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male
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*adbrit
writes:YES IT IS LONG BUT I SO NEED HELP FROM AS MANY AS POSSIBLE. PLEASE PLEASE YOU SMART ONES READ THINK AND HELP ME DO THE RIGHT THINGi was with my gf for three and half years, lived together for a lot of it and we had a baby eight months ago.We had ups and down in relationship constantly - when it was good it was great and we were loved right up, holding hands, doing stuff, telling each other we loved each other a lot etc, but we would keep having hiccups in the road - small things that we should have compromised over and dealt with but instead never resolved the issues and so they kept coming back and worse each time. (normal things like she was not doing stuff around the house AT ALL, and the mess used to pee me off and affect how loving i was and it became a vicious cycle) her family even say that she is hard work and very hard to live with but it affecting me turned to me making her unhappyWell her pregnancy didnt bring us close together and the issues that annoyed me built up and so it was not a happy time for her. That changed when baby was born and i kicked into gear and made things great but the damage was done and her feelings were gone and she was holding resentment for earlier stuff against me without seeing that it was both our faults and taking her own portion of the blameSo we just split up and she moved out to her mums. I started moving on and getting on with things then she said she had to move back in til she found somewhere permanent as it more comfortable at home. I was not happy, but not much i can do about it. It is hard cos i still love her and wanted to get over it and move on if i cant have her and that is hard with her in my face. And before u say it, for many reasons i cannot just move out of the house. That is set in stone and will take too much room to explain but trust me. What shall i do however, this are things that have happened or are happening.1. I made it clear as i was staying at the house long term and worked, i was going to sleep in bed and she would have to sleep elsewhere. Instead she is sleeping in the bed too, because, she says, she needs to sleep next to our son. But he not even in a cot, he is in a moses basket and can very easily be moved to next to sofa or spare room2. It all came to a head and caused the final split cos she kissed someone else, I found out next day I believe and it all kicked off and i believe she is still in contact. To what degree i not sure and what is happening i do not know. 3. She acts like stone to me and is 100% sure, and it is me who busted his balls to fix it and she didnt want to but when a mate of mine saw her in town one night when she was at her mums and asked how she was, she burst into tears saying, "I am just trying to be happy"4. She has an overactive thyroid which can affect moods.5. She has major money worries and leaving me has made them much worse. She is in debt and now trying to get onto benefits (i paid everything when we were a couple) and is getting more and more depressed about it. 6. She only mentioned moving back in when she brought lad round to see me and i was not for first time showing at all i wanted her back. Coincidence maybe though.7. When she asked what i was doing last weekend, when we were living apart i said i was going away, she tried to ask where, but i didnt want to know at that stage so just said, "away" and she got arsey and said, "Have fun!!"* also it went from “may have to move back in” to an hour after that, “I am moving back TOMORROW for our son til I find somewhere”8. Her money problems got worse today as her car (untaxed) got towed away. She cried on the phone about it and i went home and gave her a hug which she was ok with. First physical contact since we split9. Later when i got back from work she was still down so i said some suggestions to sort out her debts and she said it not just money. So i said well you will soon all be better when she has her own place and has moved on, and she said "sure whenever that is, but it not just that" so i said, "well it is not like you are doubting we have done right thing is it" she said, "no, well sometimes when i think about it i am a little but it is ok and it will be ok"10. It has only been a couple days living like this, for how long i dunno, til she finds somewhere else. But she has not reached out in anyway or showing real regret and is busy planning benefits and looking for somewhere to live. But it is polite, friendly and chatty when in same room, like mates, but she is going out to her mums, mates and brothers often in last couple days so not exactly being here loads showing intent.I feel that she has set off on the road, and feels it is right thing to do but is unsure and is carrying on regardless cos she just thinks it is the only solution. Taking the easy way out rather than work as she has no energy anymore for that, but has a lot of other issues and maybe some kind of depression. She is very down and not visibly happy about life but refuses to consider that we can work on things, resolve issues and be happy. (the last few months before the split showed we could be, it was just not working as her feelings were gone)Do i just throw in towel and be polite cos that is who i am while she under my roof. I feel it is thrown away because she cannot see the woods for the trees and cannot see what would really sort it out or that working on things with me would make long term life easier, happier and worth the work.This course of action seems like the right thing to do as it easier than facing up to things, and that these other issues are affecting how she feels.What a mess, what do i do. Give up?Dont say talk to her, cos the more i do, and i have loads with everything possible, the more she digs in her heels and becomes more determined. She only relaxes even a little when i say nothing or appear to be moving on or accepting it although that did kick her back into the house like lightening and an angry reaction
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female
reader, snowbird  +, writes (30 August 2006):
 This is heartbreaking - you are turning yourself inside out for this woman and obsessing about her happiness - whilst she is letting your world crumble around you. Please do not bruise yourself anymore. Let the doctors take over, they are experienced with problems such as hers, and her troubles will pass in time. Move on. Life is too short. Be happy, for your son's sake, he needs you. Let him see happy people around him to make his childhood bright. He has a right to good memories of you, his parents. Do not lose sight of him and his needs, whilst dancing to his mother's tune.
