A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My Husband is a really loving man but he is asking for another woman to come into our bed we are married with 5 children and I don't know what could I be doing wrong? What do I do? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Silence is Golden  +, writes (31 March 2007):
i feel really sorry for you because that was exactly what happend to me and i was gobsmacked when my husband first started suggesting such a thing. I kept thinking " am i not enough for him". or " do i not satisfy him" etc. thousand of questions were going on in my head and the though of me sharing my bed with my husband and another woman was tearing my heart apart. Now depending on what kind of man your husband is you could handle this quite cleverly by saying exactly what i said " fair enough but if you expect me to do that for you with another woman, then you have to do me the favour first and do it with me and another man". That was enough to cure my husband and he never mentioned the subject again. He said he wouldnt be able to share me with another man, it would kill him. I think it made him realise how i felt then. Good luck!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2007): You have done nothing wrong. This man is just being sick. After all you don't want to share a bed with another woman do you? Leave him and find someone who doesn't plan to have another woman with him in his bed.
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A
female
reader, Lia +, writes (31 March 2007):
 Why is it that women always blame themselves?! You asked if you've done anything wrong, but this isn't about you at all so don't blame yourself! You need to seriously talk to your husband about his request - is this something you're comfortable with? What is it really about - is he just wanting some more excitement in his life? There are other ways to do this - one doesn't need to bring a third party into the relationship. You could mention that you could try new things in your sex life together instead, for example. Perhaps that's what he's really after. Ask him why he wants to bring another woman into bed with you - that way you can get to the bottom of what he really wants. If you're not comfortable with this, which I'm assuming you're not otherwise you wouldn't be writing your problem on here, then you have to tell him. He can't expect you to do something that you're not comfortable with - and if he does, then he's really not the loving man you think he is.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2007): Sometimes people, like yourself marry other people who get lazy and forget to respect/honor their wife, family and marriage. Sometimes women marry men who are emotionally immature, who want only their needs fulfilled with no thought to the consequences. People, who are selfish who have no self-control. Self-control requires common sense, effort and sacrifice....three huge main components of marriage. And especially a marriage where 5 children, are counting on Mom and Dad to love and remain committed to each other. My dear, your husband has told you his feelings about a 'threesome' and you appear to be against it. That much is apparent because you are questioning yourself by asking 'what are you doing wrong.' That tells me, his suggestion has deeply affected your sense of self-worth and values. If I'm right-then tell him how 'unhappy'' you are that he even suggested inserting a third person into your marriage bed. Never be afraid to put a boundary in place in a marriage. So many woman fear being unloved by their partners, that they are convinced that love means never saying no to a husband that is behaving in a unthinking manner. That's hogwash. Don't agree to a threesome if it's not what you want. It will 'blow up' your marriage and family.
You do state he is a loving husband so it sounds like you yourself, have been content, happy up until he revealed this to you. All I know, if he was a happily married man and clearly was devoted and loved you, as you do him, he would not have even thought of entertaining these thoughts of bringing another woman into your bedroom. He could have saved you, your self-respect, your feelings of worthiness if he could have just fully realized this marriage was floundering, long before he even brought up this subject. I can only imagine how this hurt you to hear him suggest such a thing. Look inside yourself and assess your marriage. I think you and he need to talk seriously about the state of his devotions to you, Hun. And you need to tell him 'exactly' how you feel about this idea. Good luck, dear, be strong and Take care.
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A
male
reader, ChiRaven  +, writes (31 March 2007):
 Lots of people have polyamorous arrangements in their marriages, BUT such things always need to be thoroughly discussed and agreed to WAY before any such arrangements are made. Tell hubby that right now you're not into a threesome, and he'd better not be either.
If that is something the two of you (together) want to consider as a life style choice in the future, that's another question; but it can't be something that one partner just springs on the other from out of the blue. It doesn't necessarily mean you've done anything "wrong", either. It means that he is suggesting (not in an appropriate way, from what you're saying) a change in your life style. You need to decide whether this is something that interests you, something that you would like to make part of your life. If so, you can take it from there. If not, the two of you have a conflict that will need to be resolved.
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