A
male
 ,
anonymous
writes:hii have been with my partner for 15 months and i now feel we're growing apart, as hard as i try to pull us together she seems to want to spend more time away from me. This is the time i think i should mention she has postnatal depression and we have a 6 month old son. however it seems she is going off me because, when i tell me i love her she says it back but it lacks enthusiasm, it seem although she has gone off sex. i want to make us feel close again and i have no idea how to make her closer. i try my hardest to make her feel loved, since we have been together i have complimented her everyday.i know i have not made myself to clear but i hope someone can helpthank you Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you for all the advice, i have sugested date nights and she likes the idea its easy done to since my mum takes little one on tuesday nights anyway. and especally thanx to the anon poster that also had PND you gave me a better understanding of what she is going through
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2010): Hi There,
Gosh! I felt compelled to write to you as i have been there in your wifes position after the birth of my first child.
I also developed PND and post-traumatic shock after the birth and for the first year I was a zombie. I was so far removed from myself I didnt even regognise the woman in the mirror. Without a doubt it was the most lonely time of my life.
Like you, I had a loving and supportive husband, which was a massive help, although like your wife I probably didnt show that very well.
There are no fast and easy answers for a woman with PND but be patient with her and have faith in your relationship, this won't go on forever (although it may seem that way!). Your acts of kindness towards your wife and child will not go unnoticed.
One of the things that made a big difference to us as a couple was having a few "dates" without the baby, even though the first few times all i did was talk and worry about the baby! We went to the movies, to the pub etc and it was a chance to realise that we were still "us" as well as mummy and daddy. We were usually intimate after such evenings too!
Keep the faith and remember to be kind to yourself too. You sound like a lovely husband :-)
...............................
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (18 August 2010):
 I meant tenacity, not tumerity...apologies.
...............................
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (18 August 2010):
I applaud you for showing the tumerity to ask for advice for something so important. What is happening is completely normal and natural. Your partner is reacting to a life changing event and is under invisible and emotional pressure.
When a baby comes into a family things change permanently. All attention goes on the child and for some women this is devestating and very hard to cope with. Some women struggle with negative feelings against the baby...
'What am I doing wrong?
'Why doesn't my baby stop crying when I have done everything I can?'
'Why do I feel such love but such resentment towards my baby?'
'Am I pushing my partner away?'
'Does my partner still love me now my body has changed?'
'Does my partner understand that I am too tired and stressed enough to want to have sex?'
'Do people think I am a bad mother because I can't stop my baby from crying?
' Will my life ever be the same as before?'
'Will my partner leave me if I don't have sex with him?'
'Why can't my partner see how tired I am and that I just need a little space?'
' Does my partner still love me?'...
All these questions and many many more will be in your partners head...a natural defense mechanism of the body is to simply switch off and become blank for a while...it allows the body and mind to cope without breaking down completely. This is what post natal depression is!!
She will lose interest in people around her, may become obsessive about things, thinking nobody can help her as she feels so responsible for the baby and it's all on her shoulders. Even if people try to help she may feel that if she relaxes for a moment that something will go wrong and it will be her fault!!...really it can be an awful thing to go through!!
To everyone else it's a joyous event, but if she is really absorbed in doubt and worry she may find it hard to let go without help!
The absolutely best thing you can do is be patient, I am sure you are doing that already. Continue to give her support and time to talk about how she feels. Take over as much as you can...even though you may not feel like it, you need to lighten her emotional load. If she is suffering from depression, she is probably on some form of medication. She needs to have this reviewed regularly by the doctor so gently encourage her to go.
This situation will go two ways, depending on how you deal with it. Either you will get frustrated and walk away from the relationship, or you will wait it out, do your best and eventually things will get back to normal. Remind her of the good times ahead, watching your child grow up, first steps, first words, starting nursery. Be positive calm and supportive and see it through...it will make you into a close and loving partner and dad and your child will grow up in a secure and loving environment.
I know men have a 'me' streak...a natural and solitary kind of selfishness that impels them to put themselves first, but in this situation you need to lay that down for a while and see yourself as a very important support and source of loving carer...its more precious than you could ever know. The way you react is essential to your partners recovery and I can assure you that if you remain supportive and calm, she will recover and love you even more for it.
If you need time to be on your own then gently tell her that you will be back soon and that you still love her.
Communication is EVERYTHING and I seriously mean that.
With the right approach things will settle quickly and you can have total peace of mind knowing you did the right thing.
Hugs x
...............................
A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (18 August 2010):
 Get her help. There are anti-depressants she can use if the doctor recommends them. Make sure she knows that she's a big part of the baby's life. Postnatal depression is actually more common than you think and that means that this definitely can be overcome so don't lose hope. If you lose hope then your wife may lose more hope too.
I hope that helps.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2010): aww :( first of all i think what your doing is great, continue with it!! theres obviously something troubling her, it might not be the case thats shes 'gone off you' ... you do need to tell her what your feeling though, just explain to her that you've noticed shes been a little down and you want to make her aware that yourl always be there for her and if she needs to talk about anything that your always there to listen, i know your telling her how much you love her which is great but try showing her, cook her a meal, run her a hot bath, get her a big bunch of flowers to brighten up her day, and if she askes why your doing it... tell her cus she deserves it.... best of luck dude xx
...............................
|
