A
female
age
51-59,
*acko01
writes:hi, i have been in a relationship for just over 9yrs.i love my partner very much.we used to have a very healthy sex life but over the last 3/4 yrs we hardly have any sexual relations at all, nothing. no kisses,cuddles,touching etc.i have tried talking to him and he just says it will get better but it doesnt,i can do with out the penetration side of it but i need some kind of sexual contact. he says he loves me and is always buying me thingsi dont know what to do , i dont want to end our relationship but at the same time i dont want to live the rest of my life like this.we have been to see a doctor because he says he cant substain an errection and we paid £60 for viagra which are still in the draw in the bedroom.we both work hard all week and do nothing together at the weekend, he would rather have a couple of drinks on a fri and sat night and get drunk.it sounds like i am painting a realy bad picture of him but he is a good man and would do anything for me.
View related questions:
drunk, sex life, viagra Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (23 February 2015):
 if you have talked to him about this and he's happy with things the way they are , you can't force him to be affectionate.
I would consider shaking it up a bit and telling him "I love you and want to be with you but I can't bear the lack of physical intimacy. I'd like your permission to take a lover to satisfy that need"
not saying you should but bring it up... shake him up a bit.
OF course if he agrees that you should take a lover, it's time to either accept that you are going to:
a. stay in the sexless relationship and take a lover on the side (with permission)
b. stay in the sexless relationship without a lover and continue to be unhappy
c. leave a sexless relationship
him not wanting to have sex does not mean he does not love you it just means he does not want to have sex. if he's not having sex with anyone else and he's not using masturbation to avoid sex, then it's just his lack of drive.
and you cannot fix mismatched sex drives. the person with the lower drive sets the frequency.
A
female
reader, xTheAlmightyDuckx +, writes (23 February 2015):
 Please don't worry! You aren't painting a bad picture of him you are simply being honest! :)
Now.. even though I am young I have heard that sometimes this can tend to happen when a man gets older. Normally when a woman gets into her 40's or so her need for sex gets greater.. and with a man it tends to get less and less... this of course does not apply to all older couples.
Its obvious he has trouble with sex and he may not want it as much as he used too, but have you thought maybe the reason he doesn't want sex is down to embarrassment?
If he can't have an erection for long he might worry that he cannot fulfil you and he could be put off when it comes to having sex because he is embarrassed... and I know sometimes when it comes too issues like this, instead of talking about the issue.. some people like to ignore it completely and end up not putting themselves in a position where he could end up being very very embarrassed.
However this does not explain the lack of kisses and cuddles.. because that doesn't take any kind of Viagra or whatever! You are a woman, and just like every other woman you have needs... and for him to not give you any affection at all is just not good enough.
Have you ever tried to attempt to initiate cuddling with him? Or does he end up turning away from you when you give it a try? If he does do this, it is not a good sign.
It seems like to me he is purposely not paying you the attention you deserve... buying things is all well and good but it doesn't make up for the contact that two partners should have together. Also I don't want to start alarm bells ringing.. but I know that sometimes when people substitute buying their partner things instead of spending time with them it can sometimes be down to an ulterior motive, such as guilt.
Are you sure he is happy with this relationship? And are you sure he isn't doing anything which he shouldn't be doing? This of course is just a question you should ask yourself as when it comes to things like this you have to look at every single option as to why he isn't giving you affection.
I think you should bring him up on this, I know you have done before but this time you need to be a little bit harder on him. Tell him that you understand the issues with sex at the moment, but you don't understand why he can't give you any affection. Tell him you feel like he is neglecting your emotional needs and bring him up on the fact that he says it'll get better but it doesn't. You should also ask him if there is anything which is stopping him from having sex or spending time with you... their could be something on his mind that he just isn't sharing with you.
I think after that you should then arrange a night with him where you just spend a romantic night in... watch some movies or cook him tea.. and assure him that it doesn't have to end in sex.. but you still want to feel valued. If he agree's to it then make yourself look nice and maybe you should try to initiate something sexual... after all what is the worst that could happen?
If after all this he still doesn't tend to your needs as a woman, you should tell him you are finding it hard to spend your life like this... obviously don't make him feel bad for not being able to have sex, but let him know that you need some kind of contact because it is driving you mad the he doesn't give you the affection you so badly want and need. Good luck x
...............................
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (23 February 2015):
 Just a thought...Have you tried "spicing things up" ? Like greating him at the door in the nude? Going topless around the house? If that won't get his attention then you are in for a long winter. Sorry to hear that but some guys just fade away a bit early in life.
...............................
|
