A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My husband to be is a very simple minded guy. He hates critics, conflicts,and complaints. He tries to keep the peace by keep his patience( which i appreciate highly) or sometimes avoiding from it.We are going to marry in several months and we are preparing things for our wedding. That means i get to know his family more. Be it his parents good or bad.He seems to love me genuinely. He tried to do things to please me and think for my best. But as i said he hates conflicts and complaints so he seems not happy when we meet. Probably because i vent so much about his parents. Im not hating them. But i just feel suffocated everytime his mom intervenes and give comment about me or us. I feel so powerless and hate this feeling. She gives comment about my prewedding makeup which is too soft for her (i personally choose that natural look which i feel so happy with the result)I just have a fight with him about his mom. I tell him that his mom is too interferring and i hate them all. I hate her because she has no boundaries and i hate him to let this happen. Oh, btw we are living in the same place where we'll live when we married later on which i feel so worried. We are living together because of financial security more or less. My fiance told me to keep patience and wait for him to earn more money so that we can buy our own place and give me the life i wish for. Im happy my fiance can think of me. He is a workaholic and i know why its because of him want to give me the life i want. But at the same time for not known period we must living under the same roof with them. His mom is the major problem. She has no boundaries and thinks that its just common and nothing wrong with. She could give comments without thinking whats the effect and shes stingy. My fiance has told her yesterday to stop interferring our life. Just after she text me telling about my makeup is too soft. I told her its me who choose it and she said its not glamorous enough for a bride. I lose my control and told my fiance that his mom is too interferring. Even my makeup style she feels the need to comment. My fiance later on tell her to stop interferring in our life and she got the clue its about she comment on my makeup. She defended and said "so am i wrong to give my opinion?" And "okay i dont care what happen to both of you now"Firstly i feel guilty and worry for son and mom go through this. I know she might be disappointed her son told her that. But later on i feel some grateful feeling he told her that. She is interferring too much already before this and i just keep my silence. She thinks the world revolves around her and thats a good thing he told her that. My dad know about his mom stingy and interferring personality. I know he doesnt like her too deep inside but he tells me to have patience and avoid conflict with his family especially living with in law. He asks me to shut my eye close for the things that she did wrong. Maybe she will hates me for making her son oppose her. But i need to show her that we need to have our freedom and privacy just before its to late? Am i doing wrong? Or is it the right thing for his son tell her what make me uncomfortable? What advice for brides living in the same place with inlaws?
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female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (5 June 2017):
 You are both acting like 2 dependent children on his parents for financial reasons. I wager accommodation in China is expensive and or difficult to come by so you are economising until there’s enough money to move out on your own?
Meanwhile you both suffer the ill effects of an interfering Mother (-in-law)... But what’s stopping you from working to help your fiancée save money so you both can move out sooner than later!? Or getting a hobby that gets you out of her way, out the house each day?
The longer you stay under her roof the more you will become angry, resentful and frustrated with her, and this will totally affect the happiness of your pending marriage... Unless you come to an agreement regarding boundaries/privacy and you not being so sensitive of her (clown make-up) opinions there will always be a clash between you both.
Learn to address her with respect; after all there is a roof over your head, and add a bit of humour to her out of date ideas rather than act thin skinned over every petty issue she makes. You are a modern woman of today, but giving elders respect never goes out of date.
