A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:hey, i am 21 and know people say im still young should be enjoying myself not worried about realtionships but (and please dont judge me) iv slept with 53 boys and only 3 if had a realtionship with. it isnt that i dont what a reationship because i do, but boys just seem to sleep with me and then dont want no more but sex. i dont know what im doing wrong as i do text and get to know these boys before i do sleep with them, and in most case do keep texting them after but when it comes to the point of things getting more serious they say i dont want a reationship but do want to carry on metting up. could anyone suggest hwta im doing wrong please ?
View related questions:
text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks everyone for your answers, they have helped.
but thanks you especially to MindAlteration as i did slept with a few boys when i was younger. but most of them was after my longest reationship and the one which he was my 1st love, and after reading your answer felt i related to it as it did become worse after him, as he use to bring up my past and say "your lucky your with me, no other boy will take on you,that sleeps with everyone" and then maybe i just made myself believe he was right, and that boys would only both if i gave them what they want. (although i never cheated on him, he did that how we ended)
anyways sorry for going on and thank you for all your answers :-)
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2011): A "mistake" is something that a person does a couple times.
50 sex partners by the age of 21 is not a series of mistakes, it's a preference for casual sex over relationships.
...............................
A
male
reader, Odds  +, writes (26 October 2011):
 The answer is that no guy wants to put more effort into sleeping with a girl than the last guy did. Think of it from his perspective: if the last guy had to invest only a few texts and a few beers before sleeping with you, the next guy is not going to bother trying if he has to put in any more effort than that. It doesn't seem fair to him.
Guys are pretty good at spotting a promiscuous girl, and you're not exactly helping your case by letting them sleep with you so quickly and easily. Plus, word gets around. They either know, or accurately guess, that you put out early and often, so that's what they go for, and they won't try for more.
The second part of the problem is this: guys believe that if they do put in the extra effort, the sex will not be any better or more frequent than if they had not, and that you will be more likely to cheat. It doesn't matter if it's the truth; what matters is what they believe.
So, stop putting out so early. Stop putting out so easily. Stop associating with players or sluts, even if they've been your best friends for years - they are a bad influence. Start meeting guys at better places. Start dating, and be patient, it'll take a while before you get the hang of it.
Once you do get a decent boyfriend, remember that even if you lie about your past (by the way, *don't* lie about it), he will on some level still be worried. So remember what I said about the concerns guys have about reformed-party girls (sex won't be any better or more frequent, and she'll be likely to cheat), and prove him wrong on all three counts - *after* you've dated him for a while (a month is a good starting figure) without sex. Even then, I can't guarantee results, but it's your best shot.
...............................
A
male
reader, dougbcoll +, writes (26 October 2011):
 you are giving in to them for sex and that is the type of guys that are going to come after you. you are showing no self respect to your self, and the men can see it. if you want a relationship with a guy you need to change your behavior toward the men you meet. if you do that you will start drawing a different type of man to you. right now you are drawing toward you the type of man that only wants what he can get from you, and then he is finished with you, and then he is off looking for the next woman he can take advantage of. you are being too easy and the guys know it! anything worth having in life doe's not come easy. i am not judging you but trying to help you. have self respect and the men will have self respect toward you. i hope this helps.
...............................
A
female
reader, Shadow Rose +, writes (26 October 2011):
 53 guys.
There's your problem. If you've slept with that many guys (Think of it this way, around TWO high school classrooms), they'd rather join the classes.
It's like, to them, why go to a 4yr college when you can just get a job at your uncles factory?
Set some ground rules, and they wont be tryng to get into your pants as often.
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (26 October 2011):
 They sleep with you - and avoid any sort of "relationship" - because YOU LET THEM GET AWAY WITH IT!!!!
Remember: NO red-blooded man will do anything more than he absolutely must in order to get a little sex!!!!
Good luck....
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2011): i married a girl like you, and we have the best marriage of anyone i know I love her to death. When I met her she was 21 and had had sex with approx 40 guys. here is what she did, from what i can piece together, that made her irresistable to me.
