A
male
age
41-50,
*T82
writes:I am 32, and my wife's 29, and have a 5-year-old son. Last night she admitted to me she's leaving me for her co-worker, he's 42, and has three children, aged 12, 14 and 16, he's married but left his wife for her.I feel crushed, heartbroken, my wife really was a lovely woman until now, I thought I knew her - how could she do this to me?? I really, really love/d her and we were a great couple. I have to be strong for my son, he's a good kid.Painful as it is, I'm going to have to divorce her, I don't think I can reconcile with her.Isn't this just a case of "the grass is greener on the other side"?What's going to be the reality of them getting together - bills, dirty washing, laundry, mortgage/rent etc. and is this quote i read on here true:"Do you really want to deal with all the crap that this future would entail? Two Ex's who will hate you, two blended families (two sets of kids who will hate you and each other), four sets of grandparents (who will, well, you get the picture...), two mother-in-laws (one Ex), OUCH. If you want to go in that direction, you need to take off the rose-coloured glasses and take a good hard think about everything that this would entail, twice the amount of sacrifice and hard work to try and make a go of it, with no more guarantee of your future happiness than you have now!"I don't know if that's true or not, but my emotional health feels weak, even though I'm physically OK.Some men would probably try to take a swing at the guy their wife was having an affair with, not me, I'm bigger than that, I'm more sensible.What can I do to deal with this, and my upcoming divorce, and be a good father to my son?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (11 June 2014):
 I'm sorry this is happening to you and your family.
I think your question is an excellent one and as a divorced mother (when my sons were 3 and 5) I can tell you that they boys always had a great relationship with their dad and myself and my parents etc.
The best thing to do is be adult. NEVER badmouth his mother or her new partner. In fact, you go out of your way to say nice things about mom to the child and anyone who may say something to your son about it. you can seethe and rant about her in private with friends you trust but in public and to her you must be adult and mature.
The best thing you can do for your son is to co-parent as effectively as possible. You and his mother are no longer together as a couple but as parents you must be together.
I think that kids who are raised by parents who are apart and see the adults working hard to get along for the child do much better.
A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (11 June 2014):
 If this statement is true “I'm bigger than that, I'm more sensible.”Then the very first thing you must make up your mind to do is…DO NOT HATE!!! No matter what…leave hate out of it. Why? It is the easiest, most destructive thing you can do to yourself and your son.Let your son see you as a loving father, even after what his mother has done to you. Do not call her bad names, or refer to her as anything other than his mother. Your son needs to see you strong, helpful, loving, caring, and a man he could mold his own life after. If your own son had to go through this in his life, he would be ready, because he saw how mature and “sensible” his father handled his problem.Even If your soon to be ex-wife starts bad mouthing you to her son, you remain calm, and loving towards her. Your son will grow up seeing her hatred for you, and bond closer to you instead. Once hate takes hold in you, disputes will tear your life apart, and will spill over to your son’s life. Do not give hate a chance.Hate leads to resentment, the ability to not trust other women, quick and violent tempers, depression, to name a few. Plus, if your ex sees you as a loving, caring, sensible man she left, it will eat at her for years. Why? If you hated her, yelled at her, were angry when you saw her, she can block that out with her own hate for you. But when you show love instead of hate, that will be something no one expects. No matter what she did, she is still the mother of your son, and you should show her that much respect. Without her you would not have the honor of showing your son how awesome his father can be.
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