A
female
age
41-50,
*onfusedWife2
writes:When I was a teenager While visiting family i met a boy, through high school we crushed back and forth on each other secretly and living in different ends of the country made it impossible for anything to happen. As young adults be told me he liked me and asked me to move to his area and try dating but I was in a relationship. We would lose touch and then reconnect every couple of years and those feelings always came back. Both married and now have kids, we reconnected a couple of years ago and remained friends, slowly getting closer over time. When I visit family in his area we met. This past year we started texting then calling each other. I’m not 100% happy in my marriage, my husband put more time into his work then our marriage. He feels the same way about his wife. Our text and messages are now very personal, talking about sex, booking up when I visit next and things like that. We both have admitted that we have feelings for each other. My annual trip to his area is in at the end of the month and he offered to take me out into the city To a concert and he wants us to stay at a hotel and we have talked about having sex jokingly. Neither one of us has ever cheated on it partners before. Am I making a mistake by joining him for the night ?
View related questions:
crush, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (27 May 2019):
 So you are not ruling out the possibility of having sex, which you have already jokingly discussed, but you are still planning on meeting with him? Let's not split hairs here: you ARE planning on having sex. There is no way you are going to meet after what has already gone on and NOT have sex. Just because you haven't actually said "let's meet and have sex" does not make it any less planned if you know the possibility (I would use the term "probability") is there.
You are an adult woman with a husband and children and all the responsibilities that entails. Play with fire at your own risk but don't then come back on here crying that your husband and left you and your children refuse to speak to you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2019): You won't realize the impact of your decision until you've fucked this piece of shit. It's the lowest of low to allow some other guy's cock inside you when you already have a man who loves you. Every marriage has issues. Be an adult and communicate with your husband and work together to fix them. Any man looks good when all they do is sweet talk!
...............................
A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (20 May 2019):
 Stop trying to pass it off as you’re not seriously considering it. Why else would you be here if you weren’t?
Either work on your marriage or divorce your husband. He can do better than someone who’s considering cheating.
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (20 May 2019):
 Guarantee or not, you're still cheating. IF YOU ARE UNHAPPY, LEAVE. Don't destroy your family with this emotional affair.
Male anon, what terrible advice. Being faithful to your partner isn't about "religious BS". It breaks people to find out their partner cheated on them. If you and your wife both cheated, that's awful, but your choice. If you both CONSENTED to the other sleeping with other people, that's an open relationship and is NOT an affair because everyone knew about and agreed to it.
OP, please. Stop making excuses. You are emotionally lusting after and joking about sex with another guy. That is cheating. Either try to fix your marriage or get a divorce. Do NOT break your husband or family. If your kids find out you cheated (emotionally or physically), how do you think they will see you for the rest of their lives? Put yourself in your husband or children's shoes. Your partner/parent cheated on you/your other parent. It DESTROYS people's trust in anyone and cheaters are rarely ever completely forgiven.
In regards to this guy, think about his family, even if he won't. Do not continue flirting with married/taken men and cut all contact with this guy because you will eventually meet up and physically cheat, with the excuse "we didn't plan it, it just happened", but you did expect it and did it anyway. It is still cheating, which you're already doing, whatever way you spin it.
Either go to couples' counselling with your husband or get a divorce and find a single guy to hook up with. Leave your family in tact, which you can do while married or after a divorce, provided you stop cheating. Do not betray them any more and end up with a Mum vs Dad situation for the kids. You will regret it because no affair is worth losing the trust and respect of your family.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (20 May 2019):
 It could happen, but it was not agreed upon already ?....
And what's the difference ?
If you know that it could probably happen and you still go meet him at the hotel, then you WANT it to happen. Because you are not taking any measures to prevent things from happening; in fact you are trying your best to make it easier.
Well, ok, you do not deny that you are beyond tempted , you'd be very interested in a tryst. Cool, your choice. But why then insisting that " you have not planned the details " ? So that you can use that stale , tacky, old cliche' of "..and then, one thing led to another… ". Aww please. You are an adult. Own your actions ! If you decide that your conscience and your marriage will be fine also if you allow yourself a dalliance, go ahead ; after all, you know them ( conscience and marriage ) better than us, you should know what they can or cannot handle. But why then being hypocritical and pretending that it's all a innocuous friendly joke just for a bit of laugh ?.. Or are you only ever able to laugh in hotel rooms behind closed doors ?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2019): To male anon, the perfect storm will be the demise of their marriages/lives as they know it! Your advice is ridiculous! You and your wife seem to know about each other's affairs. An OPEN relationship is way different than cheating WITHOUT consent, behind their spouse's backs. Religion has nothing to do with it! It's called decency, love, empathy, caring and commitment!!
