A
male
age
36-40,
*ay3532
writes:this is a question going out to the ladies out there, can you go from a 4 year relationship to a new relationship (say within 1 year) and love the new guy? To make the story short, I basically starting going out with a girl who got out of 4 year relationshp aprox 1 year ago, we have ben dating for almost 6 months, however im starting ot get paranoid thougthts that she may still be in love with her ex? she has told me numerous times she never loved him and only loves me, but you see the thing is, iv been with girls in the past (just 2) who have said this, but later on ive found out that they still in love with there ex, now i am getting these insecure thoughts AGAIN about my current relationship, i just want to know from experience if anyone has been through this, mainly women advice, what are the chances she still may love her ex, even if she denies it? im stressing a little here
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female
reader, _crystalxo  +, writes (10 May 2012):
There is so reason for you not to trust her. Four years is a long time but everybody is different. She is no longer with him , she is with you now. Keep an open mind and do not let your paranoia in the way..because without any solid proof she end up paying for the damage of your exes. Good luck
A
female
reader, agneeman  +, writes (9 May 2012):
 Hi. I'm sorry you're going through this. I know what it is like to have paranoid feelings because of past experiences, so I think that your feelings are totally natural because you've gone through this before.The truth is, if I really loved some one, and they asked me if I had feelings for an ex... I actually would lie not to hurt his feelings. Of course, the reason I'd be lying is because I love the current person.I have been able to go from a three year relationship (with my first love, whom I loved deeply) to dating some one else that I cared about in a week, and completely forgetting about my ex, because he was a total jerk. [I kid you not]On the other hand, I have also been able to be engaged, and when I saw an ex I felt so attracted to him (and terribly guilty for it). I spoke to a counsellor and he said I just needed closure on it. But, I tell you, even in that moment, when I was holding my dear fiance's hand and I still couldn't stop staring at my ex and wondering why it didn't work out, and even ended up crying in the ladies room... Even then, if you had paid me I would not have swaped my fiance for my ex... not in a million years. And now that I am married, a few months later, I actually pictured my ex kissing me the other day and I wanted to vomit. This is a guy I could not get over for three years, and the idea of him touching me literally makes me nauseous.... And you know why? Because in contrast to the selfish jerk he was, I have the sweetest, most considerate husband. We are at a rough patch in our relatioship, and even now, even in my worst anger, I do not want my stupid ex... Not if he showed up in a limo with flowers in one hand and diamonds in the other.So, if you want to be the love of a girls life, just don't be a jerk(a cheater/ mean / critical/ the type of guy who makes her feel unattractive) . Be a knight (kind, considerate, a good listener, funny, caring about her feelings)No jerk could take me from my knight in shining armour... Not even if that jerk was better looking, richer, a better kisser and an ex.Hope that helps
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (9 May 2012):
 Jay: "Sounds" to me like you are accurately on the path of scuttling any possibility of having a long-term, warm, affectionate and satisfying relationship with this - or ANY woman.....
Read your submittal again.... no, once isn't enough.... do it THREE times.... and then go look at yourself in the mirror, read the submittal again... and see if it makes any sense. Some of us (guys) are able to sabotage ANY relationship!!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2012): My answer is yes. I personally went from a long-term relationship and within about a year met my current boyfriend and I love him more than I ever thought was possible. I can honestly say that I don't love my ex, in fact I can't stand him, he wasn't nice at all. I know insecurities can make you doubt things, but if you let them they will destroy a good relationship, so unless you have proof, please don't lem destroy your relationship, trust your girlfriend unless you have real proof there is a reason not to. Good Luck
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (9 May 2012):
 I think your own insecurity will break this up far more quickly than any ex in the wings.
Why does she need to keep re-assuring you who she loves the most. Who cares? Unless you are spending too much time comparing. And that is a turn off.
I don't even understand the need to be jealous
She is with you. Cherish her. Celebrate your time with her. Find joy in your time together.
Often nothing is forever - and from no fault of our own.
But pushing for validation that you are the 'one' will get tiring and would drive any girl away.
Keep it up and she may start to forget what a pain her ex was sometimes.
Try to get a handle on your insecurity and focus entirely on the Joy you have this second, this minute, this hour, this day, this week.
Instead of over thinking what might happen in the next second, minute, hour, day etc
A more positive focus could open up a whole world of joy for you instead of feeling so gloomy about what might happen.
No one is perfect
No relationship is without some hic-cups occasionally.
But there is a whole lot more joy in any relationships when we can rid ourselves of jealousy, over-thinking and insecurity. Banish this negativity from your life and go smell the roses. Or better still maybe buy her a single beautiful rose and present it to her with a kiss and your love just because she gives you so much joy.
Life is about beautiful memories. Not about what if.....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2012): "can you go from a 4 year relationship to a new relationship (say within 1 year) and love the new guy?"
You don't need a ladies answer specifically here, the answer is yes.
"what are the chances she still may love her ex, even if she denies it?"
The chances are almost zero if you have no evidence to back up your insecurities.
What evidence do you have Jay? Your experiences in the past are not evidence and you know that not all men or women are like that. So she's given any real reason to doubt her you really should trust her. Every relationship is a risk, you risk getting burned every time but it's a risk worth taking. The last thing you want to do is ruin your relationship yourself based on what happened with the last two.
No evidence, no problem. Trust her until she gives you a very real reason not to.
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