A
female
age
51-59,
*ennismom47
writes:Contemplating ending a 6 year relationship with a good man who loves me. Nobody's perfect and I have ongoing beefs with him but he is loyal and true and MAY be doing his best to make me happy-- I need your input to decide. We have very different backgrounds. He's Latin from a tight-knit, loving family. I'm from a dysfunctional one (putting it mildly). I may be looking at things wrong. I don't want to hold him to some unrealistic fantasy I hold in my mind and make him feel he's coming up short. This story has several layers. Here's the crux of it I suppose... He was helping me rear my 2 teen sons these past 5 yrs. His daughter was added to our mix almost 2 yrs ago, at my invitation. She was a few wks from her 18th bday, having drama with her mom, etc. We helped support her financially to some extent the yrs prior.Anyhow, I helped her get her GED. Researched the prog, took her everyday for classes, then to take the test. She passed, and spoke of college and getting a job. I encouraged her, took her around places for apps. Helped her every step of the way. She got a job in fast food, where she's been (almost 2 yrs). A yr after getting her GED she enrolled in college online on the nudge from bf, and friends. She dropped out 3 months later and now owes the balance. There's no mention of college anymore. No mention of a better job. NO mention of getting a license, or buying a car. I take her to and from work, and wherever else she needs to go, nail salon, dr visits. Her dad takes her to her to and from friends, and her moms to visit on days off. She just calls when she's ready, and he smiles and goes straight away.Okay now. He says he's encouraging her to strive for her independence slowly gaining her trust so she will allow his guidance. I say, I have a grown girl in my home (doing ALL that grown people do) who's not paying one dime toward gas or household. He thinks we should not charge our children to live at home.She and I have no issues. She is a lovely, respectful girl who does anything I ask of her. She isn't here too much because on her days off she runs with friends. (Of course Daddy running behind her). He works hard, he's too tired sometimes, but he never vocalizes any complaint whatsoever. He clearly adores her and wants her to know daddy's there. (Part of this, he's undoing a bad image of him from a nasty divorce, where he was badmouthed by other family.)So my issue: 1. I dont think he'd do all this running so joyfully for my kids. 2. I also feel like he is making her very comfortable to continue like this. We run her wherever, whenever she wants to go, while she's under no pressure to do college, or bother with bills like owning a car, ins. 3. I suggested she pay us $150/month to cover her gas and hh. He said NO. I said, what if we put it aside and give it to her when she moves out, like a savings account. He said, NO to both ideas.So he's rearing her his way, that's clear. He wants her perfectly comfortable to grow at her pace, also clear. He adores her, also clear. He loves me too. I know this. Yet, I feel threatened by this (indefinite) arrangement where I'm on the outside? It feels like I'm not being prioritized. But I make all final decisions with two sons. Isnt he entitled to the same with his grown daughter? She's almost 20, I see no end in sight. At his nudges she gave him a couple mos back the living expense check from school (she dropped out so she owes it back but prob isn't paying. We don't ask, that's her biz. Respect he says?) Out of that $1257 check, she needed $ several x, so there's $500 left of it. This wk she handed him the $400 tax return check to add to it.So to give you the picture... She's working fast food for nearly 2 yrs with no mention of college or better job. She brings home about $900+/mo and lives here free. We take her wherever she wants to go, with a smile. IS this cool? Indefinitely?
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female
reader, Sugarbuns  +, writes (12 May 2012):
 It sounds like you need to keep talking to him about what you've said to us. You need to tell him that you want Saturday with him and you're tired of how her schedule interrupts your quality time as a couple. Until you open your mouth and talk to him about your feelings things will never change. And maybe you don't have quality family time with her but you do have car time with her while your driving her everywhere and you can still plant some seeds in her head about having a better future than this! And maybe your man is enjoying the feeling of being needed by his daughter but it's becoming a huge crutch and he needs to wake up. Keep pointing things out to him. Try not to sound ugly, but factual. Keep talking, keep sharing your thoughts with him. Keep showing him what your expectations are. And ask him where does he see his daughter in 1 year from now? Hopefully not still doing the same thing!