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2019): He's like the perfect storm. Put a hop back in your step, go for it. Have a "same time next year" thing.
By the way, my wife and I both had affairs with nice people who came into our lives. Life's too short to obey religious BS.
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (19 May 2019):
Then stop doing everything for your husband and do stuff for yourself - EXCEPT flirting and cheating.
Jokingly talking about sex doesn’t cancel out your “Am I making a mistake by joining him for the night ?” Yes, yes you would be making a mistake. Get a divorce if you’re unhappy, don’t flirt with others while you have a partner.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (19 May 2019):
If it is a joke, it is a very inapptopriate one , particularly for two people who already have a spouse at home, nonetheless are flirting all the time, are in fact basically carrying on an emotional affair where both disclosed to the other of
" having feelings ".
The right thing to do would be to stop this flirtation right now and keep mutual distance so that you can
" starve " your infatuation rather than feeding bt planning secret rendez-vous.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2019): You're really trying to make this all sound like a joke so if you guys "accidentally" end up having sex, you can say you never meant it to happen. But you clearly want it to.
Everyone is shaming you for this and I just want to say: it's natural to be attracted to the excitement of someone else. But I went there, and I did it, and it wasn't worth it. I'm sure you feel like you deserve a little fun after everything you've done for your husband and family! Back then, I felt like I deserved to have a good time, too; I'd been in an accident and was upset about my scars, a close friend had just died suddenly, a whole lot had happened to me in a short amount of time and I felt like the world was conspiring against me. It felt good to take something for myself by flirting with someone else. I felt I deserved a new experience. I wanted to feel like someone new for one night, to try out a different life and do something just for me. And so I did it. And although my partner ultimately forgave me, I will never forgive myself for doing that to him, and to us, and to myself. Your partner may not be so forgiving as mine, and even if he is, you'll have to carry the guilt forever. You'll never be able to see yourself the same way again. Of course, my relationship has never been the same again, either. We had an innocence before, which we lost because of me.
Ask yourself: even if you think you deserve fun right now, do you deserve how shit you'll feel afterwards? You want to think about YOU right now, so let's think about you and how this will HARM you. Do you really want to suffer like that? Do you want to hurt yourself by potentially losing everything for one night of sex (which may not even be that good - for me, it was a let-down that did not live up to the hype from all the flirting)?. Treat yourself better than that. Don't put yourself through this. You wanted to hear from others who have been in a similar situation, and I am one. I am saying this with compassion. Don't do it. Don't even meet up with him.
...............................
A
female
reader, confusedWife2 +, writes (19 May 2019):
confusedWife2 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes it could happen but I said it was joked about not agreed upon and planned out in detail what would happen. Do I think the possibility is there yes but not a guarantee
...............................
A
male
reader, Pepi let pew  +, writes (19 May 2019):
 Here is an idea.. You could cancel the meet up and concentrate on working on your marriage. Saying your not 100 percent happy in your marriage is no excuse to start developing an emotional relationship that could lead on to a sexual relationship. Your husband is working so hard so you both can get ahead. Your looking for someone that has been in a similar situation. Your already cheating by developing an emotional relationship and talking about sexual things that should only be between you and your husband. I know because iv been down this path 10 years ago i CHEATED. Everybody loses.. You cant take it back. You cant blame your partner. You cant do anything but blame yourself. DONT DO IT. You will live with regret....
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2019): You are over stepping the BOUNDARIES OP and you KNOW it and that's WHY you're so defensive in your follow up! Suggesting and joking about sex with another (married!!) man is no laughing matter! It's still cheating! Stop contact with this PIG before you go down a slippery slope you'll regret. This guy will cheat with anyone! DON'T THINK YOU'RE SPECIAL!
...............................
A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (19 May 2019):
You asked if meeting this man would be a mistake. You weren’t joking, you were here asking if people would find it socially acceptable. You know it isn’t or else you wouldn’t be hoping for someone to validate your query.
...............................
A
female
reader, confusedWife2 +, writes (19 May 2019):
confusedWife2 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI’m the furthest thing from a narcissistic person that you will ever met, every single thing I have done since meeting my husband has been for him and our marriage. I put my career on hold because he wanted my to be a stay at home mom, every decision I make I do what I think my husband would
want or what he would like more.