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (4 June 2017):
 As a parent having been through this situation. Be VERY Quiet during sex. Never yell out during orgasm. Your father-in-law will be very uncomfortable the next day.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2017): I suspect your fiance has suffered for years, putting up with his interferring mother. He works hard, he wants the best for you. No matter what he still feels great loyalty towards his mother.You can get into far more trouble for what you DO CHOOSE to say, than for those things you choose to NOT say. Don't react to her nastiness.Sure his mother is used to ruling everything that happens in HER home.Let her words run off your back the way water runs off a duck's back.Remain all serene on the outside.Yes you know that a more natural makeup looks much nicer.An over-made up face looks too theatrical or even worse.Come what may you will be wearing a more natural makeup look on your wedding day. You know this to be true.Ask you future mother in law to show you how to cook things your fiance likes. Ask this question when your fiance is present to hear the request. Ask your future mother in law for a time and date when she can show you. Write down the recipe and the name of the recipe. Demonstrate that you are willing to learn from her. Thank her profusely for helping you and showing you how.Preferably thank her when your fiance is close enough to hear your gratitude.Speak to her respectfully at all time, alone or in company.Do not take her with you when you go to choose what you will wear to the wedding.Otherwise she may seek to impose on you a dress that is not suitable for you.And at any other time when she irritates you just smile sweetly and serenely and reply, ''thank you. I'll keep that in mind.'' thanking her does not mean you have to slavishly follow her advice.Perhaps her own mother ruined her wedding with even more extreme advice.Ask her very nicely about her wedding. Ask her about the flowers she had at her wedding. Once again when your fiance can hear you. Smile graciously when she shows you or explains things to you.But still follow your heart to ensure that you get are able to choose the things for your wedding to ensure that it is the wedding you want.Some mothers and some mothers in law erroneously think they can live out their fantasies to impose on their daughters and their future daughter's in law the things they wish they had had at their own wedding. Do not be persuaded to have things you definitely do not want.Do not make it into a drama.Paddle as swiftly as a duck below the surface but on the surface of the lake glide effortlessly along as if nothing is distracting you and nothing is bothering you. That way you will get to your destination without any splashing water on the surface and without any turmoil.But you will get there.And your serene face will demonstrate who is really in control in the situation.Make sure you thank her for all her help at the wedding to assist you to make the day so happy. Say this at a point where other wedding guests will hear your thank you. If she then wants to take credit for how good you look then let her.But she will know it was your ideas and your planning that achieved the final good result.Over time you will learn to cope with her interferring. Though every tine you serenely stand your ground the more she will come to realize that bossing you around does not work.And your husband will be so relieved that you do not allow his mother to undermine you. Because you stay serene on the surface and you don't start wars you cannot win.Your next battle will be when a baby arrives. Your future mother in law will try to interfere. Read up on current mother baby practices and how things are now (not as things were 30 years ago) as soon as you are pregnant just to ensure you are ready for her interferrence.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2017): Do not marry him...,.I repeat do not marry him! Why you may ask face it he lives with his mother....after the wedding you will have to live with his mother. When and if you finally get a house just guess who will come to live with you? His mother. And do you know why this is? The apron strings were never ever cut.Your dad's advice is nuts. Look and see all those red flags.Open your eyes.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (3 June 2017):
 I do feel for you. It cannot be easy, having to live with your in-laws, especially when you don't get on with the mother. HOWEVER, it will not be forever and your dad, in my opinion, has already given you the best advice: practice patience and try not to cause conflict.
You cannot control what people say or do, but your strength lies in how YOU react to it. Can you learn to laugh with your fiance about what his mother says to you?
I offered my mother-in-law a cream cake once when she came to our house. She turned up her nose, said "no, thank you" like I was offering her something really nasty. Then she looked me up and down very meaningfully and added "And YOU shouldn't be eating cream cakes either". I had a choice at that point. I could have taken it to heart and got quite nasty with her, or I could laugh it off and just think of it as an older lady being "honest". I chose to take the latter route and we still laugh about the incident years later when anyone complains about their in laws.
Your fiance loves you and is working as hard as he can to provide a home for you. It will not be helping him at all that you constantly complain to him about his parents, especially his mother. Take your dad's advice (he is older and wiser than you) and try to be patient with your future mother-in-law. Try to develop a sense of humour about the things she says, or simply tell her politely "I hear what you are saying, and thank you for telling me what you think, but this is MY wedding and I would like to do it this way." If you do it with a sweet smile on your face (go on - you KNOW you can!), she will have no option but to back off gracefully.
Try to see this from the mother's perspective. She is allowing you to live in her home so you can save money for a home of your own. She has her views. They are different to yours. That does not mean they are wrong, just that they are different.
Show your husband how much you appreciate and love him by biting your lip when his mother tries to interfere and thinking "this too will pass".
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