A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been going out with my partner for three years and we have got engaged. She wants to get married, but I do not want to, epecially at the moment. I have not officially spoken to my parents about this and now my dad has just been diagonosed with Dementia. I am finding it a difficult situation, because she wants her own way quite a lot of the time and does not see why we should not get married. My partner is sterilised so we cannot have children anyway. Out income is not too high and we have high living costs. My mother has said that she is one sided and said that we should not get married because I do not How is it best to need this.What should I do to tell her that we should not get married. She also feels that my mother is treating her like a litle girl....
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2011): You're in your 40's. You need to think about what your future life will be, if it will be with this woman or alone or however you choose to spend it.
If you don't want to get married, then I'm wondering why you got engaged? If you did it to keep this woman in your life then that is not fair to her. Most people do expect to get married at some point after they get engaged, otherwise they don't bother.
I don't see what your father's illness has to do with you not getting married. It might be better to do it sooner so that he can participate in the ceremony if you've never married before. That might be something he would like to be able to see.
As the other reply says maybe it's time to let her know if you really don't want this.
A
female
reader, MamaBear  +, writes (23 March 2011):
A three-year engagement is a long time before going to he altar. I suggest you talk this over with your fiancee, let her down gently, either ask for your ring back or let her keep it, and then move on in your separate lives. If it has not happened by now, I doubt it will. You gave some good reasons for not wanting to get married. If she is pushing, then surely she can find someone else who is just as anxious to marry. Sorry that it had to come to this. You should have known after about the first year and called it quits. Learn a hard lesson from this.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2011): I understand that you are going through a difficult time right now--that can certainly make things more complicated. However, what were you expecting to happen after you two got engaged? Usually, an engagement only happens when two individuals anticipate getting married in the near future. How long have the two of you been engaged? Generally, engagements last 1-2 years. If you have just recently been engaged then I do not see a problem waiting another year. After all, weddings may take a long time to plan.Additionally, if the two of you are engaged, she has likely been expecting to get married--my fiance had things booked within a week of our engagement! If you are not interested in getting engaged, then it is probably time for you to call off the engagement so she can decide whether to stay with you or move on to someone else. Overall, it sounds to me like the two of you need to sit down and discuss your expectations from this engagement.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (22 March 2011):
 If you did not want to get married then its hard to see why you became engaged to your partner. I can understand that shes pushing things because if she is around your age, then she may feel time is running out for her to 'get hitched'
As hard as it seems, marriage is quite important to some people and because of the engagement, she might be one of those women who just see marriage as the next step.
I sympathise with you that your father is ill and it also seems your mother doesnt like the woman your attached to but your not a kid and you certainly dont need to listen to anyone else when making up your mind...so?...What do you want?
If you definitely do not want to get married, you should break the news to her as soon as possible and prepare yourself for war!!! and possibly a break up.
You could try explaining it's a bad time for you, but thats probably not going to cut it with her and if you have decided not to ever marry her then you have to let her go, so she can find someone who will meet her needs.
It's time to man up, stop listening to your mother and start laying down what it is you do want.
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A
female
reader, cupidus  +, writes (22 March 2011):
 An older gentleman, engaged, who is listening to his parents advice. Shouldn't it be up to you and your fiance when you will get married. Shouldn't this remain between the two of you. After all you're going to marry her eventually right?
You two, alone with your marriage, making your own lives together.
If I was your fiance I'd be quite miffed that you were discussing US with anyone but US. I'd also question your ability and maturity to handle the challenges of marriage.
IMO only.
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