A
female
reader, tennismom47 +, writes (10 May 2012):
tennismom47 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYeah, I think it is cultural. My man used to say my son had to be doing more than just a part time gig a BK (fast food) after graduation. But now that his daughter came to live here and all she's doing is fast food, his answer, it's different, he's a man, she's a girl. He's since toned it down (more evenly), in favor of promoting equal responsibility to both sexes.And to answer the one response about getting in her head to see if she's depressed, etc. She's happy to be with her friends, and her bio family. When asked she readily replies she's happy living with us. Why shouldn't she be- ? She has it 100% made here. We both regularly reassure her that we care, and we are here for her for anything. She is not depressed. She is beautiful, dresses well, has the latest hairdos, goes to all the great night spots, has many friends, great social life and a boyfriend or two. Her life is that of an ideal teen. Her other family side is often hitching rides, catching the bus to get around. Her best friend doesn't work or talk of getting a job, she has boyfriends who supply her nice things. So my stepdaughter has not been exposed to stable living, and prefers to look good and be chauffeured about at her beck and call than sacrifice and save for a car.One of you said, If I dont want to keep running her around, then stop. Simple. True. I have made her aware that come Sept rides will be scarce as I'm taking a job to start saving for things I want. We dont have it easy financially.We need a vacation, and I need a new car. There is nothing in savings but we can afford to help his 2 other grown children $150 at a time for their "mismanaging" or budgeting challenges. When I said let me save back $150/month for us, then whatever else you do for others is Aok fine by me-- I got flack. Which then hurt my feelings and made me feel my own sacrifices are going unnoticed. Certainly by him.At her age, and having boyfriends, etc, she knows the one day her dad is off work, she should let me have him, knowing we run all week for her. Let him wake up with me Sat am instead of run to get her to be at work at 7 am. She doesnt have to get her every whim at my expense. I know it aint easy. I gave room/time for him to learn how to balance having two women in the house who adore you and both want your attention. Its been almost 2 yrs. Time is up.I love them, but I love me too. Thanks for all your comments. Truly they were helpful in my sorting this out.
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A
female
reader, tennismom47 +, writes (10 May 2012):
tennismom47 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAll advice appreciated. Guess you have to walk a day in my shoes to feel me. But points taken.
On Sat mornings if you were just starting to enjoy your very limited precious time with your man, and you're interrupted by the usual call- the almost 20 yo daughter (who may never want a license or car responsibilities, who might live with us and need rides for several more yrs at this rate) needs a ride home, then a ride to work.
When you've lived this one for 2 yrs, you've walked part of one day in my shoes.
The part about maybe ending things, is prob because he doesn't mind the interruption, no notice that we need our time too. He could take a little more charge of the situation. We sacrifice for our kids, true, but she's not my kid, and she's not A kid, so I'd feel better if there was anyone noticing my "sacrifice." Not just expecting it.
Am I an equal partner or not? ---doing everything his way for his daughter. If she needs me, I am there, but wants and preferences of grown kids, can start to crown out priorities of lovers, mates, partners. Taking its toll.
But... This is my life... for now.
I am thrilled he IS a good, responsible dad. I wouldn't want him otherwise. We always included her in our family stuff. I am the one who invited her to live here. I stand behind the decision for better or worse. I guess I just thought she would want to do something good with her life to show appreciation for the gesture. She is a beautiful, sweet young lady who respects our house. And I am her chauffeur until I upset the apple cart.
Thanks again. I got it out of my system now. Cheers.
