A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi guys,I'm in such a pickle and I wish I didn't have this to worry over right before Christmas. Me and my partner have been together for six years, happy years and I love him dearly. My partners boss is 14 years older than myself and I first met him 4 years ago. It was this time of year at his Christmas works party. I walked into the room and made eye contact with this man, I still remember the feeling it gave me. Shivers ran down my spine and I got goose pimples. I wanted to look away but I couldn't, I just stared at him and him at me. I then got told he was his boss and we were very polite. All night I felt this huge chemistry between us but I acted normal and tried to shrug it off. Every single time I've met his boss the same intense feeling has been there between us. I can't even explain it, it's like magnets or electricty that feels like it's drawing me into him. I know this sounds utterly ridiculous and I would of been thinking the same thing as I has never felt anything prior to this, but it's just the weirdest feeling. When we've brushed skin my skin has tingled and when we hold a stare to long I feel like things stop for that tiny second. I have NEVER acted on this and I have never planned to act on this. I've always acted as normal as possible and I know that even when we were together, even left alone, it remained in the correct boundaries. Simply my partners boss. We went out last week for the Christmas party and we were both at the bar. I hadn't seen him and he hadnt seen me, when we both turned to see each other and I held his gaze for a little too long. He took hold of my hand and just said ' I feel it to'. That was all. He looked sad and then he walked back to his table. My mind was racing all night, I new exactly what he meant. We have never spoken about this, yet with those four words I new exactly what feeling he was referring to. The next day I received an email from him. The email describes exactly what I have said here to you. How he felt this drawing to me as soon as he saw me and he feels mesmerised by me. This next bit shocked me'He stated he loved his wife and children and would never ever want to hurt them, he said he would never have an affair or meet with a person behind her back as she deserves more than that. He then says he feels so sure and strongly about myself that he is willing to leave his wife to be with me. Before anything starts between us he says he would want my answer and then he will do the hardest thing and walk away. He left the email by saying if that is not what I want to simply delete the email and we will never speak of it. This is my predicament. I have never let myself think about me and him together. He's always been a secret, in my mind. I can't say I love him as I do not know this man well enough and I have not allowed myself to view him in that way. I know that this is wrong and I don't want to be the person responsible for breaking up a family and ruining those children's lives. He has a beautiful family and I just can't do that. The other half of me wants to take to my bed and mourn, mourn this opportunity of being with him, understanding him and figuring this attraction out. I know I will never have a chance like this again and I have never ever experienced this with anyone before. I know I need to respond and acknowledge that I feel it but decline that offer. It breaks my heart thinking about hurting him and saying no, but I know that this is not about me or him. There are other good people involved. I keep typing out my response but I can't bring myself to send it, I feel like I'm denying myself a chance and closing the door on something I really want to open. Please help me see sense.
View related questions:
affair, christmas Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2015): It happened to me. I was at a party and this older man came and told me he was dangerously attracted to me in an instinctual kind of way. he was separated but not divorced with children. I resisted for a while and told him i could not be with a married man. to run away from this attraction I also accepted a job offer abroad. Next ting i know he filed for divorce, followed me and 7 years later we are married with 2 children. A lot of people suffered in the process me included but he never been so happy in his entire life.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2014): I agree with you, so many people would be hurt in the process that an affair is just not an option.
I was watching this documentary the other night called, "the boy who lived before." It's about this kid who believes he is reincarnated and is able to show compelling evidence of it. Apparently, the University of Virginia (which is one of the most competitive universities in the country) has a department dedicated to doing research on the subject.
I tend to stear clear of all things mystical for the mere fact that the illogic is too transparent for my comfort. But after taking up an interest in quantum mechanics, it really opened my mind to possibilities, especially of the spiritual realm, that I'd brushed off as nonsense.
I think what you two are feeling is very real. You two may share a connection that transcends time and space. To understand the connection, you've got to also understand life.
It sucks that little value is placed on and not much information is out there to explain things that are intangible but feel just just as real as something that we can touch and see. The world is full of things we cannot see but that exist and are just as real as we are. Like an atom. Humans can't see an atom. But it doesn't mean it's not all around us. Humans use only a small fraction of their brain, leaving so much knowledge to the occult and out of our realm of insight.
