A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 5 years. Throughout the relationship I have caught him engaging in online flirtation. He signs up for dating sites to chat with women, and he uses Facebook to chat with multiple women (sometimes the conversations are platonic, other times they're inappropriate, not extremely, but enough to suggest that he's definitely interested). In the first year and a half of our relationship, he was basically dating me and other women without my knowledge (however, there is no evidence to suggest that he engaged sexually with others). After that, he committed to me more exclusively (to my knowledge he has not cheated sexually or even hung out with other women in the last 3 years), but he has continued to seek attention from women online. We have fought about it, and he gets mad at me for snooping. I remind him that I snoop because I find bad things so frequently. We have broken up over it multiple times. I asked him why he so desperately needs attention from other women, and he said something about just being used to getting a lot of attention from women because he was raised by women (his mom, sister, grandma, and aunts). Obviously that's a stupid excuse, but I truly don't understand it. Can someone please explain to me why he needs so much attention from other women? And should I care? I mean, I obviously do care, I feel hurt by it, and I feel like it's cheating - but would you feel the same way? (Side note: I feel like some of you will suggest that because he is flirting online, he is also cheating physically. I can't prove that he's not, but I just have never felt like he has. I've done enough snooping that I think I would know by now. Plus he really doesn't have a very high sex drive.)
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (15 June 2017):
 My guess is that he is keeping his options open and waiting for someone better to come along. Honestly I would not put up with this, it would make me feel insecure and not enough. I cannot tell you what to do, but personally if it was me I would be out off their I need trust in a relationship or else it is simply not worth it.
A
male
reader, rasblak  +, writes (7 June 2017):
OP, first of all, you do have the right to choose the kind of relationship that you want. If you're feeling hurt from his behaviour then you are the one who has a decision to make in addressing that concern. Yes.However, there are 7 billion people on this planet. I, for one, don't believe in advocating a one-size-fits-all model of Love and Relationships, as if there is such a thing as *The* Way it is supposed to be for every single soul on this planet.There are people who find pleasure in chatting _online_ and flirting, even especially sexting, that trumps any desire to actually actively further pursue physical sex. I'm sure there are areas of the brain that are involved in online interactions that are different from those involved in bar/room/house/club ones.How would you feel about finding some suitable way of 'joining' your boyfriend in those chats? Does he object to your following along? You could challenge him to see who achieves some agreed fun target of the day in the shortest time? Him with a girl, or you with another guy? No?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2017): Men like this do not change.He is weak and insecure. Damaged goods.He has an illness. You can also call it an addiction. He loves women way too much. He uses them as a life line to resuscitate his lack of self esteem.He feels inadequate and like he doesn't matter. He feels that he is ugly.Each and every one of these women boost his fragile ego. Make him feel important. Vital. Like he does matter. That he is not ugly.They reassure him that he IS attractive.He cannot do this by himself. He has no self worth or inner confidence on his own. He needs women to assure him he is attractive.ONE IS NEVER ENOUGH.He knows he has you in his pocket.But like an addict, he needs more and more of his drug to feel better. After each hit, he gets higher and higher and feels more and more invincible. And he just does not know when to stop.Ps. What does more exclusively mean? Either he is exclusive or he isn't.It is obvious he has never been exclusive to you. He has you as a fall back and convenient form of sex while he is out hunting and sleeping with other women, also to satisfy his ego, just like you. All of these women, including you, are his TOYS. He plays you all like puppets. And every one of you ALLOWS him to play you like a puppet.This guy must be one smooth operator.The sad part is you fell for him.And you need to see that he is slime.Slime which is no good for you.But you are so blinded by your feelings that you cannot seem to get it that he is a player. You are trying to be blind to reality. You can't prove he is cheating? Why would you have to? He IS cheating already. Even if it isn't physically, he is emotionally cheating which is just as bad. And don't think because you can't prove it that he isn't cheating! He is just a very clever guy who is able to get away with it. Some guys are expert liars and manipulators and very good at covering their tracks, especially when they are trying to remain a step ahead of a jealous girlfriend.If I were you, I would leave him. Let him play all he wants. Without you in the picture.Sorry but he was never committed to you. He does not know what the word means. And he will happily continue in his ways forever and ever. Stringing multiple women around for his pleasure and amusement. Because that is what makes him feel like he is KING OF THE WORLD. He just can't stop himself. Yes, it is sad and pathetic. But he is a dime a dozen. Generally, men are pigs and will sleep with any woman who gives him the time of day. And we women need to never get our hearts involved otherwise we are done. Done, done, and done. I think for your own well being, you need to close the book on this one. He is taking advantage of you. Using you just like he is using all the others.In the end, he comes out the winner. He is getting everything he wants. While you are settling for the crumbs of his time and attention, which he splits with numerous other women. Do you always want to be one of many? Or the ONLY one?You will never be the ONLY ONE with this guy!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 June 2017):
 Honestly? YOU know his excuse is pure undiluted bullshit, yet you continue to swallow it.
Do you think that just given enough time - he will STOP? You think if you have kids or get married - he will STOP?
HE won't.
If all he needed was female attention, he would be texting his sisters, aunt, mother, grandmother like a lunatic - not RANDOM girls off Facebook and whatever app. And not with SEXUAL content. Come on, dear OP USE some common sense here.
I am with the rest of the aunties and uncles. I don't understand why you stay.
I don't think it MATTERS if he physically cheats with these women, YOU don't think it matters either. It is still hurtful to you, you have asked him to stop and HE WILL NOT STOP.
