A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am Christian but nondenominational and I honestly can't decide whether I should wait till marriage and the most committed relationship possible to have sex or have fun, play the field and get experienced with boyfriends at college. I would love to hear others' opinions; what do you believe and why?
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male
reader, daletom +, writes (15 May 2013):
Even today the overwhelming majority of Christian denominations teach that sexual abstinence before marriage is God's requirement. The basis and support for that position goes back even before the appearance of the Christian church per se. In addition to outright commands and directives from holy writings, there are several allegorical arguments including the idea that marriage (and sex) between a man and woman is like the irrevocable, faithful, and exclusive relationship between Christ and the Church.
And just as certainly, in Europe and North America the majority of practicing Christian parishioners act contrary to that teaching - some outright disagreeing with it but most acknowledging at least its desirability, if not its requirement.
The U.S. National Institutes of Health and the Center for Disease Control has been conducting controlled longitudinal studies about national sexual behavior since the 1950's or earlier. You can find many of those on their web site. As I recall, the virgin-at-marriage became the minority in the early 1960's. But even in recent years about 1 in 12 men, and 1 in 8 women who marry abstain from sex before marriage. (See See Table 22, page 53, at http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/series/sr_23/sr23_026.pdf ; and Table 42, page 81, at http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/series/sr_23/sr23_025.pdf .) Yes, the numbers will be different if they were based on all people, not just those who marry, but the point is: even though the wedding-night virgin (regardless of religious affiliation) is a minority, they are a significant minority. When somebody says, "I am xx years old, and I am the ONLY virgin at my school." in all likelihood it ain't true!
My wife and I were wedding-night virgins at age 23. For her, it was very important (for several reasons, including but not limited to religious upbringing). I was less convinced of the wait-for-marriage requirement - though I had to admit that it had some attractions and advantages. Even so, I believed that sex should be reserved for people very committed to each other, not a casual activity between mere acquaintances who don't find anything interesting on TV. I hoped my first sex partner would be my life partner, and also be a virgin though pragmatically I thought that was unlikely.
Our very first time together wasn't very good sex but it was very meaningful and significant to each of us; perhaps the most emotionally and physically intense thing I had ever done. I'm quite convinced that it would have been much different if we hadn't been each other's first; in fact, I don't think our overall married sexual experience would be what it is today. It probably would have even been different if it hadn't symbolized and sealed our marriage. In all fairness - there are others who come out of their first sexual experience, even in marriage, with the feeling of "So what's the big deal?", or "I waited 20 years for THIS!??".
(And the "not very good sex" part started getting MUCH better just a couple hours later when we did it the second time. In almost 39 years since then, we have enjoyed sex A LOT, and enjoyed A LOT of sex.)
What I didn't fully appreciate until I started having sex was that the mind and the emotions are at least as important in sex as the body. Approaching it as purely physiological fun (which it certainly IS!) tends to diminish and cheapen the other dimensions.
Things to consider:
- You can find posts on This Forum from people who regretted their first, and other early sexual experiences. Many others don't regret it per se, but wish they had waited for a different person, or different circumstances. There are VERY FEW posts from people who are disappointed they waited to start having sex.
- Your sexual behavior is not really a question for you alone to answer. Even apart from Christianity or any other philosophy, it ultimately involves your partner(s) - including future relationships, husbands, etc. Of course you don't know who these people might be but have you considered the reactions from future partners to your chosen lifestyle?
- Use this Forum's "Search", or seed a search engine, with "retroactive jealousy". This is a real problem for both guys and girls.
- STD's and contraception are VERY REAL problems you must face. "Condoms" is not a very effective answer, especially for young people. It's not a desirable answer, for either men or women, from the standpoint of enjoyment. Unfortunately it's almost the only answer available outside a committed monogamous relationship. (It's off topic here but there are several good reasons why you, as a woman, should take the steps necessary to responsibly experience your first intercourse with a bare penis.)
