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female
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anonymous
writes: My age is 28 years old. I have a partner; we have been living together for a few years. However we have relationship problems and family tensions; and we have given ourselves a one year deadline to sort out our problem. This has been discussed by a one off counselor advice. However it happened I felt attracted to someone else while being on a group tour. We felt attracted to each other although there was no direct mention about it to each other. All happened very quick within three days in a public location. It was very inconvenient for us to talk about it and we both thought it was a crush. I mean at least that is what I have understood by what he said on the last day we were altogether ( all friends together ready to leave). Now at this point, we were all chatting and exchanging contact numbers when he was only the one who stood away from the group before he walked towards me. He asked me whether I have exchanged contact numbers with his friend and he also said " just to let you know that your partner is a very nice guy...twice. What I understood at that moment was that he thought we both had an infatuation and I should stay with my partner. However I keep thinking about him until now and he also tried to get in touch after two months- he texted a general greetings to my partner's contact number. My partner replied with a general greeting; this happened for a few weeks then he stopped. However I still look at his profile and I think he also does on that social media. Anyway my question is should I forget him? My fear is not to able to resolve my issues with my partner and also not being able to meet someone like him if in case things go wrong with my partner. Yes I do feel insecure about things at the moment, but I just want to know if it is worth to talk to him. Is it too late? He was single by the way.
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female
reader, llifton  +, writes (11 June 2014):
 While I am pretty much always one to advocate back up plans for most situations in life, back up plans for relationships is never one that's a good idea nor is it fair.
When you are in a committed relationship, you are committing to only that one person. That means that for as long as you two are together, they are the only person in your life in that capacity. The moment you introduce another person into the mix, even if you don't fully interact and engage with them, is the moment you're throwing your relationship away.
Being committed requires full commitment. Sounds like a no brainer but it's true. And if you have a back up plan guy sitting on the back burner, it makes you try less hard in your current relationship. Why? Because you have someone else if your current relationship fails. So why try? And also, because it's just plain hurtful. If my partner had a backup plan arrangent for if we broke up, I'd tell her to go ahead and be with them, as I don't want to share. And nor should I have to. The partner I'm looking for would never make me share. They would be fully committed to me and only me.
You have two honest choices here to make: stay with your boyfriend and try to work it out and do not contact this other guy anymore, or break up with your boyfriend and potentially see where things could go with this new guy. But having the best of both worlds is not the answer nor is it fair.
Good luck.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2014): I agree with WiseOwlE. I have worked with a couple of men that had a girlfriend, but kept another woman at arm's length, just in case the first one fell through. I think of those men as inconsiderate cowards.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2014): If were the guy with whom you're currently shacking up and I discovered that you were considering cultivating a mutual acquaintance as a potential Plan B in anticipation of a possible break-up then I would put a swift and immediate end to your dilemma by dumping you on the spot.
At the very least your live-in boyfriend deserves the courtesy of knowing your true feelings so he can also start window-shopping for a potential replacement, if he hasn't already.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2014): You have to make-up your mind whether you want to save the relationship you're in; or if you want to start dating other people.
You have to end your present relationship, if you are considering being in-contact with someone else for romantic reasons. That is technically cheating. Cheating is doing things behind your romantic partner's back; be it just talking, or actually having sex. Inevitably, one will lead to the other.
My point here is; you are doing it in secret. You already have problems; and the guy you're interested in knows your mate. That makes it all the more complicated.
You don't put someone on-hold, or keep him on the back-burner; "just in-case" your present relationship doesn't work out. What's to stop you from sabotaging the relationship just to get out of it?
Through self-fulfilling prophecy, you'll create conditions that will end it for the sake of getting to the other guy.
Just end it. Be honest if you want out.
If you think you have other options; what's the point of trying to make your current relationship work?
Don't do what the counselor says; unless you really want to, and you're committed to it. Going through the motions just because you were told to, doesn't make any sense. You are betraying your partner's trust; who may as well be looking for someone else himself.
If you want to talk to him, right now it's not just innocent chat. You want to get to know him, and form a connection. It would be better if you were single.
You are attracted to him. You say it's only a crush; and you hardly know that other guy. You had a brief encounter and messaged a few times. Things are really up in the air. He could lose interest and nothing may ever really come of it. Attraction that comes in a flash, can leave in a flash.
Could it be you just want out of your relationship badly; and just want to date other men?
I think you need to face the truth. You have given up on your old relationship, and you're ready to move on.
To make matters worse; you want to start something with someone who knows your partner. That has built-in drama that is going to make it self-destructive; before it even gets off the ground.
So I guess you've reached the deadline early. You're all done with your boyfriend; you may as well label him your "ex."
How about making a decision on what to do with what you already have; before wondering what you should do about "what might be?"
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