A
female
age
41-50,
*ordwhale
writes:I'm a 30 year old woman who is engaged to be married to a wonderful man. Our relationship is strong and caring and I am very happy with him. The problem is that I recently realized that I (still) have a very strong crush on a female roommate from college. When we were roommates we both got drunk and I confessed to her that I loved her and that I would like to kiss her. When I asked her what she thought about that, she just smiled. I chickened out and I didn't kiss her. We ended up falling asleep and nothing happened. I guess I felt bold enough to tell her this because I had picked up lesbian vibes from her and because she had whispered to me that I was very hot earlier that night. Neither of us have mentioned or talked about the incident since it happened. I was so embarrassed by it, that I actually sort of started avoiding our friendship. Since then, we've stayed in contact over the years but it's as if the incident never happened. Recently, she and her fiance came to visit my fiance and I and I realized I am very physically attracted to her. It's difficult for me to know what she feels although I sense that she remembers the incident as well.Here's my 3 issues:1. I really want to bring it up to her to know how she feels about it and to explain that my embarrassment over the issue is why I haven't stayed in contact with her the way I should have (as a friend). I don't know how to approach her though and I'm afraid I may have read her wrong. How should I go about this?2. Should I tell my fiance about my attraction to her? He knows I'm bi and has accepted this part of me. He has told me that if I ever want to act on my attraction I can as long as I'm safe.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, wordwhale +, writes (21 January 2011):
wordwhale is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUPDATE: so I took Fabulosa's advice and decided to test the waters via text msg. I texted my friend and told her how much I enjoyed her visit and that I hope her fiance knows how lucky he is to have such a smart and hot woman. She responded by saying thank you and that she enjoyed it too and that her fiance said she should have me around more. I then apologized for being out of touch and explained that it was b/c I was embarrassed by the question I asked her that night. She responded by saying I shouldn't be embarrassed and that she loves me and considers me one of her closest friends. I pressed futher and told her I've been curious about what her answer would have been (yes to kiss her or no).she asked me "you mean the question from graduation night" and I told her yes. She said her answer was yes. That's about it. We didn't exchange much more and I've concluded a few things: I think she's actually into women probably loves me but because of her career (she's on her way to a potentially powerful position) she'll never admit anything via phone, text, or email. Our upcoming marriages certainly complicate things and I don't want to start any trouble. Or, maybe its all nothing though I doubt that. For now I will have to just lust after her from afar. I'm thinking of asking if I can visit her, but I'm a little afraod tof do so.
A
female
reader, Fabulosa +, writes (3 January 2011):
 Tell her before the wedding. Text her jokingly like "he's a lucky man! If I was not so tired that one night in college......" and end it with a lol or something... anyways let us know what happens!
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A
female
reader, wordwhale +, writes (3 January 2011):
wordwhale is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to everyone for your advice. I think I will approach her about it and tell my fiance as well. How do you suggest that I approach her about this? Text message, phone conversation, email? What should I say? The next time I will probably see her is at her wedding and I know that's not appropriate. Advice please!
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A
female
reader, Fabulosa +, writes (3 January 2011):
Talk to him and see what he says about the situation. Maybe he can he will help u talk to her if that's what u want to do
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2011): Look if you want an open relationship, then date. Once you commit to one person, commit to them. Don't half arse it.
I'm not old fashioned by any means. I am not a big believer in marriage (it's a religious ceremony and I am not a religious person, it would make me a hypocrite to go through with such a ceremony) and thats fine it's just how I am, but for those that are wanting marriage to turn that back on that institution... shame.
You and your fiance need to talk. Because once you commit to the point where you are engaged and getting married, you give up the right to have sex with others unless your respective partner is involved in it (plenty of couples use threesomes to add fire to a love life that has become stale, and as long as boundaries are clearly set and obeyed, and no emotional or sexual attachments are formed to the third party... I see no problems).
I;m sorry, but to get potentially involved in a marriage and then ignore the whole point of it... it just degrades the event.
Flynn 24
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2011): depending other weather your attraction to her is mental or sexually, your answer will differ. if you are i love with her you will only feel depressed for getting married. if she feels the same way you should be together. if not then dont waste your time. you need to find who you are more happy. with him or her x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2011): It is heard of for a married woman to be involvedin a lesbian relationship and the husband be fully aware of it. I'm sure if your husband knows that you are bi if you say to him that you are attracted to another woman he may be fine with the relationship and vice versa.
If you want to go really wild you could have a threesome or an orgy to settle the matter.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2011): i think that, if you have strong feelings for her ( that u can't get over them) than yes you should tell ur fiance about it, cz he has the right to know
if it's a sexual attraction, i think you should tell him also, if he already accepted you being bi, than i think he'll understand you
if it's something that you can forget and over look, than don't tell him, it doesn't worse making him worry about it, or make him rethink and reevaluate his friendship with the other couple you mentioned
when it comes to her.... i think you should talk to her about it ONLY IF you tell ur fiance first
IF you like her till you might reevaluate ur engagement., than do it, and speak to ur fiance as well....
if it's not a flame, don't let it go away...
if it is a flame, than don't let ur engagement be ruined
so to cut it short... tell ur bf, unless you're sure that the attraction to the other girl is nothing serious
and when it comes to the girl, tell her, if ur feelings are serious for her, and if u're ready to let her know u're bi
tc
and let us know how things go
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2011): "He has told me that if I ever want to act on my attraction I can as long as I'm safe"?
i really didn;t get what that means... is he allowing you to ... like... allowing you to have sex with other peepz as long as u're safe... really sorry but i didn't get that part!
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