A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey everyone,From your experience, when you were in a long-term relationship with an ex-boyfriend (or ex-gf), did you ever have a feeling (or signs) that you guys will eventually break up? (it's my first relationship and it happens to be long-term and serious, so I can't rely on my experience)The reason I am asking this is because I'm with a guy for quite a while and I can't imagine us ever breaking up, but sometimes I find myself frightened by the fact that apparently sometimes even the happiest couples will unexpectedly break up (unexpectedly because, for example, no "bad signs" during the relationships). It breaks my heart just thinking about the possibility of us breaking up at some point in the future even though I don't think it will happen, ever, that is how I am feeling right now.Is there really no way of knowing that you will never break up with your partner? Or in a different perspective, is there any way of knowing that you will be with your partner forever?Am I a fool for being scared that it could end sometime in the future even though I honestly don't think we are going to break up any time soon, period.Thanks!
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female
reader, Jen1689  +, writes (9 January 2011):
 That's the best and worst thing about love: it's unpredictable. If four years ago someone had told me, "You'll move across the country to be with a guy, only to turn around five months later and end it after being together for a year and a half (nine months long-distance)," I would have told them they were nuts to think I'd end it after such a long time and so much effort. But it happened so gradually, and yet so quickly, I didn't have time to question it. From my experience of that relationship falling apart, the warning signs were pretty clear, but also don't speak for all couples. I was the one who ended things, and I can tell you how I behaved.
I became very distant. I had never introduced this guy to my friends, and began spending a lot of time away from him intentionally. After work, I would delay coming home because I no longer enjoyed his company. At home, I would oftentimes sit in the other room, or sit in silence next to him. It just became very awkward and tense between us.
I became very moody. I would oftentimes get angry at him over little things, only because I no longer wished to make any effort in resolving conflicts with him. I no longer felt the need to make him happy.
I stopped caring. I took a break from the relationship after being together for a year and a half and asked for some space to figure things out. Seeing as we still lived together, it was very hard on him. He cried in front of me at least every other week, but I no longer felt anything at all towards him. When he'd cry, I'd stare at him blankly and wonder when he'd stop. When he was upset, it didn't make me want to make him happy, it just got on my nerves.
I began exploring my options. Along with spending time with friends away from my ex, I began hanging out with more guys. One guy in particular. My ex and I had been broken up officially by that point for a month or so, but were still living together. I never introduced this other guy to my ex, and soon became utterly infatuated with him. He was my escape from everything.
I pushed him away completely. By the time things officially ended with my ex, I was so over the relationship that I had to get him out of my life completely as he was doing nothing but holding me back. I asked him to move out after a year of living together, and I had no doubts about it. Even though I was going to be living on my own for the first time in 20 years, I knew it was best for me to get him out of my life.
I know it sounds like I'm a horrible person, but our relationship was very flawed to say the least. He constantly chatted with other girls online and over the phone (including his ex), and he was very secretive about a lot of things. Outside of our "relationship", there was no friendship, so when any kind of romantic "spark" was gone, we had nothing, even though we both wanted to pretend that what we had was worth it.
Don't dwell on losing him while you've still got him. Warning signs vary from couple to couple and from situation to situation. Your partner could be acting completely fine and normal and super-romantic and be using it as a front because they're cheating. Or your partner could be super-stressed and not know how to vent, so they take it out on you. There's no concrete way to tell when a relationship is doomed to fail. Life just kinda happens, and we all have to learn to go with it.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (9 January 2011):
 There are always signs . Always thin cracks in the wall before it comes tumbling down. I don't think that anybody just wakes up in the morning thinking, You know what ? Today I am dumping this person that I cherished and adored till yesterday night.
The problem is that people choose to not see the signs, or not read them correctly. Either they are afraid to see something that contraddicts their fairytale, or they don't want to act and sound "paranoid" , because at times the sign can be very subtle and it's objectively difficult to assess if what bothers you is gut instinct or paranoia/insecurity.
So, we choose to read the signs in a way that is consistent with the rest of the story ( but it's not necessarily the right one ).
Example : your normally cheerful, sunny , patient partner
growls at you. You say something and he snaps at you.
Oh well. For once- no problem at all . Everybody can have an off day.
But - he does it again. And again .
Uncorrect reading : poor John, he must be under such a lot of stress ,well, the new boss is giving him a hard time.
No wonder that he is going through a stressful time and he is irritable, I won't take it personally .
Correct reading : I know John since a lot of time, I know that he is a cheerful, sunny, patient partner who never snapped at me. I know that there is stress in his life because of money , or work, or whatever... but not all stressed out people yell at their loved ones , and least of all a type like John. So, if he snaps at me...there must be something concerning me, or our relationship , that makes him uneasy or unhappy. Deep down I feel it, but I don't really want to know - so I'll pretend it's all about work.
Said that : this is just my explanation about how things go, not my advice. My advice is not to fret over " the signs " and hanging on to every word or look, and being miserable waiting for the ax to fall down.
Quite the opposite ! Love it's a mystery ; life is a mystery. Some times things last forever, some time they don't, and we only have a limited measure of control about the outcome of anything. Que sera sera. Live in the moment. Be happy now. Enjoy the love you give and the love you get. If it ends.... you'll cross that bridge when you'll reach there.
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A
female
reader, HurtandUnsure +, writes (9 January 2011):
 Don't live your relationship in fear of you two breaking up. Holding the axe over one another's heads is a bad idea, asking for relationship troubles. I never saw my 3 year relationship coming to a close, but it ended with him cheating. Something I never thought he was capable of doing. Hindsight is 20x20. In retrospect, I now see the red flags that popped up. Mind you, he was my first love, first everything. Just keep your eyes and heart open. A successful relationship is built on open communication, honesty, trust, and faith. Best of luck.
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A
female
reader, xanthic +, writes (9 January 2011):
 Some people say they never saw any signs prior to breaking up, but I believe most people don't notice or simply ignore the signs because they figure it's trivial or irrelevant. You know the saying 'hindsight is 20x20'? It means everything is much clearer when you look back and think about the things that weren't worth noticing at the time, and applies especially to relationships.
As for what the signs might be, sudden distance, moodiness or ambivalence from your partner is usually a good indicator something is off. It could be a sign they've already emotionally checked out of the relationship. Obviously this isn't foolproof, but if you ever notice this change in behavior don't pass it off as nothing. Talk to the person and find out if something might be bothering them.
The best thing you can possibly do for your relationship is to relax and resist the urge to think it could end at any time without warning. By doing that you'll put yourself on an edge and will be more tense, and your boyfriend will likely pick up on that. You don't want that to set the tone of the entire relationship, right?
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A
female
reader, AuntyMaur +, writes (9 January 2011):
 There are no gaurantees with love. Relationships have a course, some short, some long, - some lifetime.
Emjoy the moments- things can change in an instant, stop worrying and love for today not for the what if's.
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