- I don't accept the arguments about "testing compatibility" and "bringing skill to a relationship". If you have made a good choice you will work together to be compatible. You will have the enjoyment of learning and experimenting together. And it's just as likely, rather than becoming "skilled", that you will have to un-learn what you picked up from a previous partner.
A
male
reader, dougbcoll +, writes (15 May 2013):
 you are a christian , the Bible teaches to wait until marriage to have sex. you have a choice to make either obey what the Bible says, or do your on thing. its that plain and simple.
if you wait until marriage you want have any skeletons in your closet trying to get out. you will not have to worry about STD's, or getting pregnant . you will not have to explain to your future husband choices you made, and why. you will not give your self regrets to look back own.
the way i look at it you can make choices in life but you can't go back and change those choices you have made. there is no redo, undo, or do over. the Bible gives instructions in life to protect, guide, and instruct. the Bible does not list things we are to do, and not do to hamper our fun, but to protect us.
the big thing is to not give your self a lifetime of regrets to look back own, and to plan for the future. fun now could turn into heartache later.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2013): If you are considering sleeping around then you might as well do it. Most guys who want a chaste girl do not want a girl who lives a chaste lifestyle because its a practical advantage, they want a girl who genuinely feels that way. A girl who lives a chaste lifestyle for the image is not living by her real values anyway.
But just a word to the wise - don't expect to be able to try out promiscuity for a little while and then go back to being a "nice girl" again later. When you try going back to being "nice" then the guys you date after that will not see you has a nice girl, they will see you as a promiscuous girl who won't be promiscuous with them. You won't ever be a truly chaste girl again in their eyes, no matter how you change your habits.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (15 May 2013):
 As others posters have remarked, it does not have to be so black or white, between the two extremes of total abstinence and total promiscuity, there's a lot of in between. Like , maybe, treating sex like a serious matter and not just a recreational tool, therefore choosing to be intimate only when you are in a steady relationship with the person(s) who feels love and respect for you as you feel for him.
I am not a Christian , so I don't believe at all that premarital sex is wrong or a sin... but I guess you should.
Or , at least, you should really interrogate yourself about the real, ultimate role and importance of your faith in your life.
If you are a Christian ( of any denomination, or without one ) you know that you are committing a sin, and going against the principles of your religion. You can surely be understood, forgiven and assolved for the sin of fornication, yet it's still a sin, i.e. something that you are NOT supposed to do. And no, it's not between you and God, or between you and your conscience. All religions, or at least the mainstream ones, have a precise code of rules that you accept if you want to practice that religion. A sexually experimental Christian is like.... a beef eating Hindu : not much of a Hindu to begin with. Some religious rules may sound totally unnecessary or bizarre to the layman ( What's wrong with sex ?! what's wrong with beef ?!) but that's where faith intervenes- what makes you obey also what you find something hard to understand or to approve.
As a single Christian, you will find comprehension and forgiveness for your lapses and weaknesses, nevertheless it still remains that you are supposed to aim to an ideal of chastity and purity.
How would you reconcile being a Christian with being at the same time a fun loving, field playing, bed hopping party girl, it's something I 'd be curious to know... something's gotta give, wouldn't you say ?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2013): oh well if you're a christian you know that sex before marriage is fornication and it's a sin( and there's a difference between sinning and living in sin) it's up to you though how you want to live your life if you want to read more about what other christian think I suggest Passion and Purity: Learning to Bring Your Love Life Under Christ's Control
by Elisabeth Elliot but there are loads of books out there talking about the same thing.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (15 May 2013):
 --I honestly can't decide whether I should wait till marriage and the most committed relationship possible to have sex or have fun, play the field and get experienced with boyfriends at college. --
Why not split the difference, find a guy you might consider as a life partner and wait a bit to be sexually intimate and see how all that goes. And by wait, I mean, like a year. Then you'll know if you are religiously, spiritually and emotionally compatible and then the physical intimacy should be actually really bonding and hopefully a lot of fun!
