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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: please help.Ihave been with my boyfriend for five years and we have never had sex.resently he stopped calling and texting me and i when i asked him,he said if he doesn't get it from me,where do i expect him to get it from? however when i told him that i will have sex with me on valentines day,he seemed not to want to wait and has not told me anything but he definately wants m to say its over,please tell me the hard truth,was i mean to make him wait for five years?was it love that kept him with me or he was simply waiting for something he had not yet had? could i possibly bring him back by letting him have sex with me now?or will it end up hurting me? i still love him,how do i even begin to imagine life without him?God, i need your guidance
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male
reader, Deathbunny  +, writes (8 February 2012):
Here's the problem...Males--unless they are highly socialized not to (usually by religion) or are asexual themselves or gay and not okay with being gay--tend to associate "dating" or "romance" with physical sex acts. The assumption being that either it's going to happen or the relationship will end.Most males are understanding enough to go along with a female until she's either comfortable or shows that she's not relationship material for him. The length of time he's willing to wait is usually inversely proportionate to how good of a partner he thinks she will be both sexually and emotionally.That understanding and patience typically comes from love.That said, you--for your own valid reasons--decided not to engage in sexual relations (yet). That is entirely your prerogative. You should not be made to feel compelled to have sex or else. So the answer to whether or not you should offer sex now really depends on whether your feelings have changed so that's also what you want. I think the idea of setting a date to have sex is probably being interpreted as a lack of interest on your part by him because it's not a priority. That and a lack of sexual activity when--and I'm assuming he's about your age--almost all of his friends aren't waiting, he's probably considering leaving for college or the military or employment and he's trying to figure out if he's waiting for waiting's sake or if you're really not interested in him sexually...So, my advice is this: Unless you have seriously changed the reason you haven't had sex with him and you REALLY want to have sex with him now, don't have sex with him. THAT you and he would probably regret.Instead, consider whether you're really interested in having him as a close, personal friend or as a boyfriend (with romantic and sexual implications). If you're just not that into him sexually, let him go. Otherwise, I suggest sitting down together and talking out what--if any--sexual interest you have in him.Good luck though.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2012): I'm not sure what is going on- you need to give more information about your relationship, how old you were when you got together, why you didn't want sex and so on. Is it for religious reasons, are you not attracted to him, are you scared etc.
Right now I would say, no, under no circumstances have sex with him. It would be under pressure now, and not because you want to do it. You will feel terrible and it will be a lousy experience whatever the outcome, but even worse if he ends up leaving you anyway which he may. No on should coerce you into having sex by threatening to leave you especially after a 5 year long intimate relationship.
I think you need to have a long talk with him and then maybe just end the relationship depending on what you two feel.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2012): hallo,thanks everyone for posting your answers.i think i now know that despite the fact that i love him, i could never use sex to keep him.Its just that we started to date when i was young and have past through a lot together.am honnestly thinking that it was mean to keep him waiting for five years because he usually kept on asking me questions like,how old will you be this year? and when i asked why he has changed,he frankly told me that men cheat because they dont get sexual satisfaction from their women.but anyway,am not blaming him because its only human to want to sex the girl you love,however, I am not loved by him anymore,i can tell.if he still loved me,then he would agree to wait one more week but may be there is more than one girl in his life so he doesnot know how to keep up.or he has gotten the sex from someone else,he has all the am busy signs now,not returning calls ,not returning texts that all show he has no interest.i was just scared for my education and future given the fact that am not experienced at all,(virgin)that i would mess it up with pregnancy and the trouble that comes after.people change,its part of life and i will let him go
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female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (8 February 2012):
 I'll answer each question of yours at a time.
"Was I mean to make him wait for five years?" NO. Sex is your choice, *your* decision and whether you want to have it or not, is entirely up to *you*. You don't owe this guy anything,you are not obligated to have sex with him unless YOU want to. Not wanting to have sex does not make you "mean". Its a matter of personal preference. You haven't mentioned your country of origin, but while many cultures are more sexually liberated, there are other cultures where it is understood that sex is to be saved for the person you get married you. There's no good or bad here, to each his own, and no decision makes a person "mean" or generous.
"Was it love that kept him with me or he was simply waiting for something he had not yet had?" It could be both. There must have been affection and intimacy in the relationship, to keep it alive for 5 years. Not that sex is ever a cementing factor in a relationship, if it were, why would marriages have broken and why would FWB's be such a disaster?
