with more debt than you are capable of repaying, consult a bankruptcy attorney.
If you know she has money-management issues; then you shouldn't leave money-matters in her hands. Beware of debt consolidation schemes and scammers claiming ways to fix your credit. If it is damaged, only getting your debts paid-off; and time will help you recover your credit-rating. If you file bankruptcy, you will be ineligible for credit or mortgage loans for the next 10 years. Avoid applying for high-interest credit cards that will be offered through the mail, even after bankruptcy.
If your credit-rating hasn't yet been destroyed; you should see a financial-planner/money manager about bringing your debts and earnings under control; and find ways to maintain solvency before you go completely under.
If there is no love and understanding in your marriage; and you feel that it wouldn't be salvageable even with counseling, file for divorce. If she still works, let her keep all the debt in her own name.
Get yourself a good attorney; not some fly-by-night shyster you see in an advertisement on TV! If you're the sole breadwinner, and she is financially-dependent on your income; you'll be in for a good fight. There is nothing anyone can do about the loss of passion, if your wife doesn't love you; or isn't willing to make an effort to compromise to restore passion in your marriage. That's her choice.
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