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female
age
41-50,
*ivagirlah
writes: My boyfriend of almost two yrs is still married and he was separated when we met. He has yet to get a divorce. He's been waiting for his soon to be ex to be able to afford the house that they have together. He's been paying the mortgage all this time and she's not helping. I know that he is not cheating with her but I'm still concerned about it. We fight all the time about it and he says that he's trying to do the right thing and not take the house away and trying to wait for her to get a job that will allow her to pay the mortgage. He says that I'm not being a partner and let him do things his way. We just had a baby a month ago and I'm tired of this. I think it is disrespectful. What should I do?? Am I being unreasonable?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2007): partners ex at ancillary relief stage final hearing now required as his ex although given the split she requested which was well in her favour- she says she nolonger agrees prepared to pay morgage we are renting cannot afford both -both parties over 65 but she has private pension - previously sublet property and kept all herself...so she will not let us buy her out .. will not let him live in it ..and pay the morgage .house now in arrear had letter 2 days ago saying they are applying for repossession ...what the hell should he do..
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2007): Oh my what a situation to be in. You are with a man, who still has committments and feels obligated to his wife and first family. Sigh--the emotional hazards becoming involved with 'separated' men! The house is the marital home and he's giving her leeway, to come up with the cash to buy it outright from him. Does he have children with her, living in the home? If he does, this is why he's doing this. He's not prepared to pull 'out the rug' from under his family. And let's get this one fact straight, he's not yours. He is still, in effect, married to her and therefore feels the financial obligations to her. So you hold your tongue about the mortgage. I also have to add, two years is a long time to allow a separation to stagnate. I would think his committment to his new life with you and this child, would motivate him to get that divorce underway, so he can tie up loose ends and move ahead with you. Maybe you two should be discussing this issue as well. I always maintain that child rearing is reserved for the commitment of marriage and should be done so in that context.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2007): My only thought is, why doesn't he and his wife sell the house, make some money and put a down payment on a house that she can afford the payments on with her current job and then she can become self supporting, going through the divorce they will have to divide the assets according to the state laws that you live in, often the wife gets the house anyway, so either way he is paying for it.
My other thought is, why are you having a baby with a man who is legally married to some other woman in the first place and talking about disrespect for you over a house? What is wrong with this picture?
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A
male
reader, DocSilverback  +, writes (7 January 2007):
 First of all, even when they do get divorced, he will still have to pay the mortgage on the house for a few months. Check the laws of your state. (This only pertains if they are paying on the house to own....not renting). If they do divorce, they will have to go through the "1/2 of everything" deal...including all of the debts. If they had children together, well, that's additional funds along with still keeping in contact with his ex. That comes with the territory. I find that people who go into relationships with other people who are married, do not realize that the marriage comes with a package...and that package sometimes is not wrapped in pretty ribbons and bows. You get what you ask for.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2007): Look just because u are there now in his life does not mean that he does not have any obligations towards her as they are still married. You of all the people should understand as he has chosen you now as his current partner. Even if they get divorced he might still have to do what he is doing now if the wife can't support her self. You should trust him and let him do his responsibilties ....it's not really your business as legally they are still married. If you start nagging him too much he might not ever get divorced ....getting the picture.
In my opinion he is actually doing the right thing...shows that he care and is well aware of his responsibilties.
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A
male
reader, d4u04  +, writes (7 January 2007):
 Short answer: no you're not being unreasonable. But obviously his ex-wife isn't used to being on her own and having to do things for herself, like get job, etc... I think you should tell him that you feel disrepected and that it's not fair on you, yes he may have an obligation or guilt for his ex and so is trying to sublimate that with paying her mortgage, but it seems like his ex is taking this for granted, because surely in 2 years she could have found a job by now? She needs to learn to stand on her own two feet, and won't do this until he stops paying for her. I'm not saying just cut all ties but just try to get him to explain to her that he can't do it much longer, and sort of weene her off him paying so to speak. Only when he stops paying will she be able to become completely independent and you two can get back to your relationship.
Hope it all works out x
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