A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My SO and I have been together for 5 years now. We have had many trials including infidelity even including a child. HE had an affair 4 years ago which resulted in his son. He left me for some time when the little guy was born but then came back because he said he knew he had made a mistake by leaving. I have accepted and embraced his some and he is with us every weekend. My children love him and also his other children as well. When he is not cheating he is the epitome of what I want in a man. He is supportive, helpful, strong, and is often my rick when things get tough. Since that we have had little issues here and there but nothing like that, until recently. I found out he has been cheating on me with a girl he used to work with. He has spent countless nights away from home lately and I have found out that this affair is not exactly being kept behind closed doors. I asked him about it and he admitted that he is confused about how he feels. He sys he knows he loves me and I am the best thing that has happened to him in a long time, but he refuses to end his relationship with her yet. HE says he doesn't want to hurt anyone but he fails to realize he is hurting all of the children involved as well as me. This woman knew abut me from the beginning. the last few days he has avoided intimacy with me. He says he feels like he is undeserving of me loving him after having hurt me so bad. He will not say that he is leaving, but the more I ask him to stay the further he pulls away saying that he loves me too much to keep hurting me and although he does not see this affair as being long term, he cannot say he is ready to be faithful. I know in my heart he does love me and I want to fight for this relationship. I am brokenhearted and am so scared he will leave. It may sound crazy but before I met him I was such a different person, one who I didn't like very much. Since I met him I have become a better person and can say I am truly experiencing that true unconditional love. I need some advice how to get him to end this affair without pushing him away. I don't want my children to lose the only person who has been a dad to them and his children and I are close as well. Even since his affair he continues to talk future with me, but then int eh next breath says he does not know if he can stay. It is so confusing but I know I want to try.
View related questions:
affair, infidelity Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2011): in my opinion - people who constantly get hurt have to look inside themselves, because people only treat us how we allow them to treat us. and if you keep ending up in the same sitatuion then its cuz you havent learned the lesson yet! and it will keep happening to you until you make a change, learn to put your foot down and demand more for yourself. it is pitiful and unnacceptable for us to continually accept someone's bad treatment, it makes us weak and in all honesty probably makes us very unnattractive to our significant others anyway. being a doormat who keeps forgiving an idiot is not a sexy quality.
If we actually stop & refuse to tolerate anything less than our standards, thats what we''ll get, its inevitable, it will take longer of course but it will happen, simply cuz you wont accept less so it has to .The more you lower your standards the more scumbags and pigs will sneak under your radar. Its not easy, it takes alot of strength to accept being alone, and even more strength to learn to prefer being alone over being in a dysfunctional relationship, but if you never learn to be fulfilled all alone you can never be a part of a successful team...
do we forgive the person that cheated on us or not? all i can say to that is - if a dog pees in the corner and you never fully correct this bad behaviour than he will keep peeing in that corner again and again..and last time i checked crying at a dog doesnt teach it anything, there has to be real consequence or your setting yourself up to be in this same situation very soon.
cheating is NEVER justified!!! NEVER
it is ALWAYS possible to end the relationship before becoming intimate with another person, the problem is most people are too lazy and selfish to face the confrontation of the breakup so they end up cheating first..its a sign of weakness..
and considering it is so very VERY rare that someone only cheats on their spouse ONCE, we have to take that into consideration when deciding whether or not to continue a relationship with someone who's already shown their disrespect and lack of self control
A
female
reader, Sweet-thing  +, writes (9 January 2011):
 Ask him to move out. You are showing your children the worst kind of human behaviro (his) and justifying it. What kind of message is that sending to them? You may love him, and clearly cannot let go. I know it's hard to be alone but you are only living half of a life with a liar and a cheat. You deserve more! Your kids deserve more. Let him go and do not accept him back. He will only do it again. He doesn't know what he wants and he never will. Move on.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2011): Yes, I know it's hard for you to let go because he's the father of your kids and he's "exactly what you want" when he's not cheating on you. But at the same time, you're not happy that he's cheating on you. This sounds like co-dependency. This is not a healthy relationship for you. He isn't treating you the way a wondeful woman who is loved should be treated. I've been there, but the difference is I wasn't living with him, nor did I have kids with him. The hurt was still there and he would say that he loves me but he still kept his lover (who was married to someone else). He didn't want to end it with her because he was getting all the sex he wanted. He wasn't getting it from me so he went to her. I asked him so many times to tell me about the affair and he would deny it. It finally came out when I asked him again and then he broke up with me saying I was too aggressive and that he is going to break up with me cause I am always "badgering him" in regards to the lady and that he should be able to do what he wants without apologizing. Well, after that, I decided, should he decide to come back to me, I wasn't going back to him. I had enough of his shenanigans. The funny thing is, he did try to come back in my life and I didn't. He was surprised and he tried to "be nice and sweet and caring" but it was too late. You see, he was fooling around with women and telling me things that would sound like "there were others" that were interestd in him. I had enough and told him that he will find someone and maybe it'll be that married lady. I didn't let him come back into my life and I'm so much happier. So much better with my life. I'm not wondering anymore if there's another lady in the picture. He treated me wrong and with anger. I ended it with him in my heart and in my mind. It was over and I felt good. It will take time, but you can do it. You need to do that too. No one should ever have to subject their kids through the trauma of dad/mom having an affair while the other parent is staying home clearly miserable and upset. That's not healthy for the kids. You and the kids should either move out or show him that you and the kids can't live this way. What kind of an example is he showing to them...that it's okay to have an affair? That it's fine to fool around someone else's back? It's not. You have the power to do the right thing. You are a smart and confident woman who knows what she wants. Believe in yourself and remember to see what it is you want in 5 years from now. To be miserable or happy. The decision is yours to make.
