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female
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*oe
writes: 2nd/aug/2005. I'm confused about my lover's feelings. He told me he loves me, but blanks my phone calls and texts every time we get too close.We have been seeing each other for 4 years but still don't know where I stand and I can't get any straight answers from him. I feel he is afraid of being hurt and of commitment. What should I do?
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reader, schlottjl  +, writes (3 August 2005):
 Depends on your age I think. If you are in your early twenties or younger, don't let him not giving you straight answers ruin things. Men don't speak like women. To them, answering "yes" to the question, " What do you want for dinner?" is a straight answer.
If you are twenty five-ish to thirty, plan a nice evening and tell him you do not want to pressure him but that as a woman, you date people to see if they are worth more of a commitment. Discuss what his intentions are and if he can't even say what he feels, then he is a sex partner and not worth saving yourself for in any way. Tell him in that case, that you thought that the relationship was stalling and needed to realize that it was not serious nor worth your extreme efforts. Thank him sweetly and make light. Then as if in after thought and not in any mean way, say that his reluctance changes every thing and does he want to know if you have any other dates. He can't expect to keep you forever to himself if he is not going to sign the deal, right? That will show you are serious and anything that you want to do after that is not cheating and he had his choice but decided to keep it causal.
Then if he calls you and asks you out, go if you think he is worth it. Just begin to pull away a little at a time so as to ease yourself out and remember that your are judging his performance not he yours. Women do themselves major harm by not realizing that they (not he) are the prize. It is not what he feels as much as what you feel. You, by nature of your body structure, are the "keeper of the gate" so to speak. Decide wisely who shall pass!
Just cause they want in doesn't make them worthy. And once they are in, give them a free pass for a little while, not for as long as they wish. Value is realized in things in short supply as much as in great demand. Just remember that there is a price for setting up house.
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female
reader, Peasle  +, writes (3 August 2005):
Well - it depends how you feel about him. Sounds like you want a firmer commitment, some acknowledgement that your relationship means something and is going somewhere. I'll bet you've got to the stage where you're having to tip toe around him, scared to bring the issue up in case he blanks you.
Getting a man to talk when he doesn't want to is an impossible task. Blanking someone is hurtful - maybe it's the only way he can cope with it - but I imagine the effect on you is devastating.
Let's imagine he does have a problem with commitment and being hurt. It's been 4 years and he still hasn't opened up to you about it. Are you willing to have a relationship that has 'no go' areas? Like getting 'too close'? Do you want to spend your time patiently and sweetly waiting for that 'eureka' moment when he finally opens up?
Reassure him you love him and don't want to hurt him, but that his blanking you is hurtful and confusing - and that you can't tolerate it any longer. That you need to know what his problem is.
If he can't or won't - then you have to decide whether you're OK with the situation and will let it carry on. Or whether you want to move on and get the whole package from someone else.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, kim21 +, writes (2 August 2005):
he needs reassurance tell him you love him kissing and cuddles can make all the difference make sure he understands your needs as well though you dont want to be hanging about waiting for him to say when it is ok to commit or not a bit more reassurance could solve the problem if not ask him where you stand.
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