A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Huge problem. I went through my boyfriend's phone almost a year ago, found nothing, but he got really pissed and I promised never to again. But I did tonight. And I'm freaking out a little because his friend (a girl) texted him saying if she didn't text him back, it's because she wasn't home and forgot her charger. He didn't text her before that, though, so idk how much to make of that. BUT he had 4 pictures of his "area" and when I asked about them (yes, I confronted him right away), he said that he sent them to me. I pulled out my phone and repeated that I never got them. Then he said he was gonna send them to me but I ended up going over that night. ??? Why the change? He insisted that he's open, and all he asks for is privacy on his phone, but what...he expects trust then me to trust him blindly? I mean, they are easy explanations, but I just hope to god they're true. And weird thing is, when I got home, he had already calmed down and was being nice, when it usually takes him until the next morning to calm down. Guilty conscience? Am I being crazy or reasonable? I finally got my proof that he was being honest about deleting his facebook account, but now this other stuf...
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUnexpected twist. He did break up with me but he did it through text. I wanted to talk in person so we hung out. We ended up having a great time. We told each other how we still loved each other and discussed how awkward things were. But we ended up having deeper conversation and we agreed that some space would be good for us since we weren't friends that long beforehand and we got too comfortable too quickly with each other. So we didn't promise a reunion but we agreed we would be more open with each other and also give each other space. We work at the same place so I'm going to transfer, he's going to go for another job or stay where he is, and we're going to be there for each other if we want to talk. Just no couple stuff. I thought it was over forever but even when I said it was probably better we remain friends for now for us to focus on ourselves, he said, "but how long?" he was actually missing me already. So we're going to see where giving each other space gets us.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2011): you probably destroyed his trust in you when you went snooping the first time. You had no right to do that. It's not surprising that he changed the way he feels about you ever since. Maybe now he's being dishonest to you on purpose. But you set the tone of this relationship.
I dont' see much hope for this relationship except in you changing yourself to be less on edge and insecure. But maybe by now he really is hiding things from you because he no longer trusts you. It's just a pity that he didn't break up with you rather than stay on if he didn't trust you.
You need to see a counselor or a therapist so you can get your anxiety and insecurity under control before it destroys your next relationship too. I get that you've been betrayed in the past and that's why you're like this now. That's understandable but now that you know the cause of your insecurity you should do something productive about it. your efforts to handle it on your own have failed, that's not a judgment on you or your capability just a statement of fact. so it's time to seek professional help before your baggage from your past relationships destroys your next relationship too.
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (2 December 2011):
 You went snooping... and now are disappointed at what you found.... How far to you want to take this game?????
Good luck....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2011): With the extra details, you know you have trust issues, and you need help to overcome them. Everyone can understand wanting to protect yourself, but you checked he wasn't up to anything, then because he lacked trust in you after you betrayed his trust and went through his phone, he didn't trust leaving it around you and you took it as a sign to go and look through it again. I know that your ex hurt you, but you risk losing this man if you can't trust him. Maybe he is up to something, but more likely I would think he is simply trying to not feed your insecurities, because any little thing that you find, you will take as a sign he is lying to you, how can he compete with that. Not for him, but for your own piece of mind, get some help working on your insecutities, and learn to trust again. Good Luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo answer everyone's questions about my trust, his trustworthiness, and the deleted facebook:After my last relationship of the guy telling me how highly he thought of me, then dragging me down by his actions, I haven't been able to really trust anyone else. That goes for my boyfriend. After about 5 months of being together, the distrust began for absolutely no reason and I tried to work through it but it hasn't gone completely away. Plus, after the first time I went through his phone, even though I found nothing, he didn't trust me around it and stopped leaving it around and took it with him most places, even to the bathroom. Now, I get that I broke his trust, but as I was trying to get over my insecurity and my distrust, this just made it worse. I have never caught him in a