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A
female
reader, Foot-In-My-Mouth  +, writes (10 May 2012):
 I suppose this is very cultural issue. My culture is almost the way the first anonymous female reader posted. Children stay with their parents even after they're grown up and it would be deemed outrageous to expect them to pay their parents for anything. And when they are older, they take care of their parents. That's how it works here. And it helps in keeping the family together because people think in terms of 'we' and not 'I'.Personally, I don't think ending a relationship with a seemingly good, responsible man only because his daughter lives with you and doesn't pay (and you admit that she pays her way with most things) is rather petty. He's her father, remember? I don't mean to be harsh but it seems to me that you'll lose a good thing by focussing on such a minor issue. It isn't easy to find love and when you do, it's better to put up with some inconvenience rather than let it go. I hope I didn't hurt your feelings. All the best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2012): You said it, you promote lower grades, but enough cash to buy a car for your son. I completely disagree. I promote better grades, and I prefer to buy a car for my child, as I think it's much more important to get into good college instead of working hard to buy that car.My child is grown up enough. She went back to school to get her masters, and we are helping her financially for her to work less so she can study.U feel left out, because your boyfriend ignores your demands, I understand.He obviously disagrees with you how to bring up children. You are not her mother, and you shouldn't be so deeply involved. Also, you should not be paying for his daughter anything. And driving also. You don't want to drive her, then don't drive. And make it very clear to him.Your concern about her saving money is very unclear to me. Why do you care? Its his daughter who came into your life just a couple years ago, why would you care about her savings? If it's all about her getting car, so you wouldn't have to drive her, then just stop driving her.You said it yourself she doesn't cost you anything. She is his child, he is contributing to a family for him and her. All I can say that it would be silly just because of that leave him, but I think there are other issues here.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2012): Reading your story, I wish my dad was at least 10ercent like your boyfriend, who at my wedding when I was 19 said, now im washing my hands ( interpretations means you are not my problem anymore, but your husband's) whAt an ass!!He divorced my mother when I was 5, and was occasional father to me coming into my life and going whenever he was pleased to do so. He remarried to a woman with a son, and I think he is a better father to her son than to me.And this is what I thought growing up: I m his flash and blood, not that boy, I should be number one, not her son. But she did what was good for her, her son was pushing me out slowly but surely out of my fathers life.I'm glad that your boyfriend thinks his daughter is number one, not your sons, because they are not his children, but she is. And he is trying to be a good father the best he knows how.Now, the issue with her not contributing to household. In many cultures this how it is. In my home country I stayed with with my mom for 5 years being married with a child and didn't pay for Anything only for food.In my culture we don't throw children out of the house as soon as their 18 but help them until they become more or less independent which means after they find their first job, and even then it depends how much money they make. If we have means we always help financially. And then later on, when we are old they help us.The fact that youndont like how she is with her plans for the future is understandable as it seems that u like her as a person, and u care. But really you can't do anything here, you are not her mother.If it bothers you so much that u are ready to split with your boyfriend than do it. I don't know how many other good man are laying around at your age to have a relationship with though.Life changes all the time. His daughter might change if a few years so much that she will go to college on her own will, graduates, does her masters, will get a great job. And in a mean time you don't have your wonderful boyfriend anymore, your sons are living their own lives, and your are alone. There is much to think about.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2012): She's not your daughter. She is, however, his daughter. Flesh and blood. If he decides he wants to help her along while she tries to figure out her life, that's his perogative and you need to learn to deal with it.You say she's quiet. Do you actually know whats going on in her head? Most teens want their freedom. If she has no motivation, there may be other factors at hand here...like depression, confusion over growing up, stress on making big decisions, etc etc. She's only 19 for Gods sake. Do you expect her to have her car and career all mapped out perfectly?I went through the same thing when I was a teen. I worked fast food for a few years not because I had no drive, but because I was trying to figure out what I wanted to do with my life. THEN I went back to school and got my car. I had a loving dad just like hers.So be patient and try to support her.
