A
female
age
41-50,
*ixxxy
writes:After being married for 12 years and two little children, I've told my husband I can take it no more and I want out of this marriage.He has always been anti social making excuses about why he doesn’t want to go to gatherings and then saying I can go alone if I was soo keen, then I had found out about 3 years ago that he had been cheating on me and I thought I’ll be able to cope for the sake of the kids.I tried to make it work but even then I felt it was me putting in the effort rather than him and I just can’t make peace and trust him again also because I had been telling him since a year that I wasn’t happy AND thinking of splitting up and his response was much like I never want to hear you say that again or leave me so I can find someone who loves me etc. Though he later said he didn’t mean any of it and loves me too much, he basically says he loves me but hurts me a lot and it’s the emotional roller coaster and unpredictability that I got tired of since I am very simple and say it as I see i.I don’t know mind games. Now that I have confirmed to all friends and family that I have decided to leave him and he is changed completely. He has claimed all along that he really loves me but I just don’t feel it and from friends I talk to they explain that he is the emotional manipulator type who uses every possible emotion to hold on to me. I find him very unpredictable and one minute he says stuff like everyone makes mistakes forgive me and another time he says you were just never right and I should have never married you though he later apologizes for it..I constantly fight the urge to believe him but hold myself since my gut feel is that I feel I’ll be in for another rude shock again and can’t trust him but at the same time I wonder if he has changed for real AND should I be giving him the benefit of doubt that he is really apologetic – I feel so confused and can’t trust my own instincts anymore which is not what I was like ever. Just last night in a fight when I asked why he cant just go to his girlfriend that he had, he linked me to all a lot of my ex colleagues saying I chat so much with them he does not like it …and that he doesn’t trust me either and again today he says he’s sorry.
View related questions:
my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2012): I'm sorry but I also have to agree with Aidan. Your marriage is not healthy and it sounds like you have a husband who manipulates you. I'm so sorry that you are going through this! It is so painful to come to the realization that your husband, while saying he loves you, does not show it with his words ("I never should have married you") or his actions. He cheated on you and since he doesn't trust you I suspect he is still contemplating adultery or at least is still having an affair. Without counseling and love and respect from both side and a mutual agreement to give the marriage a whole hearted try again (you need a neutral 3rd party here since you will be manipulated by him), your marriage is indeed over. My sister faced this exact dilemma and she is now happily in love with another man whom she plans to marry. She was married 14 years to a man who also was unfaithful, was manipulative, and never, ever came to our family outings. She begged him to be a part of her life but he was selfish and he never did. She was alone to raise the children and never felt loved. One day she met a nice man online while looking for a gaming product and they became friends, eventually fell in love, and he has turned out to be the kindest man who loves her 3 children. They had a baby together and he gladly comes to ALL the family outings. We just love him. They have their squabbles but he is nothing like the cheating, manipulative, boring, unloving, ex husband. I guess I am saying all this because there is hope after an unhappy marriage, if you decide that you simply will not allow yourself to remain with someone that doesn't love you. Talk is cheap and so is the word "sorry" without change. Do his actions show you that he loves you? It appears they don't and his temporary "change" is only to keep you in a marriage that he has admitted he didn't want from the beginning. Trust takes years to rebuild after infidelity. If you intend to stay a counselor is probably your last hope since you have some seriously painful issues to work through. I would personally not remain in the same house with him, but that is just me. I'd get some money together and have an exit plan in place, with lots of support networks (family, friends, church, work, etc), should you need to move on for good.
A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (2 July 2012):
Follow your instincts, the marriage is over. Staying together for the sake of the kids is a noble gesture, but a flawed one. The children would be better off with 2 parents that love them, but live separately from each other, than in a home with a toxic atmosphere of mistrust, frustration and anger. And in what way has your husband changed since you made up your mind that you were going to leave? Don’t believe that he’s changed just because he says he loves you, talk is cheap. Saying the right things isn’t the same thing as changing your ways. It sounds like his anti-social behaviour and lack of genuine remorse for his infidelity remain. How many times will you allow yourself to be manipulated and talked around by empty apologies? It’s going to be painful, and you’ll need support from as many friends or family members as you can, but the time has come to leave this marriage. He should have access to his children, and you should try to agree this with him, but you should keep your roles as parents separate from your marriage, which is over!
I wish you all the very best.
...............................
A
female
reader, Vixxxy +, writes (2 July 2012):
Vixxxy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks.Also in trying to convince me to carry on with him he also suggested that i stay with him since in his words 'You will be unhappy as it is so you may as well stay with me coz in that way atleast you will be partially happy that you can go wehre you like and leave the kids with me and our children and parents will be happy, by leaving you will make everyoen else unhappy' - is he trying to put me on a guilt trip about making everyone unhappy or trying to suggest that i will be unhappy forever?
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (2 July 2012):
 Time for a separation. You both need the time living apart to do some soul searching and to clear your heads. I'd arrange it ASAP if I were in your shoes.
...............................
A
male
reader, CJH +, writes (2 July 2012):
 You have two young children there. You are essentially teaching them that this is how relationships should be.
Get out of there right now and settle yourself and your children in a better place.
Your husband can still be a dad. The fact he is a rubbish husband doesn`t mean he can`t be a good dad.
Honestly, the only answer is to end this misery before it destroys you all together.
Good luck.
...............................
A
male
reader, Rowdy +, writes (2 July 2012):
The two of you should go to a marriage counseling. What your friends have said seems spot on to me. However, if you do love him, and he loves you, it's possible that you can change it and make things better. But, if you do intend to work with him on this, go to a professional and listen to their advice and counseling. I mean no offense, but I don't believe you'd be able to fix it alone.
Hope this helps
...............................
|