lie, so to speak. He claims he's never lied to me and I lied to him a total of 2 times (they were very small lies, believe me) and he's "still working on trusting me."As for the Facebook account, I was getting jealous over certain girls on his account, and he was sick of it, so he deleted it. A while later, I searched his name out of curiosity and found a profile I'd never seen of his. I sent a request then asked him about it, but by the time he went to search for it, it had been deactivated. He was out picking up Battlefield 3 when this happened, so I know it wasn't him. So when he told me that he found out his friend was using the account to get a hold of his wife while he was overseas, I knew it had to be true, and his friend deleted it. However, about a month later when I was on his computer when he went to take a shower--I was not snooping this time--I went to type in forever21.com (I'm obsessed and he knows this because I have it bookmarked on all my electronics and even have the app), but once I typed 'f', facebook.com showed up. I went onto the page and saw his email on it when I typed in 'f' again, the URL dropdown showed two girls' profiles that he went on. I asked him about it and he immediately got mad, accused me of snooping, and deleted his history. Only 20 minutes later when he calmed down did he tell me that he let his friend reactivate his facebook to talk to his wife, but when he logged on himself, he saw that his friend was flirting with other girls, but these girls knew it was his friend and not my boyfriend. He says that one of the girls (who is his friend that had texted him that she wouldn't be able to text him back last night, might I add) was the girl his friend was flirting with, so he wanted to see what exactly his friend said. Then he said the other chick was his friend's wife. So I thought it through and figured it didn't really matter whose profile he went on, but just that he didn't lie to me. And he said that after he found out his friend was using his facebook to flirt with other women, he deactivated it. I have to say, I didn't believe him. But this is why I said it was proven that he did. I NEVER asked him to delete it. He did it by choice every time.But the text from this girl makes me wonder why she needed to tell him that she wouldn't be texting back that night if he texted her. (I know her name, but she's one of his friends from back home in another state, so I don't really know her, but I do know she started talking to him again after her divorce from her husband...apparently he didn't let her talk to her guy friends? But idk.) Plus the pictures make me wonder. Yes, we exchange pictures here and there, but his pictures to me aren't very often. And I did come over two nights unexpectedly, but one of those nights, he had shown me all his pictures, and those weren't there... All his texts from before yesterday were deleted too. The thing that made it fishy was his changing of the story. "I sent them to you." Picked up my phone, while he stares at the tv, and say I didn't get them. Kept scrolling through my messages for the past week, and said, "Yep. Nothing." ONLY THEN to have him say that he was GOING TO send them to me, but then I came over?I know I have no right to go through his phone. And I tried for the longest time to live by: if he is doing anything wrong, then he'll either tell me or he won't, and all I have to do is hope that he comes to his senses and tells me if he wrongs me. But temptation got the best of me...And to make matters worse, I don't really feel bad. I feel more betrayed than sorry (even though I'm the one who openly betrayed him) because I feel like he's not telling the truth. And I actually regret telling him I went through his phone since I could have had more opportunities to go through it and find out the truth and more details to see if anything really was going on. Now he'll just be even more secretive and I'll never know. Call me crazy, stupid, but I was about to get married to my ex then figured out he practically lied to me about everything. Forgive me for wanting to protect myself from this guy that I love even more than the last. I'm scared and distrusting, and I don't expect everyone to get that, and I do know that I'm not in the right, but I'm just asking for help and what you guys think he may be up to, if anything.I do want to be with him, but it's my past that haunts me, so I'm not going to just let him go for not trusting him.SORRY FOR THE NOVEL.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (1 December 2011):
 The pictures and the explanation are upsetting and I would also suspect that he was sending them to someone else... I mean why would I need pictures of his genitalia if i get to see it IRL?
You went through his phone last year and then again this year... you clearly do not trust him. IF you don't trust him, why are you with him?
why does he need to delete his facebook page? is he NOT trusted enough to have a life without you?
I think it's time to re-evaluate why you stay with a man you don't trust.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (1 December 2011):
 In my opinion you SHOULD be able to trust your partner 100%, unless they have given you reason not too. And if they have given you reason not too, that needs to be worked out.
When you start to snoop his phone it shows a HUGE lack of trust and respect for him.
