A
male
age
30-35,
*91
writes:Question to the women out there on dear cupid...What are the defining qualities that you look for in a man, from initial attraction to wanting to develop a relationship with someone?I only ask this for a little advice as I struggle quite a bit with the ladies and it's something that I've never had any luck with and want to change my fortunes...I'd say I'm a good looking guy, funny and easy going to get along with. I know I can ATTRACT girls, but I just freeze up when trying to start any contact or talk face to face.The main thing for me is that I have confidence issues and don't really have the goods when it comes down to making first contact with a girl such as going over to start a conversation or something - I don't know how to start conversation and don't know what to say that could immediately interest a girl and not make her think I'm a weirdo or invading personal space or something. Another fault I think is that I attach myself to someone quite quickly and maybe expect too much too quickly.I've always been a very firm believer in the quote that 'Nice guys finish last' as it seems no matter how much the gentleman I have been with girls I've had a chance with in the past, I've never been special enough to take it further than friends and I think that's down to me being 'too nice' and girls thinking I'm too good and not interesting.Please ladies, enlighten me, tell me what the qualities are that you look for in a man so maybe I can take that advice and try to take it on board and become more desirable!
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male
reader, N91 +, writes (31 May 2011):
N91 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thankyou everyone!
It was very helpful to gain an insight into what women look for and there were a few varying qualities so I really appreciate your views as they all made for very interesting reading.
@ anon_e_mouse - You make a very good point, I shouldn't be asking what I should change about myself for a woman, so thankyou for reminding me that I should always be myself!
Thanks for taking the time to answer, hopefully I will have more luck in the future :)
A
male
reader, anon_e_mouse +, writes (31 May 2011):
 This is the worst thing to do... Forget about what Women want. Be yourself as you are and go for what you want in a woman. If/when one likes you it'll be for you and the person you are... Not some person you've moulded yourself into to attract them.
I'm quite shy when talking to girls I really like despite being confident with anyone and everyone else. You know what? Some like it and some don't but I'm not changing who I am to attract a lady.
I see the opposite all the time. Seems to be a craze thanks to the IT-Girl Celebs... So many girls wear so much make-up, fake tan, some go so far as to get fake boobs etc. Is that who they are? FAKE PLASTIC PEOPLE... Give me something natural, and REAL anyday (including personalities).
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2011): In my case, I usually like a man with a sense of humor, although a joke every 5 minutes is quite annoying. Confidence is sexy. This is something you will truly have to work on. Most women I know are drawn to a man who seem confident, and usually will approach them first. But..keep in mind there is a difference b/t confidence and complete arrogance. Do not make yourself so available, some women may think it is desperation. And we smell it a mile away! When you do go out with them, be courteous, be complimentive, hold a door, we do like nice guys! You just haven't found the right one yet, so do not stress. she is out there! Never ever get too attached too quick. Not every relationship is meant to be. It does scare us, and never ever drop the L bomb too soon! My friend dumped a guy not too long ago over that (only after a month!) Just be you. Noone can really tell you how to be or act. But, advice does help. And you have some great answers here. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, jdd  +, writes (31 May 2011):
I dont mean to be blunt but you need to hear it. :) I'm going to go along with your statement and say you are a nice guy. But that is not why you would be finishing last.
When I started reading your post I already had two things in my mind that makes a guy very attractive -1. humor and 2. confidence --- I think confidence being the most important because there are different kinds of humor and sometimes it is the confidence that accompanies the humor that makes it funny. Then I continued to read and saw that you are guilty of a number one turn off --- becoming attached too soon.
I think before you can work on the number one turn off you need to address the confidence issue. Many of your dilemmas will fall into place from there. Nothing is worse than picking a mate (one that becomes a spouse) when you are not the best you that you can be, because you will never pick the right person. When you find your confidence - you wont worry about sounding like a "weirdo", you wont become attached too quickly, and you will just be you without thinking about it. On a separate note, i'm not sure if this is happening with you or not. Sometimes men wait to long in a relationship to express a romantic interest, and the tone is already set and often hard to change. That could be another factor in not getting the girl, but again it comes down to confidence. ---- good luck
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (31 May 2011):
 This is a good question to ask the women in your own life - be they friends, sisters, or your cousin's roommate's ex girlfriend. Compare the answers they give to the guys they have actually dated. You'll notice a huge discrepency between what women say they want and what they actually pursue. It's important to read between the lines, rather than just taking the answers at face value.
One of the things I like about DC is that relatively anonymous posting means the answers you get from women here are pretty much accurate to real life. Janniepeg's answer is very good - things like "What makes me attracted to a guy initially is that he knows what he wants and is not afraid to express that interest," or "Never ask her what she wants to do next or if it's okay if you do this."
Still, take the time to ask women you know about this. After the initial answers, ask again for things that actually make them attracted to a guy, rather than just a listing of nice traits. Ask them specifically about things that men in their lives have done that made the woman feel attraction.
Regarding "nice guys finish last:" women actually want to be treated nicely. They just want to be treated well by guys who attract them, and left alone by guys who don't. In the real world, a lot of them face the choice between being with a guy who attracts them and one who treats them well, and they often choose attraction over good treatment.
In other words, you can treat girls nicely and with respect after you have created attraction. They first need to know that you are confident and comfortable in social situations. This does not necessarily mean being a jerk, only having the capacity to be a jerk when needed. It includes being interesting and exciting. If you don't fit the criteria, learn to. It's a skill like any other. Go out and start some conversations. Get ready to be awkward, to run out of things to say, and to end a lot of conversations with "nice meeting you" after only a minute or two. Learn not to fear rejection, and build up your conversational skills at the same time.
When you finally start connecting with girls, don't latch on to one at the first sign of connection - that's a desperate-guy move, and chicks hate desperation. Build on the connection slowly, and be open to meeting more girls until one you like makes her interest in you clear.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (31 May 2011):
 The women here will tell you different things. You should define what you want in a woman instead of become a generalized likable hot guy to every woman.
What makes me attracted to a guy initially is that he knows what he wants and is not afraid to express that interest, and what's on his mind.
What makes me want a relationship with someone is that through connecting, I realize he has the life experience to truly understand my soul like no one else can, and that we complement each other. A little nervousness is okay. Instead of starting a conversation, ask a girl out for a movie, then comment about the movie later. While you walk with her to the movie, try to have her walk side by side with you. Comment on her dress or the surroundings. Never ask her what she wants to do next or if it's okay if you do this. After the date, focus on whether you like her or not, rather than the other way round. Be a little selfish here.
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (31 May 2011):
 Hi there...
The first thing that attracts a woman is looks-if you don't know the person. After that, it's nice if a man can hold a conversation and be able to talk mutually without opening up too much right away. A guy who opens up too much and who is too clingy isn't attractive. After you get comfortable with a guy, it's all about personality and how he interacts with others and me. He needs to have a sense of humor and not be too uptight that he can't laugh at himself. Women don't like perfect guys because we aren't perfect and it's just too hard keeping up. So, try to let your guard down a little. Initial conversations should be light and not too cheesy. Maybe talk about the weather or her shoes or her necklace or really anything you like about her-even what she's eating or drinking. Light....
The best kind of romances though are when you know someone and you grow to admire and like them over a period of time when you are friends or co-workers or classmates.
When you get to the point where you are dating, open up a little, not too much. Like opening a window for a fresh breeze. We don't like guys who think they are special-we want to tell them they are special. We like guys who are nice and who treat their mother with kindness and respect-because that's the way they will treat us. Always be a gentleman, we like that too.
You sound like a great guy and I am sure it's just timing and not meeting the right woman. It's very hard these days.
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