A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Why do some men think it ok to show obvious attraction and lust for women in porn yet not ever tell their wives or partners once that they are sexy or attractive in any way what so ever ? So they not think a woman will begin to feel hurt that he shows so much sexual interest in other women's beauty yet doesn't even notice hers.I have noticed nearly every man I have been with seems to think he has no need to ever compliment me but shows extreme interest and even compliments these hot porn babes. Yet acts as if I am so wrong for having an emotional need of wanting a partner to obviously find me attractive
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (15 June 2017):
 I wish I could give you advice on this but am not sure where to begin. I don't have that problem, yet I think you need to find yourself sexy and attractive. I think if you have any insecurities it will play on your mind. Off course most women do including myself. But you need to learn to love yourself desire yourself. Also look at how your husband acts with you when being passionate, so he may not be vocal but his looks and touches should tell another story and that's what is important to me, not words but actions.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2017): Thanks honey pie yes that makes sense . I don't need condo stand validation but being told once EVER by my husband that he finds me attractive would be nice , especially ehen he drools over other women and makes it clear he finds them attractive . I also did find this with past partners . Obviously I choose men who do this ,'it just seems incredible to me that ANYone would do this and not realise that a partner would like to be told that look nice once in a while. This is not a need for validation as I know I'm attractive. To me it's a part of feeling turned on and a sexual need. I think you're very right in that I need to give up waiting for this to ever change . It seems the men I choose either do this deliberately or don't have those feelings . Either way you are correct that it's wasted energy trying to work it out .
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (4 June 2017):
 I'm with the owl, I think you have just met the wrong men. If your partner prefers porn to you then get rid of him don't hang on hoping to change him and bellyaching about it. Lots of fish in the sea.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 June 2017):
 I'm very much the opposite here. I don't NEED validation and compliments from MEN, be it my husband or anyone else.
I know my worth and don't need to be told that I look good, did good, am good.
BUT I totally GET that, people like some validation from their partner. I am NOT good at it but I TRY and compliment my husband for things he does well, for remembering the little stuff. RATHER than:" honey, your ass looks great in those shorts". And I for one, LIKE to get the feedback for things I put in effort and work, be it a cooked dinner or whatever.
I think deep down though, needing CONSTANT validation is a sign of personal insecurity and unhappiness. Those people, who "rest" in themselves (basically KNOW their own worth) don't rely on flattery to feel happy and accomplished.
I'm not saying that what you feel is "wrong" but If your experience is that MEN (the ones you have met) don't do this - then either you are meeting men who JUST don't DO it to their partners OR you might not be entirely realistic in your expectations.
Does it mean YOUR worth isn't as high as a pornstar? No. YOU are you, and they are them. Why compare?
If you partner COMPARES you, then you need to SHUT him down. If you just FEEL like he compares then you need to DEAL with that fact that YOU compare yourself.
Also if a MAN you are with is FULLY capable of complimenting women he will NEVER meet on how hot & sexy they are but not the one he is with - then HE is an idiot. Because the porn stars will NEVER give him the time of day, like the partner does - will NEVER give of themselves their feelings and time. And THAT is a guy YOU don't need around in your life. My guess is, SOME guys do it on purpose. To make their partner feel like they ARE competing for HIS attention and affection - WITH FICTIONAL people. Pornstar "characters" are NOT who the person playing the "sexpot" really is in "real life" - it's a ROLE. Like any other ACTOR - they are HIRED to LOOK like they enjoy whatever is done to them or what THEY do to others. It's FAKE. Why BOTHER trying to compete with that?
Being BITTER over SOME men's actions (that you CAN NOT change) it's wasted emotions and wasted time, IMHO.
LOVE who YOU are. Know your WORTH and know your STANDARDS.
If you need a LOT of verbal affirmation, then being with a man who can't/won't give you that... it's not a good match.
SPECULATING why they do it? POINTLESS. You can't change it and it makes YOU feel bad.