Certainly there is an explanation for the connection you and him can feel. And clearly you know the answer is not one that should be sought by acting impulsively as he suggests. That's ridiculous.
I want you to watch this movie, "what the bleep do we know." You are not going to find the answer you seek but it will give you a glimpse into how mysterious the universe is. And that anything is possible.
I do, however, think it would be good for you to get off your chest what you feel. And you can do that in your reply to this man. Express these feelings you have for him, maybe he has some answers to this mystery. By the same token, let him know your stance on his suggestion that you two run off together. It's not something you would consider. Hopefully you two can discuss this connection with the best of intentions for yourselves and those around you whom you love.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2014): Of course he said that, he'll say he will leave his wife to all his pieces on the side and have them strung up nicely
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (19 December 2014):
 Whatever you do, DO NOT DELETE THE E-MAIL!!!! Print it out first and keep it in your diary or somewhere secret, it'll make for a great story later on in life. Or black-mail, if you should ever need it. I got an e-mail of similar nature once, oozing with sexual lust and that touch of "forbidden". I printed it out, and I still occasionally read it out loud to the amusement of my friends. I leave out the name of the author, but the e-mail is really something piquant, and SO worth keeping. I was extremely embarrassed when I first received it, and wanted to delete it and pretend I never got it, but I am truly glad I didn't, lol. Because it's one of the most hilarious and "dirty" stories I have to tell to this age.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (19 December 2014):
 I see nothing in your post about your BF, really he seems like an afterthought to you. Obviously you haven't let him in on your little fantasy crush and what's really going on. Which mean, he isn't your priority.
YOU are actually considering to do this. My guess because it sounds like movie-plot, where NO one really gets hurt and you will have your happy ending with this "exciting" man.
Try and think a LITTLE ahead for a few minutes.
1. Your BF. Are you willing to break his heart, stomp all over it to fulfill a fantasy? If so, why not just break up, why DROP him for his boss?
2. Like SEVERAL aunties/uncles have pointed out, YOU don't know this man. AT ALL. ALL you know is there is LUST and insane chemistry between you. Now in NORMAL circumstances (where you are BOTH single and FREE to do as you please) that CAN be a good start, but it can also be a flashbang in a pot. Hot for a short while, then when you both come of the initial lust (and be realistic, you will) it will be a WTF did I just do? moment.
3. HE IS married WITH kids. That doesn't make him a decent or good man/husband/father. Many an asshat have been or was/is married with kids. LEAVING his wife for YOU, doesn't mean he will leave his family or his obligations to them, SO they WILL always be part of his life. LEAVING his wife FOR you, doesn't mean he intend to divorce her. Being separated doesn't make him SINGLE.
4. YOU have no idea if this would actually work. HAPPILY ever after isn't reality. MARRIAGE and relationships takes work, CONSTANT work. If you DO jump in with both feet, how long do you think you can "make" a go of it on pure lust/chemistry alone? How long til you realize he has a wandering eye? And HOW... most of all, will you two be able to trust each other? I mean you are willing to toss the BF out with the bathwater, and HIM the same with his WIFE and KIDS...
What do you really think will happen if you DO go for it?
And what do you think will happen if you don't?
I think, if nothing else that you need to look at your relationship with your BF. SOMETHING is lacking, if it's THAT easy for a man to entice you into jumping off the deep end.
I have said this before, and I will say it again. BEING with a MARRIED man is RARELY a good idea. SEPARATED is NOT SINGLE - a SEPARATED person is STILL (in the eyes of the law and morally) MARRIED.
Getting into a relationship with a person who is about to leave a partner is RARELY a good idea. MOST people SHOULD take the time to "get over", "work through" an end to a relationship/marriage before jumping into a new one.
Ultimately this IS your decision. And it IS your life.
All we can say is, STOP and think. Try a dose of common sense, see where it takes you.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (19 December 2014):
 The only thing I can think of is Mr Spock's very wise words:
"After a time, you may find that having is not so pleasing a thing after all as wanting. It is not logical, but it is often true. "
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2014): Mid-life crisis. Period. My darling cousin is going through it right now, the same way, step by step, what yu described about your bf's boss.I hate stereotypes, but it is what it is.ANd in the process do you know who gets hurt (a part frm your bf, obviously)? - you. They live out their fantasies (some wives even let them blow off some steam) and than they wake up. By the tim ethey do, your life's turned upside down.I'm not saying you should stay with your bf if you think you're unhappy with him. But the fantasy this other man's created is dangerous for you. You are not real for him.If I were you, I'd think seriously about what I feel for my bf, my attitudes in general and take responsibility. SOmetimes we can be unaware that there's something wrong with th erelationship we're in and the first sign could be noticing someone else.
