A
female
age
51-59,
*ninvited
writes:I am in the middle of a divorce and have met a married man who has the same values and needs. My marriage will be over for reasons that have nothing to do with him;however we have connected both mentally and sexually. I was asked where I was 10 years ago. He is miserable with his wife and wants to leave. He has admitted to me that he sees he is not the bad guy his wife makes him out to be. I am an outsider looking in and have opened his eyes as he says I have. Tonight I took the step after almost 1.5 months to tell him that this is not what we should be doing and that he is such a beautiful man and great guy that I myself would marry him 10x's over and has a damaged heart that can be fixed in due time. I told him that I know that he will get by with either her or find his way to his soulmate. I got a call saying that i can't make a statement as so and to please rethink this. What are my next steps with this? ...Uninvited....
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female
reader, Uninvited +, writes (16 February 2010):
Uninvited is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your input. with respect to eddie's question on values. we were both brought up from the same "family values" of what a woman and a man's responsibility is. At this point it is considered "old school" but it's hard for a woman to be brought up to take care of her home, kids, husband and whatever else is thrown our way to hear that the when he sees what his mother does for his father and to know that he is the one cleaning the floors after a 120 work week is very upsetting to me. A man should be taken care of the way he provides for his partner and vice versa. I think that we give eachother that peace of mind of knowing that the way we were and are both treated that there is someone that is able to say.."you are not the one with the problem" she calls him a waste..i was called a nag..but yet they both have and had the best of both worlds except for him his wife does not give him the compassion and intimacy that he needs and deserves. I for one always made sure that mine was taken care of in everyway but he choose the road of perscription drugs. I look forward to another response to this. Thanks again everyone.
A
female
reader, Ich_liebe_dich  +, writes (16 February 2010):
 You just said that you are in the middle of devorce, you are just now on your way out from the trouble you have had. next thing to do now is to be nice to your self now. Dont rush on thing now. After you get out from trouble take time for your self. Relax, enjoy being out of stress, enjoy being free again. if you wanna be in the relationship again, make it sure this time its going to be better not more worst than before. lets learn from the past. I wish you good luck..
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (15 February 2010):
 I guess what always gets my attetnion is the ability people have to whitewash their behaviour. This is usually followed by a flowery description and justification of their poor choice. Why did you decide that this is not a scenario you should be part of? It sounds like you've convinced yourself you've taken the martyr role here. Can you tell me what your values are? What are his values. Based on your actions, your values are not very valuable.
You only know his side of the story as far as his marriage goes. He has a vested interest in keeping the other part secret. The reality is, your opinion on his marriage, after you've slept with him is really jaded. That's like the burglar giving instructions about what type of lock to buy for the front door. In reality, although you say you've seen the light and offer him advice, you helped make the issue much more complicated.
Maybe you should apologize for involvong yourself in his marriage. Tell him that you were both wrong, his focus is his marriage, if that doesn't work, he's free to divorce. One thing is for sure, he can't focus on his marriage when he's having sex with another woman. What i s your opoinion on this?
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (15 February 2010):
Hmm, perhaps he is not the guy you think he is. If he had the same values and needs, he would have left his wife before having anything to do with you. Clearly, he preferred to cheat. I am very glad that you have seen that there is a problem and have told him that this is not what you should be doing. Because surprise surprise he has called and said that you need to rethink this without so much as whispering that he is going to leave his wife. Do not do anything with this man unless he leaves his wife. You don't want to end up as an object being used. If he really loves you and wants you, he will leave her and be with you. Stay well away.
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