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A
female
reader, tennismom47 +, writes (9 May 2012):
tennismom47 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnswer to a post. All your good suggestions have been tried and amounted to little of nothing. On her time off she is eager to get with her friends her age, or visit her mother and sister. We don't have an average "family" life per se. She's here, but quiet as a mouse, sleeps late, goes to work, keeps up her own space, does her own laundry, etc. We chauffeur her around to work or wherever. She doesn't spend time with us. I have 3 teens (2 sons), they all go their own direction.Now, my 18 yo son worked a yr and half and bought his own car cash outright at 18. He pays his own insurance, gas, upkeep. His grades suffered, but... He drives himself to work and his social life. The younger is 16, and will be on the same path. That's what I promote.He feels it should be in their time in their pace. No push. Now about her friends, no jobs. No college I dont think. If I ask, I feel I'm intruding on her personal life. He minds his biz and gives her plenty of privacy and respect. That's prob why I feel on the outside of something I have zero input or control in. : (
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A
female
reader, Sugarbuns +, writes (9 May 2012):
Your man is an "enabler" and he's stunting the growth of his own daughter with his "love". But before you throw in the towel on your relationship, try visiting with her casually one day in a non-threatening way. Say, while you're chaufering her around ask her if she's ever thought about being a nurse, or a financial banker. Find out what interests her in the big scheme then give her a few casual pointers about how she might achieve her dreams. Does she even have any goals? What do her friends do? Are they in college? Are they striving to do something with their lives or is she surrounded by similiar kids? One thing you might do since you're already stuck driving her around is to start exposing her to things that might promote some inspiration. Take her to art shows, to the Theater, to the Ballet. Let her see the life that's out there so she might see something that turns her on and she'll come to the conclusion, "this is what I want to do with my life!" But she will never catch that vision in the rut she's in right now. If I'm right and she begins to think about things she'd like to do with her life (does she see herself running a museum someday?....Teaching kids how to play music?.....Becoming a Yoga instructor?.....Working at a bank?......) Once she starts thinking/dreaming about what she'd like to do (and yes, you will have to give her some insight because I think she really lacks the vision to see it on her own).....then you will have a better strategy to work with.Then you make a date with your man. Get in the car and drive somewhere so the two of you can talk without anyone hearing the conversation and then gently without accusation or critisim you must try to reason with him. Share with him what she has shown interst in and discuss how the two of you might help her achieve that goal so she can do something more with her life.If he doesn't seem open to the idea ask him where he sees his daughter in 1 year...or 5 years? What are his hopes for her? What about the things that interst her (assuming you've discovered what those are before you have this talk with him) What would he like to see her become? Once he begins to think in those terms then it becomes a "goal" in his mind to help her get there and she's not going to get there as long as she's being spoon fed and cradled every day at your expense. Tough love is hard for some people to handle and so they continue this type of enabling. Sure he loves being the hero in her life especially after his ex-wife probably tainted his character and now he has the chance to prove he's a good man. Point taken. But she has no motivation to do more for herself and you have to ask him point blank where is end point? Yes it's nice to support her for awhile. The key word being "awhile". But at some point the bird will never leave the nest without a good shove and he's got to be the one doing the shove, and it cannot look like you were the pulling the strings otherwise she'll turn on you in a heartbeat and drive a wedge between you and him. It has to be handled very carefully. I have friends who have grown kids still living on their couch doing nothing with their lives and it's because one or both parents do not practice any tough love. They can't imagine kicking their kids out. But how will they ever learn to stand on their own two feet if someone is always holding them up? He may not see it now, but he's preventing her from growing up. And it's preventing the two of you as a couple from enjoying your own lives. You could be out doing stuff together if you weren't constantly playing taxi-driver to her and all her functions. Something has to give and it's up to you to have these pointed discussions with him way from home because none of the kids should hear them. You have to start coaxing him into having a vision for his daughter's life so he will get on board with it and begin to move her in that direction.Good luck.
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A
female
reader, tennismom47 +, writes (9 May 2012):
tennismom47 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOn the stepdaughter story from tennis mom 47, a little clarification...She has never paid us a dime, but she pays all her own way since she's been working. Eye doctors, birth control, etc, clothes, hairdos, etc. She cost us very little $. There's gas for the running (prob $75 min), and the add'l electric and water usage at the house. Of course there's always food here but she doesnt eat home often. So a modest $100 to contribute is certainly fair amt if she were a contributing member of the family. She's bringing in $900+/mo and has Zero saved till just recently. She may be slowly getting the msg, or complying to avoid seeing tensions rise here. I can't say. She's a quiet girl. I talk to her a little about financial savvy offering to watch a video together. No interest.Her dad, (my bf of 6 yrs) has $900 saved for her as of yesterday. She handed over her tax ref check, $400. He has the other $500 from the school grant, (for a total of $900) but she owes one hosp bill, and now the school loan. Why doesnt she HAVE to save money OR contribute? Anybody Latin out there agree with his strategy? Why?