A
male
reader, badbrit +, writes (30 August 2006):
badbrit is verified as being by the original poster of the questionRach, that is fantastic advice, my only fear about moving into the spare room is i could push her away when she MAY be starting to lean back towards me. I may be wrong, but my feeling was to see if slowly, while she is under my roof, let me see if anything can develop slowly and bit by bit her become more comfortable until she is still confused, but having some "want" inside her. Just enough to maybe look at going to councilling and see if it can be fixed.But i hear what you say, it is possible that making it more look like i am moving on, may make her think harder, and realise either way if it is what she wants or not right?
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female
reader, Rachx +, writes (30 August 2006):
You really need to put your feelings in a box and move them to one side right now. She obviously is v confused about what she wants and whether she has made the right decision but all she is doing is confusing you also. You saw how she reacted when you said you was going away for the weekend, she is obviously not sure what she feels or thinks. I would suggest that you try and get on with your life - Yeah so its your bed but if she wont sleep in the spare room you should say ok, this isnt right Im gonna sleep in the spare room - this will shock her. Encourage her to look for somewhere to live and support her in that way. When she moves on she will become clearer on what she wants. Whilst your still 'chasing after her' she is able to play you how she wants to. She needs to stand on her own 2 feet and Im sure you will find that eventually she will turn and say either 'I want you back I want this to work' or 'Im moved on Im happy now' by which time if you can adopt this attitude you will most likely find you have too. With her in your face 24/7 you cant even differentiate between what ou think you want and what you actually feel. x
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2006): Sorry Badbrit, but I have followed most of your posts on here previously i understand your a caring sharing person, but man this is no good...You are wasting your time, as ill as she might be with all this crap.. you deserve better!! she aint gonna get any stronger if you keep bailing her out!! Shes using you as she knows you still love her and her son... kick her ass to the docs and get her some meds sorted and then leave her to fix stuff herself.. it clearly does not matter what you say or do she dont care about you, shes constantly bringing you down and it never ever gets sorted, once every 3 weeks you come onto the site asking what to do... you need to break free from her... your obsessed with her happiness... stuff her man shes makingyour life shite and doesnt do anything to make you feel better... get a grip.. the two of you are not a couple and never will be again... get her to the docs so she can clearly see whats going on and if need be take your son in yourself.. shes a mess and if you aint careful you will end up the same and break your back while you are at it... wake up ... life is for living not re inventing the same situatuion over and over again till it does what you want... its never gonna happen sorry to say your wasting your time and its hurting you the more you do this.. make her face up to stuff as tough as this sounds but shes led you a merry dance all the time, time to get tough and take away her crutch, you cannot do stuff for her for the rest of your days just because you love her... she was like this before the baby, man shes fell out of love with you, but is plainly using you... look out for you son but get her down the docs and make her stand on her own two feet, all the support you have given her is going to waste, she simply does not care.
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male
reader, badbrit +, writes (30 August 2006):
badbrit is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhen we were trying but her feelings were not coming back, i made the excuse for her that maybe it PND but she dismissed it and continues to do so, cos she is not depressed she says, just down about us and it is feelings not depression, she says she functions fine, gets on with things, goes out, can relax and have fun etc. BUT i think there are elements here that are affecting judgement and holding in her feelings for me - a bit of PND maybe, change in responsibilites and being a mother and in charge of a new life, upset over what has happened between us in the past, losing independence through not working and being reliant on me, the fact i can only afford to give her spending money meaning she has sunk further in debt, while we were working on things for three months and life was getting better even if not her feelings - our son became ill and we were in hospital 250 miles from home for a month and we found out he was born with a condition that we dont know how will affect him and will have it for life. I think maybe, that these things affected her and stopped her getting over the anger she has about how we had been before he was born, and she couldnt live for the here and now.Then she felt we were doomed cos she just couldnt get the feelings for me, then she gets interested in someone else and it makes her feel good cos it easier than dealing we me and her and that convinces her more that she needs to move on.Sometimes relationships need work, sometimes it is dead and you need to move on. But i just cant help but regret that we are doing that when there are so many factors that needed attending to that if they had been, they may have helped and fixed things.Rather six months or a year or whatever of work to then get to enjoy the rest of your life materially, with security and stability, with love and happiness, as a family and with our son having best possible stable homelife and upbringing.What do i do though, cos if she is clouded with all these issues and just wants out to breathe and thinks it is right thing to do, she will never want to address what it takes to fix it as her state of mind thinks it is too much work and wouldnt work anyway.
