A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I are in our early fifties and been together for almost four years. Our relationship is mostly see each other on weekends.We had an erratic relationship most of the first three years, and had broken up last year on new year's eve for two months. In February he went on a paid dating site, as he knew I wouldn't go on it, and I found out last week he is still active on it. It could be because he got a 6 month membership, as he is generally very frugal. Since our last breakup he has been very respectful, took care of the issues we had before, but now this. I have had some trust issues with him, not that he has cheated, but likes to keep in contact with all his exes, even if he dated them twice, they are still on his facebook. He says he will never marry again, fine with me. I think he is insecure, and he also knows that if he screws up, I will walk. But I would like to know what you think,
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (13 June 2014):
 I just hope you give him enough rope that he ends up hanging himself ( metaphorically speaking of course ! ) , I mean, if in two more or four more months it comes out he is STILL on the site STILL trolling and checking... ( I'd bet on this ! ) perhaps then you'll see the light and find the guts of giving him his walking papers.
Your update explains a lot, when we are hit, like you say, in areas like job, money , social prestige... it may happen that our confidence takes a nosedive and our sense of inadequacy spills to our love life. I think you felt like you had absolitely nothing to offer to a decent man, so you just had to make do and take the leftovers , so to speak. Otherwise I don't think that, at OUR age, you'd have gone for an erratic, on and off relationship with a middle aged lothario with a roving eye. Something like " beggars can't be choosers " .
Of course, that's silly. Money, success, power haven't much to do with who you are as a person, with your beauty, , sensuality, warmth, kindness, intelligence and all the dozens of personal qualities that you may have , but I understand how difficult it is to remember that in certain circumstances.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much, Aunts! You are all right. But can you imagine the difficulty of meeting someone you are compatible with in SO many ways, at our age. In the background, I have gone from a really successful woman to the food bank. He has been there for me during my downfall, poverty, depression and life struggles. I was hit like Job. There is always more than the surface. I believe he wants someone like me that is financially stable. Ahhh.
As well, maybe I am in denial, he went on it when I totally broke up with him. He did it two months in. It will be interesting to find out how active he is.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (12 June 2014):
 Walk away. He's still using the dating service? He's looking for other women. I think he has some idea that he's a playboy type and feels entitled to the attentions of women who are NOT his girlfriend of 4 years.
You're young, early fifties is the new thirties, after all. (Or so I fervently hope as I'm in your age bracket as well.)
Don't stick around for more from him; there are men out there who are honorable, trustworthy and honest. Go find one!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (12 June 2014):
That you should walk then, because he did screw up.
What's a guy in a committed relationship doing , active on a dating site ?! Dating sites are for meeting someone to date and mate , he is already dating and already mating, so something's gotta give.
I like your justification about his being frugal : oh so, to not " waste " the money he already spent , ... then he MUST chat up women on Internet , and try to arrange dates, etc. ?
Because I don't think he's on dating site just out of an idle curiosity or for killing time . You know, as a sort of a hobby, or to figure out " what women want ". In this case he would not have kept it from you , as I don't think he keeps from you what TV series he watches, or which sports he practices etc... his " innocent " hobbies.
It sounds to me like he is still looking - maybe not too hopeful, too sanguine about it, yet still looking. I guess he realizes that after 50 the pickings are slimmer than one could wish ( no disrespect meant , I am in your s age range too :)- so ...
" a " woman ( you ) is better than no woman at all... even if said woman is not " the " woman. But, apparently he hopes to chance into some dating site serendipity...
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A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (10 June 2014):
 I think what’s he got to lose? If he knows you’ll walk if and when he screws up again, he’s playing his cards accordingly.
I don’t particularly relate to; keeping in contact with all his Ex’s even after 2 dates… This is like keeping them as an option in the background if nothing strong eventuates with you in the present. His focus is elsewhere and not totally concentrated on you, even though he’s presented himself as being very respectful now days.
For me I’d like my mans undivided attention, none of this pretend friendship with former dates on Facebook etc. he’s either with me or not!
Being active even after you returned would make me suspicious and insecure about the relationship… This certainly remains an erratic relationship between you and him.
Take Care – CAA
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