A
female
age
41-50,
*ella75
writes:I’ve asked for help in the past and am very grateful. Which is why i’m Asking again. As I need to process something clearly. I am 44 years old. Divorced twice ( arranged marriage in Asia and an alcoholic husband in the UK). I have worked all my life and support myself and never took anything away from the alcoholic husband. He still has the house. I have struggled a lot but I’ve somehow managed to go on. I got divorced in 2016 and I stayed celibate but was trying to go out and meet people. Last year, I was On a dating site and met a few people. One of the men is 39, has a good job but has never been married. We somehow fell into this pattern where it was just sex - we went out on one date - and this has gone on for a year. We’ve met once in a few months. . We did talk about it and i’ve Always said that I wanted a boyfriend to do things with as i’m Alone and I don’t need just sex. He hasn’t kept in touch over the last few weeks though he has been online. He used to talk about work, his family, send me pictures when he went out of town. And would keep in touch once every few days. It hasn’t helped that I am out of work but interviewing. He probably isn’t interested anymore and I understand. But what has upset me is that he was probably treating me like a standby till he could meet someone younger with whom he could have a family’. It hurts a lot to think that men would use me like that. Should I not date single never married men? I don’t want to date someone with children as I don’t have any of my own and don’t want to ‘compete’ in anyway. I feel sad and a bit lost. Why are men so cruel? Is that the way of the world? He could have been honest with me but strung me along while I’ve always told him that I wanted a boyfriend. Where am I going wrong?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2019): Just a little advice for you. Lots of women in the dating pool who never had kids are severely limiting themselves by excluding dads. In my view, dads are the better men. They have much more to offer. If you allowed yourself to date one, you'd see. If you worry about competition from their kids, you're thinking all wrong. They can love both. I'd relax your standards.
A
female
reader, Bella75 +, writes (19 May 2019):
Bella75 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Honeypie. Your answer was what I needed to hear. And I am interviewing for a new job and it’s my focus but I want to let this man go and not be around . Thank you. For your advice. Am stronger now and will cut my losses faster.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (19 May 2019):
 OP don't make the mistake of LETTING others direct your path in life.
If you don't feel this "thing" is going in the direction YOU want and that he has YOU on standby, then WISH him well and BLOCK all contact. YOU DON'T have to still talk to him as you have seen that it's NOT seemingly heading where you would like it to go.
One date in a period of several months... it's NOT really showing interest.
The LONGER you WASTE your time on someone who ISN'T a good match, the longer you will take to find someone who IS.
And don't make the mistake of thinking ALL single men without kids are ALL going to act the same, that's not realistic.
If you DO NOT want kids or date someone with kids, then DEFINITELY don't DATE men with kids or look at men with kids or men who might LIKE to have kids. It might "shrink" your dating pool but it will also prevent dating guy who WILL NOT be a good fit.
I would also suggest that you SAVE sex for when you BOTH think there is a basis for a relationship. It might TAKE a good 4-6 months of dating to figure out whether you are a good fit or not, but it's WORTH waiting for. Don't have SEX in hopes that it will make the guy DATE you and BE with you. SAVE the sex for someone YOU want to BE with and who WANTS to be with you too.
If you feel like a guy isn't all that interested in spending time with you (I'd say in person) then STOP wasting your time ON him. That way HE can not STRING you along. Put in as much effort and you get from him. Just like you can't really clap with one hand, you also can build a relationship without a partner who is WILLING to invest in you and the relationship.
You say this guy was probably keeping you on standby until he found a younger one. PURE SPECULATION and it helps no one, least of all YOU.
He was probably deciding that there wasn't "enough" to build something serious with you, but he kept you around because you SEEMED willing to have sex without being in a relationship. HE might even have thought that you WERE totally OK with something more casual. Even if you TOLD him you wanted a BF. After all, you STUCK around.
KNOW what you want from a relationship. Or at least HAVE an idea of what you want. It makes it easier to find someone with the same ideals, value and morals.
Right now though, focus on finding a new job.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (18 May 2019):
 It's all very well deciding you will only date men who have no children but you also need to discover, quite early in the relationship, whether they have no children out of CHOICE, and NEVER want any, or whether they are still HOPING to have some.
Whether your ex kept you as a "plan B" only he knows. Perhaps he simply decided, after a while, that you were not what he was looking for. After all, that is the whole purpose of dating: weeding out the ones who are not suitable until you find one who is.
You can, if you wish, add "single never married men" to your list of men you will not date but, by doing so, you will make your choice even narrower than it is already. You have already ruled out anyone with children, which must be a vast majority of more mature men. Some would see your discrimination against these men as "cruel" but it is simply your choice, which you are allowed. However, ever choice comes with a price. You choose to date only men without children (and are possibly going to also exclude any of these if they have not been previously married); the price you will pay for this is a much narrower selection of potential dates. Your choice.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2019): Men tend to be very selfish probably because their time to have children is less limited than women’s and they can be
I mean even men who have no intention or desire to have children can be seen using the excuse of women being of childbearing age just to get younger women then not having kids with them
Other men waste women’s fertile time putting off having kids then leave them for younger women after long relationships wheh the women hit menopause . I personally know a couple of women this has happened to
Then again you have other men who have children with women then leave the women to raise those children or after years of loyalty from their wives for a younger model
Anddddd of course you get the occasional good guy who isn’t superficial and loves a woman for more than her youth and fertility
Why are men cruel ? Some would say nature and some would say nurture
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