I didn’t say I’m going to met this person and have wild kinky sex for hours. I just said we have joked about it.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2019): I'm a mistress. If you go through with this, you're going to regret it. It seems like he's the answer to all your problems and you are his. But he's really the devil in disguise. Pouncing on your vulnerability to feed off you like a vampire til he uses you all up and leaves you dying when he decides he's had enough or it was all a big "mistake." Cut him off NOW.
...............................
A
female
reader, confusedWife2 +, writes (18 May 2019):
confusedWife2 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI’m not saying we will have sex, yes we have joked about it but that’s it’s.
as for an emotional affair, yes I feel comfortable talking to him and sometimes the conversations might get a little flirty but we have not done anything physical.
I’m not excepting everyone to agree with me just thought maybe someone had been in a similar situation where even 20 years later you still had feelings for someone .
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (18 May 2019):
 This will fix nothing.
It will make your marriage even rockier.
No one is EVER 100% happy in their marriage ALL the time. That is unrealistic.
If you don't see a way for you and your husband to FIX what isn't working, then maybe you NEED to look at what else options you have - counseling, separation, divorce - NOT jumping into bed with another man.
You ARE already cheating (emotionally) on your husband, so you really need to take a hard look at your OWN actions here. Is that the actions of a loving wife? You claim YOU are unhappy because your husband work so much. Well, What are YOU doing to alleviate some of that responsibility that he has taken on his shoulders to PROVIDE a decent living for the two of you?
And IF you sleep with him, what's next? Sleep with some other dude? Your husband can screw whomever he wants?
You KEEP going down this CHEATER road and the ONLY one you will have to blame when shit hits the fan (and it will) is yourself.
Are you OK with your husband talking to another female LIKE you talk to this "old friend"? My guess is no, so WHY on Earth is it OK for you to do?
Sort OUT your marriage IF you WANT to stay married, if not - let your HARDWORKING husband be free to find himself a FAITHFUL partner.
...............................
A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (18 May 2019):
Of course you are, how could you possibly think you’re not? You’re discussing breaking your marriage vows. Cheating on the father of your children, you do understand what you’re suggesting?
On what lanes would this be okay? Were you expecting people to advise you to go for it?
Have you actually spoken to your husband about your unhappiness? Or just keeping quiet and hoping things will get better? If you’ve discussed it and things haven’t changed then you need to decide whether getting a divorce would be the correct step to take.
Cheating IS NOT a road you should be going down. How would you feel if your husband was on the verge of going out to fuck some other woman?
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (18 May 2019):
 Do you realise that you would be cheating on your children as well and not just on your husband? How do you think you're going to face everyone after you come back home from your love-making session? Are you going to casually serve breakfast to them and carry on like nothing has happened?
Unless someone is really cold and has absolutely zero feelings and zero morals, I don't think they would do what you're planning to do.
Why not divorce your husband before you fantasize about hot sex with old crushes? Why doesn't he divorce his wife? Are you both such cowards?
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (18 May 2019):
OP, yo're already cheating. You're emotionally cheating. Stop it. Cheating DESTROYS people - it destroys CHILDREN. It's never okay to cheat and it will BREAK your family.
If you're unhappy in your marriage, get couples' counselling and/or leave. Do NOT cheat any more and definitely do NOT meet with him. TALK to your husband, try therapy and if that doesn't work, LEAVE.
Your children, your husband and YOU deserve better than a betrayal. Kids do fine through divorce. They end up with trust issues when there's been an affair.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (18 May 2019):
How about you ask your husband and kids that question, while he asks his wife and kids?
Cheating is NEVER the answer. Either work on your marriages or end them. I bet you were both far less unhappy in your marriages before you reconnected and started reliving your youth. It is always a good excuse to say the marriage is not happy. No marriage is happy 100% of the time and few people are 100% happy at ANY time in their marriage. Grow up and stop trying to make excuses for cheating.
I doubt anything anyone says on here will make much difference to whether you two meet up and have sex or not. That is totally down to you and your morals. All I will say is, how will you look your husband and your children in the face when you come back? And what will happen if your husband finds out about your cheating?
The decision is yours and yours alone. We cannot stop ourselves feeling attracted to others just because we are in a relationship. However, how we choose to act on that attraction defines our morals. Life is all about choices.
...............................
|
