A
female
age
41-50,
*ucy1234
writes:My brother-in-law(BIL) has been married for a year and a half. For both of them, it's their second marriage. Both of them were very close and used to spend hours talking with each other. After marriage since they were working in different places, they were staying separately. Both of them used to go to each other during weekends or when time permitted.After 6 month my mom-in-law told her that they must try for kids, for which she said that's their wish, when to have etc- My mom-in-law (MIL) was actually insulted because my elder co-sister and I have never spoken to her like this.Then my MIL compared her with the 2 of us telling that her that her other 2 daughter-in-laws ( my co-sister and I) never behaved like how she did. Though we were not there then our MIL told us about it, since then she has kept herself away from all of us. She was going to where my BIL worked etc, though my BIL used to go to her, despite all this. But of late, due to my in-laws pressure he has also reduced going to her place. My co-sister and I have thought of speaking to her about her problem, because we felt sad for both of them, especially because it's their second marriage. My co-sister and I are very close ( touch wood!)and share our problems with each other. we want our younger co-sister also to open up with us and share her problems so that we can find a solution to their problem. Could you please tell me how should my co-sister and I start the conversation with her, to know their problems and tell her that through thick and thin as we both are together, we will be with her also. Please help before its too late!! Thanks in advance-
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (9 January 2011):
 The European advice would be "mind your own business, you sister in law has already an interfering mother in law to contend with , without also adding two meddling sisters in law to run her life ".
I understand though that in your society it's different, family harmony and cohesion are much more important , and your questions comes from genuine concern and caring, and the best of intentions.
Nevertheless, I still think you should back off. After all, if there has been a rift between the two women, the best person for mending it is your brother in law, he is the one who , if he wants, can try to mediate between the two . Moreover, the problem was born precisely because this "modern " couple,whether it's right or wrong, does not like your family tryng to direct their choices . If you two co-sisters intervene, probably it's going to irritate them even more.
I'd suggest you keep being normally friendly and polite to the third co-sister whenever you meet her, and make sure you do not take sides in favour of either parties. Let them deal with this on their own, and don't worry. Most families have occasional disagreements and in general after a while ...it's a tempest in a tea pot and everybody forgets about it.
A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (9 January 2011):
 Every so often, in a family, there is a Mother's in Law(MIL) with too much power. And the child, born of that mother, really should speak up. But are often too intimidated by their own mother to do so.
And the sons-in-laws and the daughters-in-law are in a difficult position. To speak up can harm their relationship with the MIL. An invidious situation.
However I will declare my position: A MIL has no right to tell her daughter in law 'when' to get pregnant. So MIL went too far. She upset her daughter in law. However a more tactful response might have been a shy giggle and no words. She did not have to agree nor disagree with her MIL nor state her position, but instead should have discussed it with her husband. So the husband could speak privately to his mother.
Separately: am i to understand that at least 2 daughters in law plus husbands also live in their MIL's home? That will make it more difficult to resolve this one.
But the daughter's in law could definitely go shopping together, but not with the MIL. Then the daughters in law could meet their sister in law and ask, 'how can we help? What would you like us to do for you?'
If their sister in law asks something of them, that they cannot do, then be honest. But anything helpful that they can do, where their sister in law feels it would help, could be discussed with their husbands.
The best thing would be if the sons of this MIL sat down for a talk with their mother, and explained how she has driven a wedge into the family and caused great harm. And that when a couple have children is a decision the couple make, not a decision for the potential grandmother.
Then a family celebration inviting the estranged daughter in law and her husband.
A big dose of tact and diplomacy and some kindness is required to be used by this too interfering too bossy mother in law.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2011): Yes, if you are happy in your familial relationships be content with that. It is good to be generous and helpful. But every body does not have the same mental make up. Do not try to teach people or stick your nose in their lives. Be open towards her but do not initiate anything.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2011): Perhaps people should mind their own business. Dont you people have a life?Seriously being in a relationship these days is hard enough without family sticking beaking. Leave them alone. If they want help let them come an ask for it.
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