...............................
A
female
reader, AuntyMaur  +, writes (9 January 2011):
 If he is the man you say he is and you seperate, the children will still be a part of his life. Remember he is the one destroying this not you!As for the relationship wow! Why are you so scared to leave? What are you holding onto? I can empathise but seriously this man has and is slowly destroying the family unit because he cannot keep his penis in his pants.What is worse, your're letting him, he is abusing your good nature. By aways being so forgiving its like giving him permission. Lets look at this more indepth. While your at home with the children playing the good wifey and mommy, Your HUSBAND is spending time naked with other women, he is kissing them,caressing thier breasts, embracing them, talking sexually, fucking them! How can you stand it? What is he teaching his children? Your not married this is just a word to him without any validation, kinda like saying I love you but not really meaning it, saying it just to appease someone. You have 2 choices- leave or except you have an open relationship, if its good for him then its good for you but seriously this marriage is not a marriage. I would start making plans and get some money behind you.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2011): I totally sympathize with your situation, but I'm going to speak bluntly, because you sound like you need to hear it.This guy is a serial cheater. He's not going to stop cheating, as he's already proven. Do you really want to be his security blanket while he gets to play with his toys until he is ready to come home with his tail tucked between his legs, or do you want to find a TRULY stable individual and someone?Seriously? He doesn't want to hurt her? More like he doesn't want to stop having fun, never mind the consequences or hurt that it's putting on your or your kids. Why are you worried about pushing this guy away, when he's already away with someone else? Ask yourself if you're doing this for "unconditional love" or if you're afraid to be alone. Also ask yourself if this is healthy thing for your kids to see or a behavior to learn. Above all, is this healthy for you mentally or physically? This guy sounds like he has no consideration for others, just himself. He's going to tell you what you want to hear in order to keep you as his security blanket when he changes his tune. Do you want to be loved or loved some of the time? As long as you enable it in any relationship, it will continue. Best of luck to you and your kids.
...............................
A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (9 January 2011):
 Can I ask you a question? Why do you want this guy back. Seriously? He's cheated on you now twice, has a kid with another woman, and you get to help raise his other kids. Man, this guy has a pretty sweet deal.I don't think you need advice on how to end his affair. I think you need advice in how to improve your self-esteem. There's tons of guys out there that would love to have someone like you and you settle for this "piece of work"I think you should re-read your post and ask yourself "Why do I think so little of myself and why I don't think I deserve better". Also you are not experiencing "Unconditional love" what you are experiencing is "delusional love" Time to cut your losses and move on.
...............................
A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (9 January 2011):
 "Unconditional love". Well, that sounds very much like what you're giving him -- love not conditional on fidelity.
If you are content with the affection you and the children are getting then fine. That's your call. But it's quite clear that you are not in an exclusive relationship with him. He's cheated before, he's cheating now. To be blunt, you're lapping it up. You're waiting for his fling to run its course, waiting for him to come back to you -- until the next time.
You're scared he'll leave. Sorry, but what does "leave" mean? He doesn't have to "leave" you if he can go off and do what he wants while you're waiting, tending the kids, hoping for whatever bit of affection is left over.
You've set the parameters for this relationship, which is he goes off and does what he wants. If you want something different, if you want it to be exclusive, just you and him, then you have to stand up and demand it. But from the tone of your post I don't see it happening.
...............................
A
female
reader, Julliet +, writes (9 January 2011):
 Firstly, since when he's the only man available. Believe me he's not, you just have to find your confidence back since he stole some of it, but's it time for you to take it back. I believe that there's a soulmate out there for everyone, and yours is definitely not him. I don't understand why you want to be with someone who is constantly unfaithful; do you hate yourself that much? I don't think so I think you are a lovely person with a lot of love to give, but please love yourself first. I seriously think you have to separate yourself from him he's not good for you. I know you will find happiness again just take care of yourself emotionally and physically. I also know because you are constantly taking him back; he feels he can walk all over you. Whatever nice things he does for you is just so you can keep him around. Put value on your happiness, your kids happiness. They will pick up on this and think it is OK to put up with infidelity. I really hope that you can take my advice and love yourself first. Take care and I wish you all the best. I know this is not what you want to hear, but I think you should hear it.
...............................
|
