A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm deeply in love with my long-distance boyfriend of 6 months, but I'm unsure whether I should stay with him. We've been together 6 months and live 200 miles apart, on completely different work schedules. We chat on the phone every couple of days and see each other once a fortnight for a long weekend. He is 46 and I am 27. We fell in love after meeting in a professional situation, and despite all odds being against us we eventually got together. He usually travels to see me, and is incredibly thoughtful and can be wonderfully romantic. He surprises me with weekends away sometimes and treats me like a princess. In some ways, it's my dream relationship. Future-wise, neither of us want kids and we haven't seriously discussed moving to be closer. We've met each other's friends and text all the time, and generally get on excellently. The things that upset me aren't so much the distance - it's worth it when things are good. But he has a tendency to go from super-romantic to very aloof and emotionally distant at times, and it really upsets me. I asked him about it a while ago and he said he has dismissive attachment disorder, which means due to negative childhood experiences he has a tendency to detach when things get heavy/serious/over-emotional and struggles to show affection. He apologised sincerely and seems to make a real effort with it when I tell him it upsets me.I can deal with this to an extent, but what with the distance as well sometimes I can feel so unwanted and needy, even though I know it's reasonable to want affection and love and I don't think I'm too OTT with my demands. I can't believe it but tonight is another night that I'm lying here awake at 1:30am on the other side of the bed to him, trying not to cry because he didn't kiss or hug me goodnight before going to sleep. He'd be so upset if he knew, but the "heavier" things get, the more distant he gets. This is one of three nights we'll spend together for a month. I'm gutted because in many ways he's all I want and need in a man, and I can see myself with him for a long time. He makes me laugh, he's charismatic and clever, and when in the mood very affectionate. We have a wonderful sex life, he is so kind and protective to me yet also gives me total independence which I love. He even actively wants to meet my parents. If things are good in 6 months or a year I'd happily move to be closer to him. Do I throw this all away because of his attachment issues, or stay with him and toughen up emotionally? I'm not up for blindly following my heart into misery these days, but equally I've never felt this sincerely strongly about a partner before. Any input would be greatly appreciated.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (14 June 2017):
 If you want a part time relationship then sure go for it, but you are already showing signs that it is clearly not enough, he is being honest with you and telling you he has attachment issues. He is offering you himself part time, and other times he is their in body but not mind. You need to make up your mind if this is enough for you, because he is not going to change.
A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (4 June 2017):
 From the outside it looks as if you are in love with being in love. You say that in some ways it is your dream relationship. Because it is only part-time he can devote himself to you on your fortnightly meetings. Living with someone is more difficult. It is then the irritations begin to emerge and tolerance is tested.
I think the test must be, would he move nearer to you? Love is when you are prepared to give up almost everything for your partner.
I don't think you should move nearer him. He doesn't show the same attraction. He is there for a fortnightly sexy weekend Dismissive-attachment disorder sounds like a label designed to deceive - but I could be wrong.
So my advice is to ask more of him. Don't give your heart away yet. Make sure of his complete commitment to you. Otherwise, just enjoy your bi-monthly meetings for what they are.
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