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female
age
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anonymous
writes: Both my lover and I are married but there is no sex for either of us in those relationships. We have been seeing each other for a few months and have recently started sleeping together. However, my lover is finding it difficult to deal with his feelings of guilt and I am not sure if he wants to end our affair because of this. When we are together we really enjoy each others company but neither of us want to leave our permanent partners. It really is just the lack of sex in the permanent realtionships which is the problem.Can anyone relate to this and if so how can he stop feeling guilty or should we just end things?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2008): I read some of answers too first replying your question and yes I am not influnced with the answers,but yes want to laugh on some persons who says to work it out on your marrige cause when love is there you need not to work it out to fix up anything, love is not there that is why this is happening,,,,,,,,,and yes I do feel guilt cause I care not becasue I love and yes I do feel guilt cause she loves me but tell me it would be good to destroy of life of 4 person by not seprating cause you will not be happy with you wife she will not be happy with her husband what you both be doing with living them a sdacrifice a compromise for all life why?why this?better to leave them be married and you both will be happpy they two will be unhappy but soon they will find theor right companion and all 4 will be happy and some foolish peoplse suggest to work in marrige even if they dont love and without love living life is better to die.........so decide it get divorced and marry each other and yes by lingering this you doing wrong to them in not getting chance to them to find a right companion of them so do it and forget guilt this guilt will go away once you happy they happy care for your happiness first be selfish in this why compromise all time and who dont support this is like a comentator who gives comment sitting out from playground and when you send him in playground you will find he is doing same it very eay to say for everyone so forget people forget all just care you your self.........happy life
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2007): I too WAS in the same boat as you. The love/lust were out of this world and I wanted more.
I am NOT in love with my husband and we have not had sex for over 2 years! We have three children and it would KILL him to be without them. We have NO communication, he has NO emotion and our marriage has been over for years. However, my friend does love his wife (or so he says but how could he do what he did) and told me from the beginning that he could not leave his family.
I knew what I was getting into but couldn't/didn't want to stop. Needless to say feelings developed and we found ourselves in love. We tried to stop but couldn't. Needless to say I wanted more and ended up calling it quits as I could not take the roller coaster ride and knew there was no future as long as we both were married.
He was mad and said he couldn't give me the attention I obviously needed and that he too was "done". We have not spoken in 3 weeks.
It is killing me more than you know. Not because of guilt (as horrible as that sounds) but because I miss him so much. I know this is the RIGHT thing to do but it still hurts so bad. I have since told my husband that I'm not in love with him and can not be in this relationship. We can't afford to split so right now we are staying together for financial/kids sake. He cried and said "I cant be without my children" which I KNOW is true and that he wants to try but I am finished. Not sure what the hell to do but I know I cant be in this relationship anymore. I guess will take it one day at a time.
Sorry, just had to vent. My suggestion is to end it now before your hearts get involved. ALSO, you both need to fix or terminate your marriage before you start to see anyone else. I know, I'm one to talk but trust me it wont get any easier and pretty soon you'll get caught!!!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2007): Im in the same situation but we haven't had sex yet. Why just dabble? You're either in or your out. Is this new person your soul mate or just a fling? If it's just a fling, then don't bother. If you truly can't live without this person I have to say that life is too short to do it the wrong way. I'm crazy about the girl that I'm having an emotional affair with. I can't breathe without thinking about her. That's worth it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2007): In biblical times the average lifespan was 35. If you've been faithful for 36 years, perhaps you've fulfilled your obligations? Have a little fun but find someone without hangups!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2007): I guess I am in the minority on this one, but I empathize with you.
I too had a unhappy marriage, that we tried to work through for 16 years. I finally gave up. I had an affair with a man who had an equally unhappy marriage. After about 8 months of an affair, we decided to leave our spouses and be together.
It was an EXTREMELY hard decision - I have 2 kids and the thought of breaking up there home was almost unthinkable, but I also knew I had been trying to make it work for a long time. I am now happily married to my former lover. We are both concentrating on creating the easiest transition possible for my kids, but I admit, we both feel guilty about what we've done to our x-es every day.
I guess you and your lover have to ask yourself this:
Is this going to turn into a long term relationship? If so, get out of your marriage now. If you are both truly unhappy, and can't live with your current situation, then ask yourself, "Will I be happier if I am with the one I love, but feel guilty, or if I stay with a person who I don't believe is meant for me.
Either way, the relationship cannot continue as it is. You both either have to end it and fix your marriages, or leave now, it's not fair to your spouse, even if they haven't been the greatest partner in the world.