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (9 May 2012):
 Just because there is no end date in sight doesn't mean it's the permanent arrangement. Had she been going to a four year college, she would still be out of the job, not paying anyone anything, the only difference being she'd be stranded on a campus instead of being chauffeured around by you two, and probably be in a lot more debt.
I think that she SHOULD be encouraged to get her license because this is the most burdensome on the day-to-day routines you two have, and it's forcing her to be dependent. Other than that, I think you should let it be. Her father wants her to learn to be independent through working for her money and so your tampering with it may just be in his mind a means of micromanaging. My parents never really required me to earn my keep in terms of paying rent but I did have to have a job, and for us, that worked. If your family can afford to do the same, then don't press the issue. She'll have to become a full-fledged adult at some point, but expediting that process is kind of cruel...it's not that great out here, and I'm sure your bf just wants her to keep the little shred of that youth left while she still can.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (9 May 2012):
 Wow, someone who works for a fast food restaurant can afford manicures? That's wild. I would have thought those would be too pricey.
Okay, you are feeling that his daughter is being treated like a princess, and the rest of you are palace staff? Does that more or less sum it up?
I think if you are feeling taken advantage of, limit your chauffeur duties to when YOU are available. You can take her to work but she'll have to wait for a pick up when it's convenient for you. Doctor's office visits, what she has one or two a year? That's easy enough, and necessary. The mani/pedi runs, now those, I might say 'no' to. Get her friends to collect her and drive her to those.
It sounds like she's stuck in being a teenager. Your partner is her parent and is the one who gets to decide how he treats her, but you can choose to treat her as an adult, and allow her to experience the consequences of her choices. She chooses not to learn to drive? You don't have to drop everything to run her to the mall. If she owes YOU money (not Dad) for the schooling fiasco, make up a payment schedule and ask her to pay you back over time. Perhaps asking her to put gas in the car when you are on a discretionary chauffeur trip, for her. If she's along for the ride on your schedule, no need for her to pay for gas. If the trip involves only her fun time, yeah, she should be paying for gas at this point.
So, I'd be less available for fun runs to the mall and in fact, maybe I wouldn't be available for that at all any longer. The work commute could be worked out.
Have you spoken with your partner about how you are feeling? He has a duty to his daughter first, I think, but you two have a domestic partnership going and the addition of indefinite non-revenue producing mouth to feed and chauffeur certainly changes the balance of things. If push comes to shove, I think it's just become apparent that daughter will come first, and maybe that's really hard to absorb just yet. Wouldn't sons come first for you?
Talk to him, you're contemplating leaving him because of this and I expect he has no idea. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2012): Reading your story, I wish my dad was at least 10ercent like your boyfriend, who at my wedding when I was 19 said, now im washing my hands ( interpretations means you are not my problem anymore, but your husband's) whAt an ass!!He divorced my mother when I was 5, and was occasional father to me coming into my life and going whenever he was pleased to do so. He remarried to a woman with a son, and I think he is a better father to her son than to me.And this is what I thought growing up: I m his flash and blood, not that boy, I should be number one, not her son. But she did what was good for her, her son was pushing me out slowly but surely out of my fathers life.I'm glad that your boyfriend thinks his daughter is number one, not your sons, because they are not his children, but she is. And he is trying to be a good father the best he knows how.Now, the issue with her not contributing to household. In many cultures this how it is. In my home country I stayed with with my mom for 5 years being married with a child and didn't pay for Anything only for food.In my culture we don't throw children out of the house as soon as their 18 but help them until they become more or less independent which means after they find their first job, and even then it depends how much money they make. If we have means we always help financially. And then later on, when we are old they help us.The fact that youndont like how she is with her plans for the future is understandable as it seems that u like her as a person, and u care. But really you can't do anything here, you are not her mother.If it bothers you so much that u are ready to split with your boyfriend than do it. I don't know how many other good man are laying around at your age to have a relationship with though.Life changes all the time. His daughter might change if a few years so much that she will go to college on her own will, graduates, does her masters, will get a great job. And in a mean time you don't have your wonderful boyfriend anymore, your sons are living their own lives, and your are alone. There is much to think about.
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