For him to have dick-shots on his phone that he never send you is a red flag to me, who the heck have photos of their privates on their phone? Seriously?
And what's with the Facebook Page? You made him delete it ? Or what did I miss?
You are going to end up going crazy over this. If you want to work things out with him I suggest the two of you talk about what is OK, and what is NOT OK in your relationship. Talk about values and morals, BE on the same page. Also, figure out HOW this guy can show you that he is worthy of your trust.
And honey, stop snooping.
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A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (1 December 2011):
 Hi,
It's horrible to live this way. Feeling doubts, and unfortunelty you start becoming paranoid about everything. So exhausting....
Before you start accusing him, and making any decisions get to the bottom... Ask all the questions you want, and demand truthful answers.
First thing you need to ask him is to explain about the text from that female? Do you know her? What's the story about "sorry didn't text you back because didn't charge phone? Did your boyfriend contact her first? What's the conversation about? Why she was supposed to text him back that night? Is your boyfriend mutual friends with this female? Also, the pictures of his private saved on his phone? He said he was going to send them to you? Ask about that again...
Your boyfriend has proven to you that he's been a good boyfriend so far, so give him a chance to explain...
Good luck
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A
male
reader, serenity80  +, writes (1 December 2011):
I don't think having photos of your bits on your phone constitutes him cheating. I don't know, it seems to me that you need to detail more about what is going on in the relationship. What is the deleting facebook account about? You seem to have trust issues and whether founded or not, remember that if you look hard enough you will always see things that "prove" that you're right. There's definitely no trust going on in this relationship, and you either need to fix that or move on as if you don't, it's going to break you up any way.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2011): You may be his girlfriend, but you have no right to go through his phone at all. He has a right to privacy. You have trust issues, and you need to sort out your issues.
Even if he had cheated in the past, it still doesn't give you the right to go through his phone, it's disrespectful and just wrong. If you don't trust him, why are you with him. Why did he have to prove to you that he deleted his facebook page? Why did he have to delete it? Without more information, I can only go on what you have said. You are being unreasonable and controlling, work on those issues. He may be up to something, but the way you are going about this, he isn't going to leave any proof where he knows you will find it because he knows you will look, and he can't trust you when you promise not to invade his privacy and look in his phone. No trust = No relationship. Sorry but you did the wrong thing, you are trying to control him and checking up on him, are you his girlfriend or his mother? Sorry if it seems harsh, but I am only going on what you have written in your post. As far as you looking in his phone at all, that is wrong no matter what the reasons. Good Luck
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2011): You're not being crazy. First off, sorry these things are happening. I know they may not be major, but if little bells and red flags are waving, then you must honor those feelings. Nobody knows your gut feeling better than you do. I have had similar things happen that don't quite add up. While I'm still weighing the options and therefor not the best for advice, I will say that you must trust your own instincts.
The only thing that made me sad is that I've heard the phone privacy thing from my guy too. I hate it. Even in an emergency he will NOT let me use his phone. There's something wrong with those priorities...
Best of luck, and remember to listen to those little inner voices.
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (1 December 2011):
You know this is over, don't you?
First of all, if you didn't receive those photos, he's a liar and maybe he's up to something.
Secondly, you don't have any trust in him and you never did. You don't have the right do go through someone's phone, whoever they are. You went through it once last year, found nothing then broke that promise and went through it again. And yes, the whole point of being with someone is that you trust them.
And what's with him having to delete his facebook page too?
Either he's cheated before and there's a lot you're not telling us, or you have major trust issues that need some serious attention. So I hope you come back and at least tell us what else has been happening for your relationship to get to this stage, and why you felt the need to break a promise about going through his phone.
Either way, there's no trust here at all. Neither of you are working on that. And he's most likely up to something.
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female
reader, Tyedyedturtle +, writes (1 December 2011):
 The pictures are suspicious and I can see being upset. However, you haven't trusted him from the get go. Why? If you can't trust someone, how can you possibly have an enjoyable or lasting relationship? Reevaluate why you lacked trust before and why you still stay with him today. Good luck.
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