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male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Just curious, what are the ground rules for separating with a spouse i.e. we need some time apart? Is dating and seeing others ok? Please don't look at this as an excuse but rather a consequence of separation. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (25 February 2015):
 If you are separating as a prelude to divorce, be careful if you date others, and if you do, KEEP IT CASUAL. Do not introduce anyone to your kids (if any).
If you are separating as a means to fix your relationship and get back together, then no, do NOT date, nor should either of you be getting together for one on one time with friends who may have shown a past interest in dating either one of you.
-Frank
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2015): Good luck with that!
Hope that helps!
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (23 February 2015):
 I would talk with a lawyer first. As you didn't post a flag there's no way of knowing which country you are posting from and so no way to point you to the laws in your country.
In a relative's case in a certain state in the US, they had to live separately for one year with no overnight visits. I don't think there was any stipulation as to seeing other people during that time. I have heard that in some states the person who starts a sexual relationship with a married person can be sued by that person's spouse for 'alienation of affection.'
Sounds like you really don't know what just happened so I would suggest you seek qualified legal counsel from someone in your country.
If you really want the marriage to survive; however, I doubt that dating other women will help that happen. If you really want the marriage to survive, it would make more sense to work on whatever it is that has split you up, however temporary it feels.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (23 February 2015):
 in my state there is no such thing as a legal separation. there is married or NOT married. that means if you are not living with your spouse and you date others you are legally cheating.
If you and the wife are separating and you ask about dating as a "consequence of separating" then I sense that the separation is not about making the marriage work but rather someone else has come on the scene.
That being said, it's going to be up to the two partners in the relationship to determine what's appropriate. Which means you have to sit down with your estranged wife and ask what SHE wants the separation to mean and you have to say what YOU want it to mean.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 February 2015):
 If the separation is a time for you two to THINK things over and decide if you WANT to be together and work on it OR not, then dating others would be ridiculous in my book. A HUGE no-no.
If you want to all of a sudden DATE others, you are NOT really wanting to fix what you have. You just want to "plug a hole". You want to "pretend" to be single. And YOU are NOT single.
I seriously don't think MARRIED folks should "date" till their divorce is final, because despite a "separation" they are STILL married in the eyes of the law (and some in the eyes of their religious denomination). They are still sharing finances, maybe kids, family events and other family things.
The separation is the time to THINK. To REFLECT. It's NOT the time to jump into bed with other people.
These are the rules I would think are reasonable, not in any particular order:
1. SET a time-frame, 3 months or 6 (or whatever you two can agree on). But not longer than 6 months. It's unrealistic that whatever made you come to this spot will benefit a longer than 6 months separation. Because if you need more time, then you AREN'T working on fixing the issue. You are AVOIDING the issue.
2. If there are kids involved, have CLEAR visitations plans. THEY should actually comes first. Kids have a HARD time with this and needs to KNOW this IS NOT about them, that THEY are still important. Parent them TOGETHER. Even IF you are "separated" have a "united front" when it comes to the kids.(which again is why "dating" isn't a good idea, you don't NEED to add more drama for your kids by ADDING more people)
3. Couples counseling. Yes, I think it's a must. I think BOTH parties should do this alone and together. The only time I DO NOT think counseling would be needed is when BOTH parties are SET on a divorce. Then I don't think it's a must, Is still think it could be beneficial to both parties to SEE a counselor separately though)
4. Decide on REALLY clear boundaries. YOUR counselor can help with those as well. WHAT can you BOTH agree on for rules? - write them down and STICK to them. Maybe YOU want to date, but your wife doesn't - which means... dating would be out of the window.
(why do I say that?) Well, because if one party think dating is NOT OK, then IT will NOT help for EITHER of them to date in case of reconciliation).
5. Sort the finances. MAKE sure you have sat down TOGETHER and made a budget. All of a sudden one spouse cutting the other one off is not OK, specially if there are children involved. BUT there can be made some "trimming" of expenses to ensure that BOTH parties can actually "live".
6. Sex or no sex (with each other - NOT others) needs to be decided. It's too easy to fall into old patterns of having sex with your partner, leading either of the parties to think things are A-OK, when they really aren't.
7. Communication. How often to call and talk. It's actually not a bad idea to set some ground-rules about that too.
8. If you KNOW some of the issues are YOUR doing, WORK on them. Work to better yourself. For you, your wife and YOUR kids. (this goes for both parties again)
Last, but not least - MAKE this trial separation LEGAL. Go see a lawyer and have it put on paper. Most people treat a "separation" as an excuse to pretend to be single again for a little while. And quite of them when a separation is mentioned it's ONE party who wants it, not both - which can make it very hard to work.
IF you after the separation decide to give it a go, you HAVE to start from fresh. The ISSUES that LED to the separation NEEDS to have been resolved and forgiven. You start by re-dating each other. getting to KNOW the other spouse again - you may think you know HER so well, when she might actually have grown without you realizing. Again, TALK to your counselor.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 February 2015):
 I'd also check the legal angle, not just the "social " or emotional one.
In many countries , separated is still married - living apart ,but with all the other obligations deriving from marriage . Including being faithful. So, suppose that a spouse says " oh sure , I am fine with you seeing other people " ... and then, for whatever reason, she/ he change their mind , the " dating " separated spouse passes from the chance of having a consensual, no fault divorce to being the guilty party for adultery- with the legal and financial consequences.
In other words, do not just check with your spouse if she would be OK with that- also check with your current family laws. Better safe than sorry . ( Of course, if you want to choose whether to abide by the laws, or to NOT abide and just keep a low profile , that would be a personal moral question. But, a low profile might be necessary ).
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (23 February 2015):
This is something that will vary from couple to couple. What would work best for you? What are you comfortable with? Rules and boundaries are negotiated by couples individually. There are, of course, certain things that we know most people would object to, such as seeing others whilst in the relationship, but even then some couples claim to want an open relationship.
Why are you separating? If it’s a break, perhaps you need to move out, but be very wary of seeing other people especially if you’ve not explicitly talked to your spouse about it. Often a break is taken to see if you should continue with the relationship, and seeing others isn’t a good idea whilst you’re still considering the possibility of staying together. If you are separating permanently because you’re absolutely clear that it’s over, see who you like. Move out, do your own thing and be happy.
I wish you all the very best.
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