A
female
age
36-40,
*uchi_i
writes:Well my bf this notorious habit of being extra vigil about his phone and email and need lots of female attention too.He runs hot and cold and I am rarely sure what he is thinking now .I first thought its me and I have some jealousy issues.I was also extra careful as he said he broke up with her ex as she was way too possessive..so I tried not to be nosy...but now there have been enough incidents to poke me like...he says certain things like don't worry there are lot of desperate guys and you will have lots of attention.Last day it was why don't you go to pool wearing a bikini (India doesn't have much of bikini culture)..other day it was if you don't meet new guys over coffee how you will make new friends(when a guy asked me on date). When I jokingly point out you are way too cooler than me he apologizes and mends with flowers and apology note.But I am getting my sixth sense hooting...something is wrong with this guy..I am not feeling safe as I am more emotionally dependent one in this relationship which is totally unlike me in my past relationship..do I have enough reasons or I am just over thinking?if yes,how do I deal?I think he is a narcissist :(Help me please.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2013): I agree with Tisha1, this man is hiding stuff from you. He has alot to hide so he is trying to throw you off and manipulate you into submission by telling you his ex girlfriend was too possessive. That way you wont pry and ask too many questions and therefore he'll remain unexposed. Naturally you know somethings wrong, you feel it as his behavior indicates it even though his words paint a different story. Its terrible because even though you know something doesnt add up, you just dont know what it is. Thats why you find yourself questioning even yourself. I dont think you are far off thinking he is a narcissist. Narcissism is a variant of anti social personality and sociopathy of which his behavior shows strong indication that he may be of this type. The guy is being dishonest with you, he tries to manipulate you into submission, he is secretive, has a constant need for attention, probably comes off as fake/superficial doesnt he? Classic symptoms of this type of mental disorder. Dont ignore your gut. Walk away from him. This type of man will ruin you emotionally. There is a famous movie about men like this called Gaslight. The husband was hiding his doings in the attic, unbeknownst to his wife, and would spend all his spare time there which would make the lighting in the rest of the house go dim. His wife noticed the dimming of the lights and when she asked her husband about it he would tell her she was going crazy, denied the lights were dimming. She believed him as she had no reason to distrust him, and thought she was imagining the lights going dim every night, which made her actually go crazy. Thats what men like this do, through denial, shifting blame, lying and gaslighting they will make you go crazy. End this once and for all.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (14 May 2013):
 I don't think he's a narcissist. I just think he's a bit immature and not ready to settle down.
Your gut says something is wrong and you are correct.
He is not to be trusted.
He is not to be believed.
I would end it with him, say, "i met someone and I'm having coffee with them and I realized they are a better fit for me than you are, I wish you well"
and move on.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (14 May 2013):
 Hi Ruchi, your instincts are telling you something is "off" with your boyfriend, as in there is something not quite right, something that doesn't feel good about your relationship. I would listen to your instincts.
Guys who tell their new girlfriend that the reason the old girlfriend is now the ex was because she was too clingy or needy, may indeed have had a needy clingy girlfriend. However, a player type would say that to keep the new girlfriend on her toes and to prevent her from asking too many questions about what he's doing when he is away from her.
Needy and clingy is calling or texting him every hour of the day and demanding to know what he's doing all the time. Reasonable would be to share information about the day's doings and to not have any mysterious holes in the day. A married man might tell his new girlfriend that his phone doesn't work well where he lives and that he will call or text her when he can. He won't be available on weekends and national holidays and will have all sorts of excuses as to why.
How do you deal? Why not decide if you want to be with a guy who needs lots of female attention and who seems to be pushing you to flirt as well. Decide if you are comfortable with a guy who is super secretive about his phone and who pushes the bounds of polite behavior.
You don't have to date him, you know. You can break up with him any time you choose.
You could also become less available and more mysterious about your time and attention and see if that prompts a change in his behavior.
The thing is that your intuition is telling you that something's wrong. Now that you are alerted, keep your eyes and ears open, stay calm and see if you are overreacting or have suddenly realized he's not all that great a guy.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Got Issues  +, writes (14 May 2013):
 He could be a narcissist but honestly it's not a good idea to use the internet to try to diagnose him. Only a trained professional can really do that.
He doesn't sound like a very nice guy though, and if any part of you is in doubt, which is the case, then I think you would be better off leaving him before things go any further. Telling you that there are "lots of desperate guys and you will have a lot of attention" is the first step towards making you feel insecure and, as you put it, emotionally dependent on him.
Don't be a girl who is dependent on a guy. You should aim higher and want better for yourself. You think that you need him, but you don't. You can walk away. You don't trust him and he doesn't sound like he treats you well. Why would you want to stay with him if it means always walking on eggshells so that you don't end up dumped?
Take the initiative and break up with him.
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