When she was younger, her hobby was boys. she went out all the time, with a goal to meet guys. if you asked her her interests, and she answered honestly, 1,2 & 3 would be guys.
After a while, and 40 different guys, she grew a little tired of this, and started to explore the rest of what is out there. she was still sleeping with guys here and there, but also developing her own interests and hobbys. By the time I met her, she was into a whole bunch of stuff that i found interesting. i thought she was such an adventurous and diverse person. when we started dating, I loved doing her stuff with her, and she was open and excited to learn and participate in the stuff i was into. We had sex pretty quick, but i didnt just want to fuck her. i was captavated by all she was into, and we had loads of fun doingt all this stuff together. Sex was almost a byproduct.
Now i dont think it matters what "stuff' you get into, but my advice would be to develope your own interests and hobies. Explore who you are. Do things (other than boys).
By the way, we have been together for 20 wonderful years. You can do it too!
...............................
A
female
reader, MissRead  +, writes (25 October 2011):
I think the bOok Why men love bitches, would be a good advice book for you. Men are like hunters, make it hard for them. If you read my question, you'll see I should have taken my own advice. Now I'll do my best to avoid sex in just a week. Men don't respect that. You want a relationship and you deserve a good guy. Make him work for it! Make a promise to yourself, that you will make him wait. If a man really likes you, he will. If not, he's a waste of your time and would leave sooner or later anyway.
...............................
A
female
reader, KittieS +, writes (25 October 2011):
 I'm not going to judge you, who you have slept with in your past is/was your choice. I just hope you have been safe whilst doing so, if you haven't please have a full screen for STD's - for your own peace of mind, also if you do end up meeting a nice man which I am sure you will you can be confident that everything is in order!So the way you have dated in the past has not been working out for you - so it's maybe time to change something.When you next meet a guy, make him "work" for you - try the three date rule, and I mean proper dates not the quick coffee kind. Don't ask them out wait for them to ask you, and go on proper dates, the kind that leave you wanting more, and leaves him wanting more, so a nice evening meal followed by a goodnight - then wait for him to get in touch with you. Don't text him! If he doesn't text you after a lovely night out - move on.Then after your third date, if and only if he has treated you right I.e he has been the one doing the chasing, you decide when to move it to the next level - if they try to get heavier during those initial dates, say no to sex.I believe you do things when they feel right, my boyfriend and I slept together on the first date - it worked. But I was lucky, I have been in your shoes with guys I spent ages getting to know via text orbphone, only to find after a date or two I slept with them only to then be used as a booty call.So try something different, see how it goes! And good luck!!!
...............................
A
female
reader, Candid Cally +, writes (25 October 2011):
You can't expect a man to buy the cow when you are giving away the milk for free...
You need to stop having sex, and doing sexual things with men and get to know them first if you want a relationship.
There is a good possibility that you have earned a reputation (amongst the men you know) as being a girl who is easy to get in bed, but not the kind of girl who expects a relationship. If you think this may be the case, you need to change your actions and therefore your reputation so men will realize you are looking for more than just sex.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 October 2011):
 It's pretty simple. Getting to know a guy via text isn't working for you. It is not getting to KNOW some one with some random back and forth texting.
TAKE the time to actually know them. THAT mean hang out, see a movie, go to a museum, a soccergame, picnic, out for coffee, game of pool, backgammon W/E - Show a guy that you have more to offer then just a roll in the hay.
Once you and the guy feel established enough with each other, THEN sleep together.
You are just giving it up left and right in hope that you land something permanent. It's doing nothing for you.
I have to say, and not judging.. 53 sexual partner at age 21 is excessive.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (25 October 2011):
 I'm not judging...
let's talk about this
you want a relationship and yet you seem to get nothing but hookups and fwb and you don't understand why....
you say you text them and get to know them before you sleep with them.
flesh this out for me... do you ONLY text... and then meet and have sex? that's the problem... STOP with the texting.
make them take you for coffee or a bite to eat.
take a walk and TALK....
do NOT use texting to build a relationship...do not mistake texts and words for getting to know someone...
and do not sleep with anyone until you have had "the talk" and know what they are looking for....