WHY waste the time? LIVe life, find things and people you ENJOY.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2017): I compliment my GF on her looks & sexiness all the time. At least once a day.
I also watch porn and masturbate a couple times a week. My girlfriend knows, I just don't put it in her face. That is how she wants it. It is not a problem because it does not come between our real sex life. Its a substitute for when she isn't home or isn't in the mood, nothing more.
Maybe I am wired differently from men with porn problems but it has never been a problem for me.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2017): So it's too much for a woman to expect her partner to tell her she's attractive to him ? Yet it's fine for him to masterbate to every other women and show his deep attraction for them . Wise old owl you say that you will be desired for your level of attractiveness but why can a man not show that?
Why is a mans 'need' for visuals accepted yet a woman's 'need ' to feel desirable ignored
And yes all the research from sex psychologist shows that feeling desired is integral to female arousal
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2017): Edit: "Not is sexist and unfair."
Correction: "Nothing is more sexist and unfair!"
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2017): In men, I assume you can only speak of those you know.
There is this never-ending question from women about men and porn. Porn is fantasy and entertainment. It is a tool for masturbation. It has no more value than that.
No one can make men see you for anything more than what they see you. Porn is not to blame if you have so far only met men who don't value you. Which can also be a matter of the type of men you are attracted to; and the quality of men you have met so far.
There is always some attempt to degrade and categorize men into nothing but sex-predators; because some women have bad taste in men. They meet them in the wrong places, fall for them ahead of knowing them; or hang-on to them when they should let go. Then out of their frustrations and failures; all men are the same, and the cause of their trust-issues.
Not is sexist and unfair.
Sometimes it is a matter of taste and choices. Sometimes finding the proper match takes time. Sometimes in reality, men don't act like the phony Romeo-Prince Charming characters in movies and novels. However; there are loving men of good-character, who don't need porn to satisfy their sexual needs.
Like anything precious, they are rare and hard to find. Just as hard to find as women who are strong, confident, independent, loving, and secure in herself. Who make good choices, and learn from their mistakes. Who know that all humans have flaws, and that you sometimes kiss a few frogs until you find a prince. Who also know that sometimes, you have to be as good as the standards you set for other people.
A really good guy deserves a woman who can reciprocate all that he gives. She has to have her act together, and a woman like that is always rewarded. Because she is deserving. Porn is not the blame for the unhappiness in women. It is the 21st century, and it is a popular form of entertainment.
All men are not hot, and all women are not drop-dead gorgeous. Just because you love her, he looks will be the same. She will not be transformed into a goddess; but love will make you treat her like one. You see only what is there.
Reality is focus and truth; and what you see is what you got. I can have a $5 bill, and a $10 bill. The $10 bill is faded, wrinkled, and has a little tear. The five is crisp and brand new. Fresh off the press! The $10 bill is still worth more!!! It will bring me more in exchange, based on it's true worth. Get it?!!!
Sometimes who you are and what you offer is limited; and life brings to us challenges, obstacles, and opportunities for enlightenment and self-improvement. So if you're smart, you grab it! It's there for your benefit. It is easy to see the flaws and shortcomings in others. We can set very high standards; but it also follows that we should be able to offer the best of ourselves to deserve what kind of partner we want. The worst people needing work, still want the greatest; but are so selfish and blind to their own faults; they can't see why it won't work.
You may never be idolized or lusted for, like some bubble-breasted fake plastic nasty fantasy-creature on a video; but you will be loved for who you are. Desired for your degree of attractiveness, and should expect it from someone worthy of all the best you can offer.
Drop-kick all those losers and fault them for who they are, not all men. Your cynicism will make you overlook the right men. They may not be as obvious, because of their humble nature. They are divinely-protected with good reason. He doesn't deserve a disgruntled and insecure woman; if you view him through those kind of eyes. You'd have to live forever and meet all men in creation to draw conclusions about all of us that are based on fact. Not on a few losers you've known thus far.
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