| A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Hi all!I would appreciate some advice on how to handle an issue with my husband or rather a problem hes has that is seriously influencing my life.In a nutshell, he has some problems with relationships with people (I understand WHY). Recently, I've come to realize how big of a problem it is. As I don"t want to bore you with details, I won't go into how I haven't noticed it earlier. I have, but life went along and it has gotten considerably worse as we age. He sees bad things in almost everyone. There's only a handful of people he likes. He has a tendency to "glorify" some people when he meets them and as time passes and people being what they are - not perfect, things happen (I'll get to that later) and he starts feeling disrespected and starts resenting these people. Yesterday was his 45th birthday. He had, not counting his mother, only TWO people congratulating him, both of them are my close friends. And that's sad.I'm not saying he's not right, some people we've met are downright awful, BUT not all of them are. He has trouble nourishing relationships with people and over the years, as I said, it has gotten so bad that he basically has zero friends outside my relationships. For example, when his mother need help (she lives in another country), he had no one to call in our hometown, I asked my friend for help. And help he did. When he needed a lawyer, he had no one to ask, we got a recommendation from my colleague... Even with our mutual friends (people we met as a couple), I'm the one calling them, being called by them, organizing things... he does nothing except, when they do something he disapproves of, talks badly about them.When I met him (at the university), things seemed different. I say seemed, because in hindsight I understood that he had always had issues with relating to people and accepting them. But when we were younger, it was easier to be in the crowd, go to parties, mingle with people, at least have an appearance of someone who is normal (for the lack of a better word) in that department. You didn't have to make an effort to hang out with people, it came naturally. As we grew up that picture started to fall a part. The first obvious signs started showing when we finished our studies. We were not "in the student crowd" anymore and he was hanging out less and less with other people. At that time I accepted his explanation that he was a bit down because he couldn't find work. Things got even worse when we moved to another country. Again, I took his explanation, difficulties adjusting etc.But the truth is, he wants to only hang out with people with whom he has to make zero effort. With whom he feels respected and at ease. When it's not the case he gets angry, resentful and doesn't want to see anyone. Honestly, do you have anyone with whom you can make zero effort and hang out? I have friends with whom I can be what I am, but they too can sometimes be to self-involved. I don't take it personally. My husband does. When ever his ego is not stroked, he feels disrespected and "provoked".The problem is, it happens so often, that I have no patience anymore. So when he does have a reason to feel disrespected and rant about someone, I am sick of it, because that is what he does every single day anyway. In a nice way, I told him that. Numerous times. But he just says that that's the way he is. What really did it for me, a few weeks ago was when he started saying that he is proud to be a misanthrope, because people are awful.In hindsight, things got worse a few years back when he was finally diagnosed by a shrink (one in a long line) with ADHD, social anxiety and a mild (mild?!?) depression. He found a justification for his anger outburst, rants, misanthropy and went about his life feeling righteous. He LOVED the lockdown since he had a valid reason not to be bothered by anybody (the way he sees things). He was so annoyed when our neighbors (disrespecting the government regulations) started coming over (we live in a house and have a garden), no masks, staying too close... I think he is right not to want people too close when the pandemic is still going on, but, the real reason was not the virus. He would have fits screaming (like a child) that he just wants to be left alone and not see anyone, that people are draining him... I think that I let our lives just happen, because I am on an introvert and I like my alone time to read, write and play go online. But on the other hand I am not a misanthrope and this really bothers me. The lockdown made me realize how much I don't like being locked up with someone who's negative about everything all the time... and that someone is my husband no less. I realized that I mad a good decision not to have children with him. They would suffer so much. A veil has come of my eyes. So to speak. I noticed that he has his "bad face" on all the time, as if he were disgusted with everything all the time. I don't know how to talk to him anymore...If I had the means (we have joint finances and a mortgage) I would move out for a while, to breath and have some time, space AND energy to think things over and to show him how serious I am abut reevaluating our marriage. Unfortunately, that is not an option for now. I started looking for a job in another city, which would give me an opportunity to do what I mentioned. Get away from him for a while and think.I don't have the need to meet anyone else i just need to move away from this whirlpool of negativity that he creates around himself. I hate what we have become - a codependent relationship. I take care of his moods, do everything I can to "lighten him up". When I make no effort, things are even darker.I don't think he realizes how unhealthy certain aspects of our relationship have become and how miserable I have become. Words don't have value for him, actions do. So me talking is nothing compared to me actually leaving for a while. If you ask me what I wish for I'd say: for him to be healthy, world peace and a nice gift from a Santa come Christmas. The fact that I have lost hope really sucks...
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2020): Hi
You have found your reasons to part from him so you can (breath) a little and think.
Must not be nice for him either and I guess he senses your disdain. I guess he notices you are the one with friends, and notices that something is missing deep within his own life, Still, waters run deep they say. Only 2 people congratulating him on his birthday and they happened to be your friends. You seem to count up his LOSSES, I do hope he
never hears you count his sadness. You asked YOUR friend for help and help he did, he needs a solicitor, he failed you knew one, so you win AGAIN.