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2011): Dear Whoever you are I feel that as a male I got to tell you this .... 53 males in about 3 years (from the consensual age 18) makes you a very active tpye of girl .... Thing is this ... think more with what's in your head rather than what's between your legs. Personally I've had both types in my life ... easy girls and not so easy girls ... the easy ones I got rid of in less than a week or 2 max. The hard to get ones (more difficult to take to bed) showed me that they respect themselves more than the easy ones and i stuck more to them... it's in human psychology ... what is hard to get is more attractive to us ... Sleeping about on the first night of meeting someone is surefire for getting dumped a couple of days later.... If you respect yourself others will respect you .... if you don't .... others won't... simple as that.
...............................
A
male
reader, serenity80 +, writes (25 October 2011):
What you are doing wrong is that you are coming across as someone who wants casual sex, and not someone who is girlfriend material. Have a think about friends in your social circle, or friends at your college/work and try and think of one or two that are in long-term relationships. How are they different from you? Do they dress differently? Do they act differently? I bet they are very different in the way that they come across to how you do. Maybe there are a few things about them that you admire and can try to be more like?You need to remember that if you come across as "easy" then no guy will want to have a proper relationship with you. No guy wants to think his girlfriend is easy, he wants to think she is special.In what way did you appear "special" to any of these guys? I suspect you are lacking in confidence, and you have an unhealthy attitute to want to please men by having sex with them. This needs to change if you want to have a healthy long term relationship with someone. Like worldlywise said, I think you need to cut sex out of your life for a while. If you want to date men, do it, but promise yourself, you won't have sex with them. See how that goes...
...............................
A
female
reader, Koala Bear  +, writes (25 October 2011):
 Reason: Sex waaaaaay too soon. You say you take the time to get to know them before sex. I'm sorry but at your age you can't know 53 boys well enough to sleep with them. Also You can never assume that guys don't talk either, because they do. That's a lot of notches on your belt, my dear. And I'm sure at some of these guys had known about them before or after your hook up. This would be good enough reason for any guy to just want sex.Look bottom line, you have to respect yourself first before anyone else can. There is obviously something you are doing to give these guys the impression you're a one night stand kind of girl. I would suggest you DATE these guys before you have sex. I don't mean hangout, have sex, and then date. What I mean is that the guy should ASK YOU out on a date and you should hangout, date some more, get to know him, he should commit, and then sex. This is the ideal sequence of events. No sex before a date or before commitment. Stick to that and guys can stop mistaking you for being easy.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2011): Are you serious?
You are 21 and have slept with 53 boys - then ask what it is your doing wrong?
You text chat first then have sex then they vanish I assume
Have you ever said NO to sex, ever, because you should start,right now...though your reputation will take some changing.You are probably known as easy and thats how you will be treated.
SO stop having sex with any lads, be celibate for a year, you can do it. Wait until you are actually in a relationship,dating for a few weeks at least before you have any sex.The risk you have put your health in so far is shocking.
Get your self respect back, find other things to do with your time, learn to love yourself. Please do not carry on as you have been.
...............................
A
female
reader, MindAlteration +, writes (25 October 2011):
I know exactly what you are going through. I am also 21 and people tell me all the time its ok for me to mess up and "explore" my surroundings. For the longest time after my ex and i broke up i went through the same stages. I was sleeping with a different guy every night and had no remorse. I felt like there was no other way to connect with someone. But then i started to realize that maybe sleeping with people isnt what was good for me. Maybe what i am doing wrong is just a matter of how my outlook on life was being approached.My best advice babe, is to stop trying to go after guys. Stop trying to "get to know them" because then you are seen as an easy target and no man will respect that. How can you expect someone to respect you if you dont respect yourself. Let them come to you. Dont meet guys at bars, (now that you are legal) dont try to pick up guys in places you feel like are not safe or unreliable. And one last thing, if someone is going to judge you or incriminate you because of how many guys you have slept with, then maybe they shouldnt be in your life anyways. One thing i learned from growing out of the "high school stage" is that people are human, and at this age you are just trying to find out who you are, and what you stand for.hope this helped! keep your head up. you will find someone worth your while.
...............................
|