You two have a 5 YEAR history of him doing this, and you finding out. 5 years you have wasted being his "parole officer" - snooping on him, checking up on him, arguing with him over this, leaving him and taking him back. NOTHING is going to make him stop. He KNOWS that you will take him back, he know you might argue but you DON'T actually LEAVE. So he is "free" to do as he pleases.
While you are NOT making him do this, YOU are enabling it.
DECIDE OP, if you can accept his behavior, deceit, disrespect and lies - and then you STAY & SUCK it up, Buttercup.
OR, if you FINALLY have had enough. THEN you end it and block delete all contact and work on moving on.
This isn't about YOU not being GOOD enough for him. Not giving him enough attention or whatever - this is HIM not being MATURE enough to be in a GROWN UP relationship where there are expectations of mutual respect and fidelity.
Lastly, I think you NEED to understand that you can LOVE a guy but accept that he is ALL wrong for you. You can LOVE someone and NOT be with them because it's BETTER for you to NOT be with them.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (4 June 2017):
 Have some self respect.
Why would he stop doing it when there's no consequence?? You are allowing him to do it so I don't blame him for continuing.
Do you seriously think you can't find another man that won't do this?
How on earth have you coped with this for 5 years?
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (4 June 2017):
 Two questions:
1. Why are you still with him when you should have broken up with him in the first year itself when you knew that he was an ass?
2. Sorry for the language but can he get it up and perform?
The reason I'm asking you this is because I know someone who dated a guy who had terrible problems in bed and yet was very smooth with other women and was forever looking to cheat when paradoxically, he could barely get it up. He had a huge insecurity which he tried to mask by having just about any kind of sexual contact when women, be it dirty talk or making out or just being very inappropriate, despite having a girlfriend. As you can imagine, awful situation all around.
So yes, while I obviously don't know what's going on with your guy, I know enough to tell you to please break up with him. Trust me, he's not worth the hassle
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (4 June 2017):
 What a bullshit excuse ! If that were true, then 30 millions of Italians ( all the male population of Italy ) would be ALL cheaters and female attention seekers, because here EVERY child gets fussed about a lot ( too much, if you ask me ) not only by moms, grandmas, sisters, and female relatives, but by passers by and total strangers. Children rule ; we don't actually MAKE many children ( just 1.2 per couple ) but , the fews that are around, get tons of attention. We are obsessed with kids and babies, particularly ( alas ) baby BOYS. It's just the custom of the place.
Your bf cannot pin his transgressions to some obscure psychological damage caused in him by a too doting family. His is a choice, willing and conscious. Why does he make this choice ?... Who knows ; plenty of possibilities, ( and none too comforting ): maybe he is an insecure narcissist who could not even get it up without plenty of positive fedback . Maybe he is bored of you, or of your couple , or of HIMSELF and he needs being a bit " naughty" to add some pizzazz to his routine. Maybe he is an immature who will never grow out of his " kid in the candu store " syndrome. Just to quote only a few " maybe ".
But, really, does it matter why ?
The point is that, as an adult who chose to be in a serious relationship and knows perfectly what it entails, he also knows that what he does is not OK , and he is not supposed to do it. Come on,he must KNOW that n a monogamous relationship you are not sipposed to cheat . You say yourself that he was , basically, dating other girls behind your back ! If that's not cheating... it's not all about the penis, you know ? Even if he has never actually got to make use of said penis , he's disrespected you blatantly anyway. He is in a supposedly committed relationship ... and he signs up on dating sites ?? That's absurd and unacceptable, unless of course two people agree to have an open relationship ( which you did not ).
So, at the end of the day, he knows he should not do it - but he does it anyway, because obviously the gratification of his fancies and whims comes way before the risk of hurting you and disrespecting you. This is a cost that he is happy to pay, as long as he can carry on with his inappropriate " hobby ".
At this point, frankly, the real burning question would
not be why he does what he does, but why YOU have been putting up with it for 5 long years ! I know that you love the guy, and I am sure that he has his redeeming feraures... but, you even got to break up pount several times- and nothing ever changed . I think, that, at some point, one has to concede defeat and stop fighting a losing battle.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2017): I have to answer a question with a question. Knowing he seeks so much attention from other women, why are you still with him after five long years?
You may be very naive. I don't think a man who contacts women in secret behind his girlfriend's back isn't up to cheating.
Even if he's not having physical-sex; but exchanging flirtations and having inappropriate conversations, he's cheating psychologically. He's doing everything that comes before and leads to sex. I find it hard to believe he hasn't; unless you watch him like a hawk and make him account for every moment of his day.
I guess he's looking for attention from someone other than you. If he knows you snoop, he might as well give you something to snoop about. I think he's messing with your head. Or crying-out for help!
You say he doesn't have a very high sex drive? Is he also in his 20's?
Perhaps he's more clever than you give him credit for.
I would think a guy who's girlfriend is constantly snooping around behind him; and spends so much time searching for attention elsewhere, is an unhappy fellow. I think he wants out after five-years of being watched; but you're not about to let that happen.
Maybe both of you need a change.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (4 June 2017):
 Nobody can tell you WHY your boyfriend chooses to behave in this way. What I CAN tell you, however, is that this "addiction" is stronger than his regard for your feelings.
Whether he cheats physically or not, the fact he is constantly chatting to other women on line means he takes away energy from YOUR relationship. Some would class that as cheating.
As I see it, you have two choices here: like it or lump it. He shows no signs of changing. Possibly he sees nothing wrong with his behaviour. However, YOU are not happy with it but he CHOOSES to disregard that.
Does he have any male friends? Do they do the same thing?
If you decide to stay with him, for your own sanity, you need to stop snooping, otherwise you will drive yourself crazy.
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