...............................
A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (19 December 2014):
 I would not be flattered by this email. I would be worried even frightened, who writes things like that to basically a stranger? the man is living in some kind of a fantasy. I agree that hes going through a mid life crisis but he is just weird. If I were you I would pretend you never got the email. Delete and stay WAY from him. He is not all there.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (19 December 2014):
If he leaves his wife, then HE is the one who broke the marriage. Not you. So while this isnt a politically correct answer... I say go for it. You only live once. But first think hard about whether you want him or not, think about the opportunity for real, because you hace entertained the thougt before. You would have to have a relationship with his kids too eventually, and the ex-wife lurking in the background. If you think you can handle all this... Then go for it. You only live once, dont avoid doing the things you want to and later you will just be regretful...
...............................
A
female
reader, Sensible Alice  +, writes (19 December 2014):
 There's no denying that the pair of you are attracted to each other and that there's chemistry. For years this has stayed within bounds and neither of you have acted on it. But suddenly he's overstepped the mark by sending that email. Could it be that there's a problem in his marriage? Sometimes when there are marital problems we search for a way out and it's possible he's using the idea of being with you as his motivation to leave.You admit that your relationship is a happy one but sometimes even in the best and most loyal relationships we are faced by temptation. Your desire to explore this attraction is only natural. But it has to be weighed against the risks, many of which you've already outlined. Will you risk the love and security of your current partner to be with this other man - a stranger who has not shown himself worthy of your love or loyalty, a man who is asking you to give up happiness for a fling that could 'maybe' turn into something else? I understand your dilemma about losing the chance to be with him, but you need to be careful not to romanticise the situation. It's easy to dream of what it would be like to be with someone else, but reality is often not as we imagine. If you want to let him down easier perhaps explain that you're not free to explore this attraction but you'll forever cherish his offer to leave his family for you. Sending the email doesn't mean he's gone from this world, only from yours. If he still wants to leave his wife then he's free to do that but the guilt won't be yours. If you continue to find it difficult getting him out of your head and heart perhaps try to find out the type of man he is through those who know him. He might not be who you think him to be. If you choose to leave your partner, do it having had time to soul-search and get all the facts. Not being put on the spot like you are now.
...............................
A
female
reader, ImmortalPrincess +, writes (19 December 2014):
 You said yourself, the two of you don't even know each other - so what would happen if he left his wife and children for you, and then it turns out that the two of you ar4 completely incompatible. The fantasy is gone, and reality has set in, and a family has been completely destroyed, for nothing.
Walk away and don't ever look back.
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (19 December 2014):
 Many guys his age are having mid life crisis. Last time I read a post written by a guy like this and how he's ready to leave his wife and family too for a strikingly beautiful young girl. It's more of a fantasy. You may want to interpret your eye contact and chemistry as a sign that you are soulmates but I can tell you, married men who are bored and needing passion have their antennas searching long and far for anyone, anything that can help them feel alive again. Don't feel sad about declining an offer. He has to work hard to reignite passion for his wife, and not distract himself with the greener side and lining up a hot prospect. Think of his wife, a devoted wife and mother of many years, saying, "we've been together x years, gave you children, and this is how you repay me, by replacing me with a younger woman who you barely know?"
You barely mentioned your boyfriend here. If you are willing to leave your boyfriend over a vague promise, can you say you really love him? On the other hand his boss reminds you that your relationship is also lacking in passion and it may be a time to woo each other again or spice up your sex life.
...............................
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (19 December 2014):
 This is a sadly danger sign in my book. I eworry that you are being lured into a phsyco-____ trap and I want you to stop and evaluate this strange relationship with someone you trust like a parent or pastor. I'm sad that you are being taken on this journey because it sounds like the same old story that you read about in the crime journals. Please be careful you may be at risk here. Best wishes and let us all know how this evolves.
...............................
|