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male
reader, Mwaih  +, writes (14 May 2013):
 As a brother and a christian, I do not condemn sex. As u said fornication is a sin according to christian teachings, therefore it's good to wait. You are one of kind and am happy to hear from you that girls with dignity still exist. Good luck and continue being a staunch. Mwaih.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2013): The need for experience with sex is greatly overrated. Just ask all the women who never had an orgasm whose partners had plenty of girls.
Sex is REALLY REALLY easy, just know what you like (masturbate) and listen to what your partner likes and you will figure it out in no time.
I sometimes find it very amusing to see a young person claim proudly they know a lot about relationships on account of having had dozens of failed ones... yeah, because you judge the quality of a pilot by the number crashes he has had, oh wait, you don't.
Personally I am not religious and think those who are slightly insane but it is your life, your lifestyle and your faith. Go with what you believe is right and fuck (or not) everyone else.
Remember when somebody compares sex to a test-drive, they are basically comparing you to buying a car. Do you want to be their free ride? I have test-driven cars I had no intention to ever buy. Or could ever afford for that matter.
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male
reader, CMMP +, writes (14 May 2013):
Sex is important and I think virgins fail to understand all of the reasons you SHOULDN'T wait until marriage until it's too late.
Being selective about who you have sex with is important if you decide to have sex before marriage. Don't let a guy's words determine if you'll sleep with them, let their actions.
I think a good rule of thumb is to not sleep with anyone who you wouldn't want to be your baby's daddy.
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female
reader, Xx-Scorpio-xX  +, writes (14 May 2013):
 I'm not religious at all and I personally don't believe in no sex before marriage. But I don't believe in sleeping around with just anyone either. For me, I need to be in a loving long term relationship.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2013): Only have sex within serious, steady relationships. But don't wait till marriage. It is part of knowing if someone is right for you in the long run and a vital element within a relationship. Of course, if you feel that it is essential to wait then you have to follow your heart.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (14 May 2013):
 Why does it matter what others believe? If you believe in God then ask him what he thinks you should do. I'm a Christian too, however I didn't become one until I was up in my twenties. So for me it was never a question, I had sex before marriage, and I didn't grow up with the "tradition" of waiting, nor have I ever been taught that sex is a sin. And when I read the Bible and talk to priests or even in prayers... I can't say I feel sinful. It's my life, and I lead it according to what is right for me in my life.
The Bible is full of things I disagree with. I'm liberal in my belief, I'm bisexual, I never felt like God thought I was full of sin because of that either. But then there are some who are conservative, and then there are some who takes the Bible literally on absolutely everything.
But whether you follow what it says in the Bible or not, the Bible was, at the end of the day, written by humans. So if you're really wondering what God feels about sex, then ask him.
As for peoples comments on sexual compatibility etc... blah. You can meet someone, have great sex the first year, get married, and then two years later the sex is crap or non existent. How many stories haven't we read on dearcupid about how sex life changes after marriage and how women stop giving blowjobs and men stop doing foreplay. Sex before marriage is no guarantee you will have a good sex life for the years to come.
Then again, if you only wait because you think you "should", then I think you're waiting for the wrong reasons and it will not do you any good. If you are waiting with sex because you feel it is the right thing to do, then you wont regret it.
You need to figure out what you believe in and why.
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female
reader, tehillah +, writes (14 May 2013):
I'm 37 now and been married for a little over 1 month. I went out with my now husband for 2.5 years before getting married. I did not have sex with him before getting married as a) I'm a Christian and b) This is something I wanted to do for myself and a gift I wanted to present to him. I wanted the love of my life to be the first person I lay with. We cant keep our hands off each other during this month. It was the best decision I ever made - waiting. Sex is about loving a person and working through your "incompatibilities" if any. This is my experience and I dont regret my decision for one minute! Stand up for what you believe and not be swayed by what other people say or do, its your body in the end.
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male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (14 May 2013):
 If you're a Christian then i presume you want to do what God would want?