I am often guilty about what I did, but I would be lying if I told you I regret it. I ADORE my current husband and I have never felt this loved or cherished in my life. I think that ultimately, I will be a better mom to my kids by not being unhappy the way I was before.
I hope that helps. I feel for you and your lover.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2007): There is no way to get over the "guilt" because in reality he really loves his wife and is just using you to fill the some kind of void in his life - you on the other hand feel no guilt because you have justified your actions - you are in love with him - right? but are you really? or is it the idea of him the challange of him picking you over his wife? Does that fulfill the void in your life? You see i have been where you are now. I have been in a yo-yo affair for 5years hoping and waiting for the time he picks me and guess what i am 5 years older and FINALLY wiser - let go of him and fix yourself - find what is missing in your life - then look to your husband for comfort and if he is not what you want then at least have dignity and end the realtionship and find someone "unattached" to love - who ever this guy is - he probably has feelings for you - BUT - if he loved you like he says he does then he would not feel guilty and be looking to spend the rest of his life with you and not just minutes at a time - good luck and think wisely
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2007): i think you both should speak to your respective partnersabout your lack of a lovelife, does your husband know how you feel?Of course (he )is going to feel guilty, anyone with a heart would, does he have kids? do you?what about the impact it would have on them, don't forget it's not just your life that will be ruined, i should know as i had to watch my mum go through being cheated on, i was only 11 and it has left me very insecure.I think you should both finish it and work it out with your other-halves if you love them so much you dont want to leave.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2007): what are you doing?
cheating?
how would you liked it if the one that loved you cheated on you?
jeez!
you are totally looking at this in the wrong concept...
both of you get divorced...
of course he's gonna feel guilty bc he's not suppose to be doing it...
end it...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2007): Oh for heaven's sake! You should be ENCOURAGING him to feel guilty about cheating on his wife and urging him to end it, ya know?!
Both of you are doing the wrong thing in having this affair, and you both know it. You are just as guilty as he is because you are cheating - betraying - your husband, just as he is cheating on his wife. When you marry you are not SUPPOSED to have extra-marital affairs, no matter what the "provocation" or temptation. Remember that concept?
End it now, and try to work on the lack of sex in your marriage. Or, if you think your marriage is beyond all hope, get divorced.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2007): Hmmm, cheating without guilt, what a novel concept, I guess that is why cheaters cheat, they typically have no guilt because they justify it by pointing to the bad relationships that they are currently in.
Instead of trying to fix this relationship with your lover, why don't you turn your attention to your primary relationship and fix what ever is not working in that, for instance the lack of sex...is your husband completely paralyzed so he cannot give you sex? Somehow I doubt it.
Whenever there are relationship problems in your marriage, it does not make your life happier to turn outside of the marriage and cheat, it makes it more dramatic perhaps, it makes you live life with sweaty palms...
If your marriage is in a shambles, why don't you think about divorce if nothing else you have tried has worked...but you owe it to your marriage to do the work and earn your way out of it by going to counseling and staying faithful to it until...
Your lover is probably getting sex at home, and he is telling you a line of bull to justify being with you so you won't think he is a terrible guy, but he obviously thinks that he is doing the wrong thing because he is, why would any one with any moral compass want to tell you some trick of getting him over his guilt, there is no trick or game you can play that will make that go away for him.
Why would you want to be a drect threat to his current wife by the way, what has she ever done to you?...or does she just not exist for you, sort of the same way your husband is pushed out of your mind, you push her out too?
There are 4 people in the bed with you, it must get awfully crowded in there, but wait you don't have a conscious, no guilt, so that is how you make more room, too bad, your lover is feeling claustrophobic, so you lose, hun.
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A
male
reader, DocSilverback  +, writes (7 January 2007):
 Okay. You keep talking about HIS guilt. Have you any? From the looks of things you do not feel any type of remorse for your actions. You stated that there is no sex in your marriage.....why is that? And also, how the heck do you know that he is not having sex with his wife? Oh yes, because he said so. I see. Truth from a cheater. It just amazes me how people tend to fall for married individuals and cannot fathom why it will not work out. Duh, McFly! You are choosing to step out of your marriage vows and expect good things to happen. Some would say that you reap what you sow. Go figure. You know, when you burn a candle on both ends you end up with..ummm..nothing?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2007): if he cant handle it then just end it. thats all i can say
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (7 January 2007):
 There is only one way to stop feeling guilty. That is to stop doing nasty things. When we feel guilt it's because we know we're doing something wrong, it's called a conscience. It's natural guage we're designed with to send out an alarm when we're up to no good. The fire alarm goes off and we run, carbon monoxide alarm we run...conscience alarm goes off...we try to ignore it or justify the inappropriate actions.
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