A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm confused right now. I've been with my boyfriend for a year. I live in my own house and he lives with his family. We meet at my house and go out occssionally. My problem is that I don't think he cares about me. He was supposed to come to my house last week but his car broke down. He called me to say he was annoyed as none of his mates was answering his calls, it was going to cost him a lot of money to sort out etc. After he got home, I told him it was funny how he was annoyed about all these things but never once mentioned that he was annoyed about not seeing me. He kind of went quiet then came back and said he was annoyed that he didn't get to see me!!This made made re-think our situation. When he comes to my house he has clean clothes, he has food which I buy because he likes it. He gets to shower at mine and uses shower gel etc that I bought. I don't mean to sound petty (and please tell me if I am being petty) but what do I get out of it? He didn't buy me a birthday present, even though I bought him one. He didn't get me even a card on Valentine's day. It's like he will go to a petrol station before coming to mine and buy himself a bar of chocolate but would never think to buy me one just as a surprise. I think in many ways I am a good girlfriend. I don't text him incessantly, I encourage him to spend time with his family and friends, I don't call him at silly hours, if I have a problem, I sort it myself and never ask him to help.What I don't understand is if I do all this for him, why doesn't he appreciate me?
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, sorry it took a while to get back to you but here it is...THANKS!!Dr Psych, your insight is spot on! He lives at home where his sisters and mum do everything for him and I mean everything. He doesn't even buy his own clothes...his sister does!Anyway, I had a chat with him. It was pretty uncomfortable I have to say but I basically told him that he gets everything he wants at my house but it would be nice if he actually contributed something every now and again. The following week, he was coming to mine after work and for the first time in his LIFE, he went shopping!! He even brought me some grapes because he told me they would help ease my bad stomach! A few weeks later, I was really stressed at work and when he came to see me he bought me a relaxtion pillow to put around my neck. I think I got through to him...eventually. Thank you all again for taking the time to read my problem and provide your thoughts.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2011): I have a mind to ask: are you dating my ex boyfriend? :DHe sounds *exactly* like the guy I dated a year ago. Let's just say, I told him how I felt and that I felt he wasn't putting in as much as he was getting out - he promised he would 'try' but no matter how easy going I was or tough, nothing changed. He ended up gnawing at my belief I deserved better. A year on, crippled with low self-esteem in a relationship that was going from bad to worse, I made the decision to end things. I have never been happier :-)Long and short of it is, talk to the guy and explain that if he wants to be with you, he needs to work for you. No it's not all diamonds and champagne ^^ but you aren't an old married couple; you are young, and only one year in. It should be the most wonderful time still. Don't prolong this any longer if he isn't going to step up. Better to be single and channel all that energy and care and love to yourself than to an unworthy guy! Good luck
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (5 March 2011):
 I don't think you are being petty. He seems rather single minded and treating your home like a private hotel. Perhaps his family spoil him at home so he is getting a free lunch all round! If he doesn't want to buy you anything after a year, not even a chocolate bar...where is this relationship going? When the car breaks down, most people get a mechanic to come and fix it...he called his mates hoping for free help and that is telling out his attitude towards spending more generally. Perhaps his mates know he is a freeloader and choose not to answer their phones!
You haven't mentioned going out on many dates, just that he comes to your home from time to time. On these occasional times out, who pays then? I am not saying he should turn up with diamonds and champagne, but a gesture now and again is all part of dating and should be spontaneous, not prompted by you demanding it. It sounds like there is no romance and if you stay with him then you need to start setting ground rules. For one, he should pay his way - a fair share. You should go out together on dates, rather than just spending time at home together. This is the test of whether he is really into you or this is a relationship of convenience where you give him creature comforts. Finally, whatever happens never get into any financial agreements with this man - joint accounts, mortgages, property, credit cards or personal loans...it could end in disaster for you.
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A
female
reader, Godchild  +, writes (5 March 2011):
He might not know how to treat a girlfriend. I wonder if he is the only child thes are usyally the guys that lack concern and care and may seem a little selfish. He made not even know he giving off the signals he dont care. Good luck
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2011): You are not the first person in his thoughts. maybe you like him more than he does you.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (5 March 2011):
 No you are not being petty, its all the little things that you do that make a relationship and by the sounds of it you give him everything and he doesnt give you anything in return. You need to sit down with him and talk to him and tell him how you feel. He needs to meet you in the middle here. As you will only start resenting him if he doesnt start showing you that he cares. So get talking to him soon and hopefully he will start to improve and show you that he cares. Goodluck and all the best.
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A
male
reader, bruce lee  +, writes (5 March 2011):
 It sounds like he doesn't care much about you. But I can't tell you to dump him because it's your decision what you do with your life.You should not have to discuss these issues with him. He should buy you a chocolate bar as a surprise sometimes (as long as you don't start using him up).The bottom line is you need to tell him that you might dump him if he doesn't start showing that he cares. Bluff him and see how he reacts.I hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, sneha09  +, writes (5 March 2011):
 it really doesn't sound good from your words, if 1 adores anybody why he would behave like this?I think you should give him silly fights about gifts and all ,don't make it a serious issue though to see if he is getting concerned.If he does, good for both of you and if he is not paying much heed to these,i think you should not stick to it.
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