A
female
age
36-40,
*0729
writes:I'm not sure how to word this. Almost seven months ago I was with a guy and everything was good, texted all the time, he remembered things I said (so I knew he was actually paying attention) he would be open and share things that I knew were private. Then one day he dropped the bomb on me that he didn't think it works because he didn't get butterflies with me. He didn't get butterflies with his ex wife and thinks that that means that it will be the same for us.He has been divorced for two years. I honestly didn't get butterflies with him either. There were other things I noticed that I felt happy and safe with him, we both could make each other laugh and he made me want to be better at everything and because of that I wasn't going to throw in the towel because I didn't get the giddy crush feeling. Now the kicker we never stopped talking to each other, we don't do it daily but we talk quite a bit when we do talk to each other. I recently had a friend pass away in a bad accident three months ago, and he was there for me more than he had to be, he even has helped me with things I don't understand like car and TV. I'm just confused if I found a really really good person and friend. Or if I need to smack him upside the head and say look at what we have, don't toss it because of butterflies, we're in our 30's and both military, we aren't 15. That there are deeper and moreimportant emotional needs than feeling all giggly and cute.
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crush, divorce, ex-wife, his ex, military, text Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2015): He is nowhere near getting over the wife and is making the non butterflies connection with the loss of his wife.ie rejecting you because it didnt work out with the wife.Play him!!Tell him youve recently met a bloke who gives you the butterflies and wants to take you on a non military trip to Paris.Ask him if musk is the best perfume to wear and if he agrees its a known aphrodisiac?You can assess his reaction, but ,as there is no butterfly guy you have to tell him at a later date (maybe a weekend later) that butterfly guy didnt have his wicked way with you and again see if he shifts emotionally closer to you,but keep it relatively light hearted as your in the military with a job to do.
A
female
reader, chipmunk37  +, writes (6 September 2015):
 I would say you have a strong mental compatability, you like the same things and seem to be a real meeting of minds. But from what you said it sounds like you don't have the sexual or the emotional compatibility needed to be a lasting couple which is what he appears to be currently desiring in his life. I think you have in him a fine friend but he is not right for you as a lover or a potential life mate.
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A
male
reader, devont +, writes (6 September 2015):
 I would respect his decision.
Five years ago, I would have put getting butterflies about a low down as you could get on a list of things I wanted from a relationship. Then I met a girl who gave me butterflies and I realised what had been missing from every other relationship I had been in.
He doesn't want to settle, and neither should you. If companionship is all that matters to you, that's fine, but respect that he doesn't want that.
Also, if you are finding it hard to be just friends, maybe reconsider staying in touch. I know that is easier said than done, but it is hard to move on from someone when you're still seeing them.
All the best :)
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (6 September 2015):
 I agree with Honeypie. I would not settle. Not if I was 20 50 or 70. Yes companionship is nice, but you need more than a warm cozy feeling..there should be some sort of chemistry. Yes, lust fades over time, but in a deep meaning relationship feelings deepen.
I made a mistake my first marriage and went through hell till I got divorced. My second marriage I swore to myself that I would pick "Mr Right"..and I thought I did. He was smart, had a great job, was very sweet to my daughter and a thoughtful man, everyone thought highly of him. I was 24 and thought I knew what I was doing. I admired him and cared for him, but I never got the little tingles. I know he truly loved me and I tried very hard to be a good wife but something was just missing...We had a good marriage till he turned to alcohol and then I divorced him.
I dated my current husband for 14 years before we finally married this year. I was afraid..afraid of failure again, ashamed and worried about what others might say/think. But let me tell you...this man still makes my heart sing...I still feel a thrill when I hear his voice or see him walk in a room. We are in our 50's and he still makes me feel like a teenager in love...
Don't ever discount chemistry...people that marry for "companionship" and "comfort" often get very disenchanted....
I think the guy made the right choice..he didn't feel the spark and didn't want to settle...don't you either!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 September 2015):
 I think he is a GREAT friend, but NOT with the potential of a BF.
It really doesn't MATTER if YOU are OK to date someone and not feel butterflies, HE isn't. For him that IS a criteria.
I have never dated anyone who didn't give me "butterflies". And I wasn't a teen either (with 3 of the relationships).
It still makes me smile when hubby calls, even if it's JUST to ask if we need milk... And that is after 17 years of marriage. I still get goosebumps. We are also really good friends, can goof off and be serious together. But for ME personally, without that chemistry and attraction I don't think it would work - FOR ME. You might be different. For me... if those things aren't there, he is a potential room mate, friend and I'd feel like I had settled for a "this will do" kind of guy.
Not everyone is the same.
And there is more to the "butterfly" feeling than giggles and being/feeling cute.
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