A
male
age
51-59,
*azzy
writes:I had the affair first, im still trying to understand why. I pushed my wife away then she had an affair. I have lied and cheated, i have been egotistical and controlling. I have hurt my wife and my young children. I have destroyed everything that i ever wanted, a family a wife to love me. Only now do i see what i have done and that deep down i did love my wife, i do love my wife. i can only say that i am sorry and remorseful. To my wife i love you Jo, i never wanted to cause you pain.I found it hard to be a giving husband and father, i could not let go of myself and melt into the relationship. Now everything has gone and all my fears have been realised. What am i supposed to learn from this??
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Carrot2000  +, writes (16 December 2009):
 Gazzy, I completely understand where you are coming from. My mother didn't want me and was neglectful, so I, too, have attachment issues. Accepting love and affection from others is very hard for people like us; things such as this that seem to natural and easy for others are foreign to us. Because in so many ways I share your experience, I can tell you that you do not lack depth. Pushing people away and being superficial are coping mechanisms that you had to develop as a child in order to survive, but they no longer serve you. This is what you need to learn from this experience.
These survival tactics are making it impossible for you to have normal, healthy, loving relationships. The need to protect yourself and the inability to recognize what love looks like (I struggle with this, too) has cost you what you wanted more than anything, but it's time to let go and learn a new way of thinking and being. If you haven't already, please see a counselor to help you work through these issues so you don't make the same mistakes and hurt others (including yourself) ever again. In the meantime, be the parent to your kids that you never had. Show them you love them by treating their mother with respect and kindness. Feel free to PM me if you want.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2009):
I hear... I wanted an affair but I didn't want to hurt you in the process."I love you" translates to I love someone around to cook, clean, take care of me and keep me company.
It's those darn consequences that get to ya.
Now you get to learn all about child support.
Now you get to learn all about visitation days.
You get to learn how much your kids like the new guy in her life.
Better men than I have fallen in the same situation.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (15 December 2009):
 If you were superficial, you wouldn't care.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2009): If you were superficial you wouldnt be hurting now.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (15 December 2009):
 I am sorry your childhood was awful, indeed such events can have a devastating impact on adult life...but there is little you can do now with regard to your marriage.
There is all manner of help out there to get your life back on track, realise the effect your mistakes and actions had on others and give yourself some peace...you need to seek it out because it won't come to you.
If it all seems too much like hard work and you cannot face it then you have two choices...make the same mistake over and over OR just stay single. Nobody said life was easy and we all face consequences for our actions. I think that is what you learned the most!!!
I hope you find the courage to turn your life around and find peace xxx AE
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2009): Some lessons might be as follow, next time.... `melt` into the relationship. Only say you love someone if you really mean it. If things arent working, say so and try to fix the problems. Dont lie. Dont cheat. Get involved in the lives of the ones you love. Leave your ego outside on the doorstep when youre home and dont try to control everything.
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A
male
reader, Gazzy +, writes (15 December 2009):
Gazzy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou for your answers. Sometimes i ask stupid questions because i really dont have a clue emotionally. I had a abusive childhood and attachment issuse with my mother. Some of the reasons behind my affair are because i didnt know how to reciprocate the emotions with my wife, i lack depth. i am superfical.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy +, writes (15 December 2009):
To keep your penis out of other women?
The lesson ain't all that hard. It is "think before you act".
Do you really need to be told at 40+ that having an affair if you want a marriage is a bad idea?
Don't make the same mistake again, don't cheat, don't take the other for granted.
I have a very simple trick I use to amaze myself sometimes. I put the TV on black&white. Keep it that way for a while, then switch color back on. WOW! You are old enough to have grown up with B&W as well, but do you still wonder about the amazing colors on your tv? Oh sure, it is simple, but apply it to the rest of your life as well. Try to get that feeling back of driving your first car and going 120 on the highway! Once it was a thrill, now it is a commute.
And if you can do this with your partner, see him/her/it again as you did the first time, then you will never stray. Granted this takes work on both sides. Hold in that fart in bed guys and girls, hide some of the building materials that you call make-up. Keep the magic alive, even if you have to remind yourself that it really is magic.
And life is also about choices, I get the feeling you wanted a family but without the ties that this brings. Why did you cheat? To prove you still had it? Well, you proved it, and now you ain't got shit.
Next time, remember this.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (15 December 2009):
Don't get into a serious relationship if you aren't ready for it.
If you are a guy who cannot commit then don't get involved with someone.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (15 December 2009):
The lesson is "love the one you are with". The grass always looks greener on the other side but once you cross over there are nothing but weeds. Try to continue to be there for your wife as a friend, calling her just to chat, coming over with groceries to make dinner for them, getting involved in everything the kids are doing. Dont speak to her about second chances until you have slooshed like this for a year. A secret weapon is the family holiday; yes you might have to sleep in separate rooms but you might reconnect like you were when you first met. Another way to get her attention: through the kids. Women have a soft spot when a man is particularly good with her kids like taking them out even for a bike ride or helping with homework etc. Who knows? Maybe she might come around. Weldone for being man enough to admit that you were in the wrong; its a good place to start
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