Yes, I agree he is depressed, why wouldn't he be, I would be depressed. All he seems to meet with is a failure and hanging on your coat tails while you breeze through life.
The team obviously left the marriage and you have had enough. You should not start to feel down as well, however, I believe yours is more discontent than depression. Maybe this discontent can enter the divine and you can both find partners who are more compatible with. When you say a veil has come over your eyes???
I think his bad face is because he is unhappy with life
and the people he associated with are not his type of friend they are your type.
If you're honest with yourself you have already left and he knows.
Luckily you are both young enough to start again and be happy.
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (1 June 2020):
Hi there. Maybe what he is having, is a midlife crisis of some description.
He might also be suffering with depression, which might explain the negativity.
This would definitely be very hard for you to live with.
Well, as you said, you didn't have children, and so that is probably a good thing.
He might be feeling like his life is passing him by and with nothing to look forward to.
It would probably be good for him to take up some interests like fishing or golf, to at least give him something to look forward to.
He does sound like he has lost his way.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2020): Not everyone is born with people-skills. Your husband is struggling with depression and social anxiety-disorder. When you're young, it's easier to hide these issues by faking it. You just mimic the people you're around, or create a total facade for when you're in social situations; or you can just use alcohol and drugs to suppress your anxieties, by self-medicating as many do these days. You can just disappear in the crowd. People pay more attention to their devices than other people anyway. Home-confinement is forcing people to look at each other; and rediscover who they are themselves. Introspection then turns to projection; and we like least in people what we see in ourselves.
You may not notice, but maybe you've picked-up some of his cynicism. You seem highly critical of him; and you're becoming totally detached and annoyed. He doesn't need you to create him a likable-personality; or to be his buffer in social-settings. You assumed that responsibility on your own.
If you have the personality to get things done; that's your contribution to your relationship. You can push it back on him when you feel you've done your fair-share. He's socially-awkward, so dealing with people isn't his thing. Unfortunately, he can't just snap out of it without help! His spirit, and soul can't find peace; so he wrestles with dealing with others, and he's trying to suppress the demons that keep him at odds with himself. He blames others for it. He needs positive-reinforcement from people to convince him that he's a good-guy; he is, but something stops him from being one.
As people get older; many do become highly critical, antisocial, and less tolerant. They show signs of being cranky, sometimes even belligerent. He just isn't a very likable-guy; and he's tired of pretending to be. You are now confined together; and you can no longer escape those less-favorable attributes you've learned to cover, ignore, or excuse.
This is why people go to marriage counseling, and also need to seek some spiritual-enlightenment.
Our lives are void of worship and faith. People have no beliefs; so they lose hope, and become skeptical about everyone and everything. They are searching for something they can't seem to find; and it becomes frustrating when you don't know exactly what it is you're missing. Just having friends may not fill that void. Seeing a shrink and popping pills might help; but there's still this void left that you can't seem to fill. There's something stirring in him; and he can't quite put his finger on it. He can't seem to find honesty or truth in people; because people aren't as sincere as they should be. We tend to dismiss the faults of others, and let things slide; while some people can't. They are searching for truth and realness. They want to be able to trust those they care for.
You should ask him to go to marriage counseling with you. He should find himself a reliable psychiatrist, with whatever his health-plan will cover. He needs to return to his faith. His spirit and soul are restless. He can't stand being around people. Whatever worship and faith he grew-up on, is calling him back. People mock and scoff at this kind of advice; but some people are helped by it.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (31 May 2020):
 While it is not unusual, as we get older, to be more selective about people with whom we choose to socialize, it appears your husband has taken this to the extreme. He seems to be fighting some sort of inner demons which cause him to take everything others do as a personal affront, seeing offence where (probably) none was intended.
Would he consider seeing a psychiatrist? Or going to marriage guidance with you? I ask because you both sound very unhappy. He sounds drained by just being around people in general, and you sound at the end of your tether trying to protect him.
I think getting away for a while is a very good idea, especially if he will not seek help. Take time out to decide what you want in the rest of your life. I doubt your husband can change without professional help and without good will on his part. That does not, however, mean you have to get dragged down by him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2020): Hi
You sound as if you have come to a crossroads. A realisation that you no longer wish to be married to your husband. If you have any spare money after paying the mortgage etc then save and take two or three weeks away on your own. This is a necessary exercise for you to be able to come to a decision. I think you are already there actually, your husband is never going to change and you have had enough of being his support.
I am exactly like your husband. Other people piss me off, stress me out. I am totally happy completely on my own. All the time. I don't think your husband wants to see the good in people or enjoy anyone's company and you trying to get him to change is pointless. He doesn't want to. I can understand how being with someone like him, or me, when you are sociable is depressing and frustrating for you.
He cant change into someone else and you're done being with him. I think you've made your mind up already. I did the same thing when I had to choose being with one of two men. I had to get away from both of them trying to influence me, so I could think and make up my own mind. I could only afford a week, but it was enough, I decided in that time.
Go, when lockdown allows and take the time for yourself. You need to for your own sanity. Good luck.
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