A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am so conflicted in my thoughts that I can’t think straight. I figured that writing it down may help but as I begin to write I don’t know where to start. I know this much though that in these pages I need to confront myself…be true to myself as I may not have been always..So …what am I feeling…Longings..i suppose that is true..intense, inexplicable, uncontrollable desire to hear from him, to call him , to see him. I want to be with him…only yesterday I heard this song – “I would move the world to be with you but the gap is still too wide”. That is exactly how I feel…I want to rush into his arms like I always do and escape from the mind-numbing pain of trying..trying to stop this that is not right, trying to stop that which should not have started in the first place and should not have gone on for this long…So…we have known each other for 6 years and have had this affair for 5…can I even call it an affair ?We meet secretly sometimes weekly, sometimes biweekly, sometimes monthly..we have sex, split the cost of the room and leave…he had often expressed how intensely he desires me but always only physically…he has never said anything warm or brought any gifts …we have never gone out for lunches or dinners or movies…nops..none of that…so I don’t know if this even deserves to be called an affair .And now another dreaded secret…I have never really cum with him…I have pretended to…and have intensely enjoyed sex with him but I have never cum…I don’t know why…I feels it’s the time pressure…when we meet its always in the afternoons for an hour or so..with clock ticking away I find myself trying to please him instead of myself…That said…I am not over yet am I, in my confessions…When I travel or when I am out of country for weeks I don’t think that much about him. But upon my return, he contacts me..tells me how much he missed me ( physically ofcourse) and there the whole spiral web engulfs me again..i can’t find the strength to resist.Finally, we are both married. He is among our closest family friends. We often meet socially with family( almost every weekend). He seems to be happily married with 3 kids. I believe I have a good marriage too. My husband is a good guy and a good father. Yes we have a child as well. Mine was an arranged marriage and I found myself not very sexually attracted to my husband a few months after marriage. But he is a very supportive and kind guy and now that we have a child he is an excellent father to her.So this is the situation I find myself in. Two weeks back we decided ( the other guy and I ) that we need to stop seeing each other. We both felt that it will be a tough thing to do but one that needs to be done. I believe that I was the one who suggested that we stop and he agreed although he was somewhat uncertain. Now that brings me to my present situation. I constantly think about him, I just can’t find a way to stifle the urge to reach out to him, to see him , to be with him. And the funny thing is that I am not even sure of my feelings for him. Do I love him ? I don’t know ? I don’t know if he loves me. He has of course never said or done anything to show that despite all these years of sharing some very intimate time in bed. I think I have said enough now…and am all ears…I do need some sound advise.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2011): is it only physical with this guy, or do you have an emotional connection as well? maybe you two are meant to be together, you married the wrong people and that's why when circumstances brought you together you are so drawn to each other and can't pull yourselves away.
If so, be honest about it. Share your feelings with him, see if he shares your feelings, I think he probably does. Decide to end your marriages. Ending marriages is scary because you are turning other people's lives upside down. But it has to be done if the present marriage is all wrong. It's not a marriage anymore if your mind and heart has been with someone else for so long. However much your husband will be hurt if you divorce him, he will be more hurt if you continue staying married to him and he one day finds out about your affair. And the longer the affair goes on, the greater the chance of being found out.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2011): "...He is among our closest family friends. We often meet socially with family( almost every weekend)...."
These words are the ultimate betrayal,isn't it? Do you know how sick this is, having your lover in your home and you in his? Some people have no qualms inflicting the ultimate betrayal upon their spouses Therefore they bring their lovers into their homes. It is like a sick joke, a perverted sense os secrecy that only the illicit 2 indulge in.
I can just imagine the games you both play, sneaky smiles, subtle sexual undertones while in the presence of your spouses. A look, a touch, and further humiliating your spouses. Dammit your hb and this mans wife does not deserve this - this blatant humiliation and blatant disrespect you have bestowed upon them.
Just bec you have had an arranged marriage does not give you the right to sleep around with this man. Who takes care of your little girl when you sneak away for sexual indulgence. Do you abandon her for a few hours while you are having sex? Being a cheating wife is one thing, being a neglectful mother is another.