The Bible teaches that people should wait until they're married.
There are arguments for and against it, but ultimately that's what God wants you to do.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (14 May 2013):
 I’m in the sex before marriage is fine boat. I was raised during a very turbulent time sexually in our history and I have very comfortable feelings about sexuality.
Even my mother admitted to me that in the 1950s when she was engaged to my dad, they had sex before marriage which was unheard of then… (it was DONE it was just not talked about AT ALL)
I do not think you need to be promiscuous or random. BUT if you meet someone and you get serious with him and want to be physical with him I would not deny yourself the pleasure.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2013): Just to add OP, your choices aren't between promiscuity and waiting until marriage you know.
Best to have a happy medium. Only have sex in long term relationships and only when you've become fully committed. That way you don't compromise your morals to a degree where you feel shame, plus it's the safest way.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2013): Like buying a car without test driving it only to find out it's horrible to drive.
OP I've been dating, sexually active for 20 years now. Sexual incompatibility is very real, cannot be fixed and ruins relationships.
Sex is not the be all of course but it's an essential component, it's like waiting to get married before you live together, well you could be very unsuited to cohabitation too you know?
Marriage for me was never important, but now that I'm engaged I realize I want it to be for life and the only way I can give myself the best chance of it being that way is to have basically done and lived that way already with my partner.
I've experienced sexual incompatibility some people just don't fit well physically, emotionally in terms of sex, some people have special requirements, like needing it rough or needing plenty of oral yet their partner can't do those things. etc.
You need to be compatible in all the ways that matter to make a lifelong commitment to someone, I mean would you sign a lifelong contract without reading it and completely understanding the fine print and all the clauses? No, so why would you ignore a key part of what makes for a successful marriage and go in blind?
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female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (14 May 2013):
 Well to me (and this is just my personal opinion, I'm not religious in any way shape or form) I would not leave sex before marriage to chance, because sex is a HUGE part of a relationship and if you are not sexually compatible you are going to have a very unhappy marriage.
I would rather have sex before marriage to ensure that the person I am contemplating marrying is 100% right for me, rather than leaving that to chance and increasing my chances of getting divorced.
I am very much against divorce, I believe that many people are stupid when it comes to marriage and they rush into it, they overlook flaws in their partner thinking it will change after they are married...people make too many errors when it comes to choosing someone to marry and that is why they get divorced. I believe if you say 'I do' to someone that is it for life, no backing out of it - so I want to be 100% happy with my choice knowing this person will be with me until the day I die.
However I would not sleep around for fun - I havent ever had a one night stand but when I was at University I did have a few casual flings and looking back now they were not fun and I kinda wish I hadnt bothered. As much as you try and keep it casual, feelings do get involved because as women we are designed to be emotionally attached to the men we sleep with. So 9 times out of 10 I ended up feeling a bit hurt by the situation, or I felt a bit sad when it didnt develop into more than just a fling.
So if you have a serious boyfriend who you love and they love you in return, and feel comfortable sharing something as major as sex with - then if it were me, I'd go for it. Sex is fun when it is with someone special, it helps cement the relationship and will help you see if you are compatible for the future. But if you are thinking about sleeping around with guys you are just dating, then I'd say dont do it, you will regret it and it will be a pain when you end up having 'the talk' with your serious boyfriend in the future who wont really be cool knowing his girlfriend used to sleep around.
Most men can deal with girls that only had sex with their serious boyfriends, but so many guys get retrospective jealousy and knowing the woman they are considering marrying has slept around with any old guy that came along will not be a good feeling for them.
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female
reader, angel91 +, writes (14 May 2013):
Nondenominational doesn't really have an affect here. Christian churches teach that you sex is for marriage. It all comes down to your own personal faith, and your relationship with God.
My husband and I both waited until we got married, and neither of us regretted waiting. However, I didn't feel like I needed to play around and gain experience - I was happy to wait for the right person for me.
Don't do something you may regret big time later in life just for a bit of fun now.
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