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female
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anonymous
writes: I am in a nice relationship and we are expecting a baby in December - we are great friends and things are fine mostly. However there have been a few occassions that he swears at me - saying F You and disrespecting etc, when I explain that this is not acceptable and he should not speak to me this way when hes in a mood - instead of apologising - he justifies it by saying that I anoyed him - when I am not and do not deserve this. If this is a pattern he is gotten into then how do I stop it as a child will be bought into that kind of relationship.... Reply to this Question
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male
reader, feelingood +, writes (8 September 2005):
Firstly, you are absolutely correct that it is not acceptable for him to disrespect you in any way, and that definately includes verbally. The problem here is simply communication. I disagree with Delila, because you could irritate him and cause him to become even more disrespectful. It will also give him a case against YOU, and in these situations you don't want to put a foot wrong because it will just add more fuel to the fire and could generate more problems. Also, if he says sorry to you after you take a privilige away, will that apology even be sincere? And after he apologises he might just go back to his old ways! Instead, you want to target the problem, and not the symptoms. Sit him down in his favourite chair and ask him calmy and slowly what values he wants to instill in his new baby when it is born. Ask him if he would consider talking to you about why you irritate him and tell him that there must be a better and more mature way of dealing with the fact he is angry at you than swearing at you. Don’t be too confronting, keep his defenses down. Keep the discussion open and listen to him when he speaks and stay assertive. Tell him you’re a team and you both just want the best for the baby! Keep it simple! I wish you all the best and good luck with everything!
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2005): Pregnancy can and should be a beautiful moment in the life of a woman and her partner. Couples in a happy, committed relationship must feel able to talk to each other about their feelings, opinions and anxieties. They must talk openly about their current circumstances and how children could impact their lives. They must discuss their hopes for the future and talk about how children fit into this plan. A pregnant woman must feel confident in involving her partner in her pregnancy and he must understand and be patient with what she's going through.
But, dear-a confident, good man would never tell his pregnant partner to F**k off and treat her with such disregard. Your BF has some immaturity and deep rooted emotional problems, probably due to his own insecurities and so unless he grows up, matures and becomes a 'grown-up'(not a spoiled boy) & realizes that he must love, cherish & protect you and his baby, you and the child may be in for a tough time ahead. Telling him yourself will likely just incur his wrath all the more and I worry about you and that baby. And ask yourself, if you have to always be tiptoeing around this man..what in the world will it be like when that new baby is in your home?? As much as we love our babies, they are demanding little people and they need their parents to constantly be vigilant and make sure their needs are met 24/7. I really question his patience, understanding and maturity to get through the early phases.
Couples in a happy, committed relationship may feel more able to talk to each other about their feelings, opinions and anxieties. Sometimes, especially with pregnancy, women will feel trapped as they are no longer just looking out for themselves. You need to be able to communicate your feelings , no matter what. And if he won't listen and is verbally abusing you, hun-you have a huge problem.
Violence has many faces and verbal abuse is one of them. Many pregnant women suffer emotional abuse and other forms & it may just worsen over time. Some of the things you can do to protect yourself. If he continues, you may have to leave to protect yourself and the baby but not without telling him to seek help with his abuse problems. If it comes to this, there are ways to help yourself:
Tell someone what is going on, choose the person you trust the most, your doctor, a counselor, or nurse Look for support from your family members, your friends, or shelter for women. Make a plan to escape in case of emergency
Have ready essential things such as medicines, money, keys, bankbook, etc. Baby clothes, their favorite toys, medicine, etc. There are Centers and Shelters that offer services in most areas. Break the silence and ask for help!
Nothing wastes more energy than stress and worry. The longer one carries a problem and denys it the heavier it gets. Be strong and have hope, dear. You and that baby deserve a life of serenity, not a life of regrets. The ball's in your court now...do what you have to do to ensure that baby has a happy, incredible life ahead.
Good luck
Hugs,
Irish
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A
female
reader, emz_xxxx +, writes (8 September 2005):
 Firstly, I want to congratulate you on your pregnancy! Secondly, men cannot treat a pregnant women like that, or any other women for that matter. It is wrong of him to do that to you, especially when you're about to have a baby. Maybe when he's cooled down, start saying something like your getting annoyed by his behaviour and you would like it to stop. If he doesn't say ok and he's sorry then the next time he does it then tell you've had enough and that if he can't respect you and your baby then you're going. I also agree with what Delila says especially the part where she says find your mans lever. She has a really good point and maybe you should try it.
All the best with your relationship and new baby!
Emz xxxx
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A
female
reader, Delila +, writes (8 September 2005):
Congratulations on your pregnancy. You are so right he has no right to talk to you that way and at the very least needs to apologise for his behavior when he has cooled down. Stay away from ultimatums as the rarely achieve anything. Find your mans lever(not sex) like does he like playing video games, or watching sport on tv, or you cooking him his favourite meal etc. You have told him that the behavior is not acceptable so if he does it again put his favourite game or the remote control in your handbag say nothing and go and stay with a friend. If and when he comes looking for you tell him you will come back when he says sorry.
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