To your married man you are just a piece of meat to use, abuse, enjoy and throw away. This man has no respect for you. He even makes you pay half for your sex venue. Smart man! After all why must he invest in nothingness.
I agree with the others. Your hb deserves better. And better is not you. Please do the only decent thing (if you can) and Release him. Release him to find a faithful wife who will love him, cherish him, want to make love to him and some who will be faithful to him.
You have long gone from your marriage. Stop being selfish and end this mockery you have made of your marriage and hb.
You were almost still a newly wed when you started having sex with this married man. How did you manage it. Did you pretend to befriend his wife? His kids? His family space? And him your family space? Him pretending to be your hbs friend? Perhaps even pretending to listen as your hbs confidant??? Then you both swap stories/pillow talk, comparing notes? Laughing and mocking your spouses??? Vile isn't it?
I believe that there is no way you can be a faithful wife to your hb, you have disrespected him and betrayed him and you have emasculated him. Enough is enough.
Do you want to change your ways? Do you want to become a better person? Do you want to make up for the errors of your ways? Then start with the truth. What do u have to lose. Your married lover is tired of you already. Perhaps he has found someone better in bed. It is obvious that he has replaced you.
You have not said that you want to salvage your marriage so I will not suggest marital counselling. You have done everything sexually with your lover and you withhold this from your hb. You pretend to be conservative in bed but you give the best to your lover. You have stripped whatever dignity you possessed for this man. This is not right. Your hb deserves better.
You are married for 6 years, sleeping around with your lover for 5. How old is your daughter. I am sure the other aunts may have wondered whose kid this is. Are you certain this kid is your hbs and not your lovers? How certain are you? Please have a paternity test done (even if you get it done in secret). It will be a double blow if your hb was raising your lovers kid!
Do you have any time frames to end your marriage?
What do you claim from your hb?
Custody of the child- please consider sole/joint custody with your hb. I think your kid is better off as the primary caregiver. Your daughter loves her dad and he does love her as well. So it is only fair for him to get this child and rear her in the correct decent manner. You mentioned you travel a lot, yet again your kid is left with her dad. When you meet your lover for sex I am sure you get him to babysit her as well. Can you see that he is already the primary caregiver in your absence?
You have mentioned that your hb is a good man, a better provider. I am sure there will be lots of women who will take pleasure in treating him right. He can have his choice of women who will become the proper lifepartner for him. I believe he deserves this, don't you?
How about having discretion and decency and stop inviting your lover to your home and you respecting your lovers wife and also abiding by this as well.?
The buck stops here. The lies humiliation, hurt, betrayal comes to an end. Your games are up. Your lover has spoken. This affair has long passed its sell by date and now the aftermath of the adultery starts.
Now the secret lives end and now you account for the betrayal. This is called Karma or consequences.
You will noticed that you have not been given much sympathy by the Aunts. I think what grates everyone is that you parade your lover in front of your hb in the guise of a friend, and your lover does the same with you as well.
Do the only honorable thing and divorce your hb. Let him keep the kid bec he loves her unconditionally. Allow him that at least since you have stripped him of everything else.
You destroyed a good decent man , you drstroyed a home all for sex. I hope it was worth it!
LoveGirl
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2011): A bit of an oxymoron, being in a good marriage to a good guy, how is it a marriage if you're cheating on him left, right and centre. You are breaking your vows to your husband and the responsibility you have to your family. Is sex more important than your family because if you're discovered it will definitely be over. So when he comes over with his family, do you find it exciting? Covering up body language, stolen glances so your spouses won't discover your connection to each other? There is not one single moment when you're being honest to your "good" guy husband, thinking about another man when you're apart from him then having sex with him when you're together. Karma often has a way of coming back to bite you, but your decisions will determine this because once you get caught everything will change and nothing will ever be the same. Divorce your husband and do him a favour, then you can have all the meaningless fun you like.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone . I greatly appreciate all your advice and fully concur. Thanks much for putting things in perspective for me.
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A
female
reader, TexasTexas +, writes (10 February 2011):
You are not having an affair. You are simply his "side piece".