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male
reader, badbrit +, writes (30 August 2006):
badbrit is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you snowbird. I agree in the main with all you have said, and it is unfair and stopping me moving on. I have been wondering if she is back in the house for the reasons you say already, but wondering if also partly because she is still a little unsure about us and that maybe something is still there in her heart. Most people think if she really was stone against us, she wouldnt be back in the house, and i was maybe a little harsh to say she was like stone, she is being ok, but it is pretty stone like about us being together (although, i have not done anything to indicate otherwise either as i felt to look like i was moving on may make her realise what she had, i not sure if it worked, but it got her to cry and move back quick march).In bed last night she rolled near me, and draped her leg over me, so i put my arm around her waist and she did the same back, i know it isnt much, but it is something.I want her back to be honest, but only if all the issues can be resolved, over time, with help so we can go on to have a proper relationship and life together like we always imagined.I wonder if i give it a little longer, see if anything develops, maybe a little bit of relaxing, affection and then say, "look you are finding somewhere else to live, moving on, but there is still something between us and if we pulled off a miracle and fixed it, it would be better for me, make life easier for u, financially and emotionally cos you never know if you gonna find someone else who you even get on this well with, we have no problems in our life as we live together, just a problem with how you feel, and people when getting help can deal with why that happened and sometimes overcome it and it can come back with work, why dont we use this little bit of time to talk to someone, see if we can put aside emotions, look at it with another perspective and see if it can be salvaged. If we cant, there is nothing lost cos you will move on to your new place and new live, same for me, and we will at least have clear consciences.
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female
reader, shania +, writes (30 August 2006):
 As it occured to you that she might be suffering from post natal depression? She has just had a baby,she has been having relationship problems,she suffers from thyroid and has debts up to her eyeballs but i shake hands with you because i know it hasn't been easy for you either.Now 1st off i think your girlfriend should pop down to her doctors and get her health checked out first because if it is depression then it will affect her judgment and her relationship with you...she will get the support.The debts can get sorted if you write to these people and say how much you can pay off each month...these people will know that your partner is on benefits so if she has made an offer they cant refuse her.You sound like you still love her and want to make a go of things so for your childs sake,just be supportive and do the best for your family which i know you are trying to do,but please get her checked out,she needs medical help.
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female
reader, snowbird +, writes (30 August 2006):
You say she has no feelings for you and "is like stone" towards you - yet you are putty in her hands as far as she is concerned.
It seems to me that she is leaning on you really hard, and using your son as a blackmail weapon to get her own way. Her finances are bad, so she moves in with you.
She tells your friend she "is just trying to be happy" BOO-HOO!!!
OK, harsh, I know, she is ill, depressed blah, blah. She can get treatment for that. You are NOT responsible for her happiness!!
I made the decision to leave my husband because I did not have any feelings for him, and could not live with the fact that the only reason for living under the same roof was that he was paying the bills. Sure, I am struggling financially, but it was hypocritical for me to carry on living with him. You make excuses that she is ill, etc. I have friends with serious, life-threatening illnesses who would NEVER use someone in this way..she is acting like a parasite, sucking all your life blood out of you. You have a life to live also, you know. Sorry if I sound harsh, but it is true. Let her go back to mother!
I think you are done with the talking - now is the time for doing, before she gets too comfortable in YOUR bed!! Put a lock on your door, tell her it is your private place, and she must find somewhere else to live. You have the right to live a life of your own, and she is stopping you from moving on. Life is too short. She must move on too. Counselling would be a good start, as you seem to be awfully confused, and so does she. You both need some objective advice from someone who can help you both to see things clearly, and take down the smoke-screens of emotion. Good luck, I know it is difficult, especially as you were once in love, and have a son. But she is just taking, and not giving, and is using your child in the process. She cannot carry on doing this to you both.
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