A
male
age
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*ustquestions
writes:I've been in a long term marriage and am now separated (6 months). The children are almost grown (youngest still has a year of H.S. to go) Over the years, my wife and I grew in different directions and didn't really communicate well. We even started taking separate vacations during the last few years of our marriage. Neither one of us had an affair, although I do tend to form friendships with women easily because I am actually much more comfortable talking than most guys seem to be. My wife and I have disagreed on many things, but we don't really argue that much. We just don't talk about disagreements or anything anymore. I started seeing a marriage counseler by myself about 1.5 years ago. I talked her into coming with me a couple of times, but that is all. I thought when I moved out that she would see the big problems in our marriage and work to save it. But, she still does not come with me. I go about once a month without her. We have gone out together on a few dates while separated, which is good I think. We get along OK, but only as friends. All we seem to have in common is the kids. I'm scared about the empty nest stage. My parents' marriage was poor after they reached that point, and I don't want the same thing. I'm a little confused by how she acts. Almost everything I read says that the wife is usually the talkative one and should take her husband to marriage counseling if necessary. It always sounds like the wife is the proactive one, but it's not that way here. She says she loves me. She will buy me gifts now and then that I do not want, but she will not see the marriage counseler with me to work on our marriage. While I was in the house I basically bought my own groceries, cooked my own meals, cleaned my own clothes etc. I've been a good provider and continue to maintain the primary household expenses even though I'm not living there. If we divorce, this will likely not look good for her since I doubt the judge will be too sympathetic to her. Why does she act this way? Does she really hope I will leave? Has she given up? Does she really still love me? I am becoming more interested in getting to know other women better as the separation time increases and they come to realize the situation, but I still wonder what my wife is really saying by not actively doing what I've asked and work with me to ensure our marriage will be more than a lonely shell when the last child is gone. Comments?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2011): I was in a very similar situation to you. I was married to a woman who loved me and I loved her. THe love was deep many years ago, but in the last decade of our marriage, we became disconnected and the marriage fell shallow. I admit that she tried more than me to repair it, and my heart just wasnt there anymore.
She probably has great affection for you, maybe even love to an extent. But when a marriage falls shallow and loses that depth of love that propels you through anything, it's very hard to get it back without a revelation of change and adjustment. Most people cant do that after tehy have become so used to someone the way they were.
She needs a wakeup call so she understands her marriage is at an end, and if she wants to do anything about it, she needs to step up. Get it verbally from her. It would be a shame if you divorce, only to find out years later that she was hoping you'd come back and work it out. Let her know you are moving on if you get no sign of interest from her.
Good luck!
A
male
reader, justquestions +, writes (9 January 2011):
justquestions is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your comments. I'm especially interested in a woman's perspective. I believe we had a loving relationship when we were dating, but had a very rocky first year of our marriage. It looked like we might not make it, but then she got pregnant and I couldn't bring myself to leave my children. I was always involved with them when they were growing up. Our two sons are now on their own and they aren't angry with me. The daughter still at home is starting to run wild. I always tried to keep her under control, but my wife wouldn't support me. Now she deals with her. I get calls from my daughter to "fix" things but that's about all. I look on Facebook to keep up with what's happening. I could go back, but I don't know if anything will have improved. My wife says she wants me back though. I just don't want to have what happened to my parents also happen to us. Before I left we were living two separate lives. We still are and the truth is I'm starting to get more used to it. I do care about what might happen to my wife in the future. However, I think of her more as the mother of my children and even a grandmother than I do my wife, best friend and lover.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (9 January 2011):
I'm afraid your marriage is over. It takes two to make a marriage work, and from what you've said, she's not lifted a finger.
I commend you for seeing the counsellor yourself. If nothing else, you know that you tried to make it work. And it's probably made you a far better guy.
But the time has come to move on from your wife. She simply hasn't done a thing to make this work, and in my opinion she never will. She will happily accept you paying all the bills, and seems to like the attention. But she won't try to make the marriage work. Your best bet is to leave and meet another woman who can actually commit to you.
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A
female
reader, PatientlyWaiting1 +, writes (9 January 2011):
Does she trust you? Did you two ever really develop a loving bond? Really? Ask yourself that question because it is a lot deeper than what people think and it takes time. I recommend this book I read about a year ago and still continue to reference on my journey to fix my relationship it is called "HOW TO GET YOUR LOVER BACK," by Blase Harris, M.D. It shows you how to really love someone selflessly and that is the right way to do things. $16. I enjoy it because I now reference it when I feel myself becoming selfish. Hope that helped.
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