I don't know your husband, but I hurt for him. Knowing that his wife is sleeping with someone who he obvioulsy considers a friend. Otherwie ya'll would not be socializing on weekends. And his wife is probably your "friend"...
FIVE YEARS? Where is your self-esteem? In the bottom of the ocean.
Imagine yourself on stage with him. Your husband, his wife, in-laws, children, aunts, uncles, etc. ---- EVERYONE who loves, respects, and supports you. They are all in the audience. They are there to hear the two of you talk explain your affair.
What do their faces look like? Appalled? Is your shame unspeakable? Do you crumple into the fetal position when his other side-pieces walk out onto the stage?
It will eventually get out. Somebody will talk. Your husband might find this very post that you wrote. His wife will track a hotel bill.
I agree with the response who said you need to end it with your husband so that HE can find a deserving woman.
It will take you years to forgive yourself for this.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2011): you and your lover should both end your marriages. I mean, you've been having an affair for what, 5 years? you've already left your marriage in your heart and mind. whether you two should be together is an entirely different story, but I think you two should not stay in your marriages because the marriages have already been wrecked, they are just lies now. Your husband and his wife have no clue that their marriages are lies. Please don't deceive them any longer, let them find other people who do want to be with them
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2011): You think you feel bad right now?It's going to get much, much worse. Not only for you but for all innocent parties to this. Namely his family and your own.You cheated. Arranged marriage or not, if you did not love your husband then the right thing would have been to divorce him if there was no chance of reconciling.Instead you chose make a mockery of the marriage ritual (in which you take a solemn oath not to do as you have done) and insulted those that truly believe in the sanctity of marriage.THe only way out for you now, with any honour at all, is to come clean to you husband about the whole thing. Explain how it began and why you are choosing to reveal it now and why you think it best that he finds someone who can give him the type of marriage he deserves.Flynn 24
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2011): If you value your husband and child, your current situation, and want to keep them as is then you better resolve to stop immediately. I feel it is too late already, however, you have broken your vows. In fact you have already exited the marriage. If your husband finds out and confronts you then he will likely end it himself. If he doesn't find out then you have a good chance to save your marriage/family life.My wife cheated on me. Funny, because we love each other. She is smart, sexy, warm, loving person but her cheating has totally destroyed our family. My two boys are 17 and 19 and off to college and my wife is alone for now. I am alone and missing my kids and wife but I would never trust her again. The betrayal of the marriage is insidious and never goes away. You either live with it or you decide it is too tough. I found another wonderful woman whom I can trust and love and hope to live with her within the coming year (separate cities).
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2011): of course he doesn't want to end it, he's getting a good deal. He has his family and the outward appearances of a normal happy family life. Then he has a good time in bed with you.Probably he doesn't love you, he's just using you for physical fulfillment and you're using him for the same. You are friends with benefits, nothing more.Or maybe he does have deeper feelings for you but doesn't give you gifts or go for dinners because those would be more evidence that can blow your secret cover. the more you do that can leave a paper trail, the more likely to be discovered.Or maybe because in some twisted way maybe he feels that right now when it's all just physical it's somehow more morally acceptable than if he were to also share and show feelings like buying you gifts. At least if it's just physical he can rationalize that it "means' nothing." It allows him to compartmentalize you, and his wife. With you he does the physical stuff. with his wife he buys gifts, takes her out to dinner etc. With you it's just friends with benefits. But if you two were to share a bigger part of your lives with each other and display signs of love and affection, this is heading into real relationship territory and would then be more threatening to his marriage because now there's a real possibility of leaving the marriage because there's another real relationship in the picture.
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A
female
reader, ashley187 +, writes (9 February 2011):
 Maybe you are missing something at home so you are trying to find that in him . Do you and your husband communicate well at home, and have a good sex life? If those areas need worked on, when you yearn for this guy..reach for your husband instead because clearly you don't want to leave your husband. Affairs can be exciting but devastating to you if someone finds out and your husband leaves. You say your not sure of your feelings for the other guy, butyou state that you love your husband. I think you know what to do; even though it might be difficult.
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