"Could i possibly bring him back by letting him have sex with me now?" NO NO NO!! That is the worst possible reason to try and "bring" someone back. You will regret this decision forever, because you will lose respect for yourself if you use your body to get him back. What kind of a relationship would that be then? Would you use sex every time he threatened to leave you? And what when the sex got boring? What would you do then?
"Or will it end up hurting me?" Yes, it will. Conditional sex will always hurt you. Being coerced into something, against your will, just to keep him with you is a very bad idea.
If you still love him, then you have to realize that sometimes its better to let go and let the other person find happiness elsewhere. If sex is what he wants and sex is what he's leaving you for, then that's his decision. If the tables were turned and he was unable to have sex because of a medical condition, would YOU leave him? No, right?
While many cultures accept sex to be a natural part of a relationship, it does not necessarily have to be that way. Ultimately it all boils down to you. You make your own rules and do what you want. If you are not comfortable having sex, then dont. Period. And please dont give in to this Valentine's Day thing, that seems more like a compromise than anything else.
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A
female
reader, Lexie88  +, writes (7 February 2012):
 You're allowed to feel how ever you want about sex. If you don't want to have it, then don't. I agree with the others that after 5 years in a relationship, you'd at least want to have sex with him...if not now, maybe sometime in the future. Have you ever discussed this? What was your understanding when you'd be ready versus his? Has he asked you to have sex with him in the past?
I also agree with chigirl and it does look like there's other issues going on, and the sex is the only thing he's brought up. If he's been with you for 5 years without sex, why is it suddenly so important?
I don't think you should have sex with him just to make him stay with you. If there are other issues in the relationship, sex won't make him stay (not for long at least).
I think you need to have a good and honest talk with him. Does he see a future with you? Is there another problem. Whatever you do, if you're not ready to have sex (and it doesn't look like you are, and that's ok) don't do it. Chances are, if he's wanting out of the relationship, sex will not make a difference. It will only make you feel crappy.
So have a talk with him before you do anything else.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (7 February 2012):
 I have a hard time imagining being in a romantic relationship with someone and NOT want to be physical with them beyond holding hands. Anyway, the OP need to explain why she hasn't had sex yet. Why was she ready for Valentines day and not sooner? It's not going to save the relationship, but it is odd. I don't think the OP is ready for sex at all then... at least not with this guy. With the right guy it'll be something she'll want as well.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (7 February 2012):
I think the relationship might be over for other reasons, and the sex is just one of the things he's brought up. If you've discussed the topic of sex before though, and you agreed to have sex yet you've made him wait... Then yeah, that was mean. When you are an adult most will expect to have sex in the relationship, or at least know when it will happen, such as sex after marriage or sex after 3 months of dating etc. There needs to be at least a time line for how long to wait. If you weren't comfortable having sex with him after 5 years then when will you be? Probably never at all... which is what he's thinking.
This comes down to you and him not getting what you want or need from a relationship, the issue of sex just being one of many. He probably did wait for 5 years because he loved you and wanted to be with you... and I definitely do not think all he wants is sex. But then again for how long have you been legal to have sex? If you just turned 18 and are in a country/state where the law is you must be 18 to have sex, then it is understandable that you have waited. If you on the other hand have been legal to have sex for 1-3 years already then I wonder why you're not ready for it. Something must be missing in the relationship, otherwise why aren't you ready to have sex?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2012): You must have been very young when you got together. Its no wonder you waited - at first -
but 5 years IS a long time to wait for sex in a loving relationship
However you must have had reasons why YOU did not want sex so do not use sex to keep him if it isn't what YOU want. Sex is an act of love between two people, not a weapon to blackmail a girl OR to be used to keep your man with you
If you decided you didn't want sex this last 5 years then thats your choice and you made it for a reason. Your boyfriend DOES want sex, thats his choice.
Only have sex when your ready and if you don't want it with him then wait till you meet a man you DO want to get physical with. Your still young and have plenty of time to meet more but be single a while, live a little, get to know yourself
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2012): He's already said his answer. I'm sorry, but he was getting sex from someone else. Move on, he may have stayed with you for 5 years, but he's obviously with another woman now, or is at least interested in another. You'll find much better men.
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