A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I think I'm addicted to the feeling of falling in love, the one that's not supposed to last. I always pictured my dream relationship to be like I'm falling in love with the person all over again every day for the rest of my life. But now I see that that's not how it's supposed to be. you fall in love, you get this rush, as if you're high on a drug, and then it fades, but the love is there and it starts to grow. I now see this, but I think I've been fighting with my significant other for so long to bring that feeling back, because I thought it should last forever. I think all the fighting we've been going through is because of that reason, and I never knew it until now. Is it too late to fix things? How do I know I'm still in love with my significant other? How do I know if I'm just 'comfortable'? I want to try to make things better. I just never realized how much I miss that feeling, and how much I want it back. I've always pictured my relationship to be so romantic, all the time, like a movie. Is that unrealistic? are there no exceptions? I always thought my love would be different, would be perfect. Now I don't know anything anymore.. Please help! Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for the wonderful answers!!
To ChaliceODamnation- I do actually come from a single parent home, I never thought I had an issues until now. I can't afford a councilor at this moment, maybe someday.
To Odds- I really like your answer. The thing is, I feel like I've tried so many times to do little romantic things, and I feel like they work for the most part, but I'm always the one initiating things, which makes me feel like I'm the only one interested in keeping the romance alive. So then eventually I ended up bringing it up in conversation, hoping to have the efforts returned. I can't even get him to say romantic things, which is really all I need. He knows I don't feel first in his life, and I really need to feel first, yet nothing seems to happen for him to show me that I AM first. When I do mention that, he says that I am first, but it's only during those stressful conversations that he says it, not any other time.
To Chigirl- I fear that you are right, we're not meant for each other. I may be too comfortable with him, but still, as I am a romantic as well, I do fight everyday to bring the romance back. And I've felt like that for the past year, like I'm fighting for this relationship, and I'm the only one fighting for it... We had another conversation, this one was more blunt and took about 2 days to get everything out in the open. I'm hoping things change, but if they don't, I don't want to waste my time living an unhappy life. I'm glad to hear that you've kept that feeling going for a year, it makes me hopeful. Also, as someone has mentioned, she still gets a buzz here and there from her significant other, even now after that initial feeling of infatuation is over. I'm not getting any buzzes at all, even though I try so hard to bring it back.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2011): That new rush of love/lust is a wonderful feeling but I guess when it comes to longer term relationships, its only natural this feeling will fade. Instead comes the next step which is the deeper love, and theres also the comfortableness and arguing and commitment and sharing other things together.There is nothing wrong with enjoying that initial love rush feeling but what you need to do is realise that it may not last forever.I definitely am not experienced in long term relationships, i've had a couple but i know right now after 2 years, i still feel that buzz. I know this guy is the one for me, we live together and yet he still amazes me regularly with how fantastic he is. Instead of it being the nice nervous, amazed feeling at the beginning of the relationship, its the excited in love feeling of actually sharing my life with this amazing person and planning things like marriage and children, but also houses, holidays and other dreams.The other thing to think is that maybe you just havent found this person? Or maybe you have had such high expectations of what you should feel that you just havent been letting yourself feel what you need to.If you love your guy, stop expecting anything of him. Take a step back and realise all the difference he has made in your life. Start to work out whether you do have the same wants in life, whether he can meet your needs emotionally and however else.Also another thought is maybe try doing some things that you would normally do when first dating someone. Arrange a random date with him, or a nice romantic surprise. Even one day just dress up nicely, put on a bit of makeup and wait for him to arrive home (if you live together) and i'm sure he'll enjoy whats waiting for him :) If he doesnt then maybe he is too comfortable and you need to talk to him about where to from here, but most guys would appreciate little gestures like this and it does bring that little rush feeling back again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2011): That new rush of love/lust is a wonderful feeling but I guess when it comes to longer term relationships, its only natural this feeling will fade. Instead comes the next step which is the deeper love, and theres also the comfortableness and arguing and commitment and sharing other things together.There is nothing wrong with enjoying that initial love rush feeling but what you need to do is realise that it may not last forever.I definitely am not experienced in long term relationships, i've had a couple but i know right now after 2 years, i still feel that buzz. I know this guy is the one for me, we live together and yet he still amazes me regularly with how fantastic he is. Instead of it being the nice nervous, amazed feeling at the beginning of the relationship, its the excited in love feeling of actually sharing my life with this amazing person and planning things like marriage and children, but also houses, holidays and other dreams.The other thing to think is that maybe you just havent found this person? Or maybe you have had such high expectations of what you should feel that you just havent been letting yourself feel what you need to.If you love your guy, stop expecting anything of him. Take a step back and realise all the difference he has made in your life. Start to work out whether you do have the same wants in life, whether he can meet your needs emotionally and however else.Also another thought is maybe try doing some things that you would normally do when first dating someone. Arrange a random date with him, or a nice romantic surprise. Even one day just dress up nicely, put on a bit of makeup and wait for him to arrive home (if you live together) and i'm sure he'll enjoy whats waiting for him :) If he doesnt then maybe he is too comfortable and you need to talk to him about where to from here, but most guys would appreciate little gestures like this and it does bring that little rush feeling back again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2011): Like in the Movies is what, two hours? In the movies is Biased because they tend to focus on the good times and even then, they end happy. And we should know by now, life has trials, hardships. Its a part of growth and teaches us to be grateful when the good times are happening.Ever thought to journalize your love, happy moments, romantic happenings? This way you can re read them and remember and relive them (to an extent)? Keeps the love and the why I love him alive.But where my reading has been of late... I'm thinking this 'need' for that 'high' is a symptom of something else. Its that feeling of distraction that tells me there is way more going on in you and has everything to do with your childhood. Because now it seems you believe your love life is bringing boredom. So you have been creating fights to bring back in some drama, spark - again distraction.Usually children from an unhealthy home have these patterns of behaviours but even more hard to trace is when a parent has been emotionally incesuous.Do you come from a single parent home? Do you have an extremely close relationship with Mom or Dad?I am going to suggest you seek counselling to address why you would feel the need to be in that constant state of high of falling in love. Thats not a realistic mind set.We can be dreamers and want the fairytale but life says, the falling in love should in fact mature into a stronger, deeper, mature bond. And if boredom sets in, time to rekindle the fires so to speak.Dates every Friday night, romantic notes, thoughtfulness, massages -that keeps the friendship and intimacy strong.So definitely address the underlying issues via counselling.
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male
reader, Odds +, writes (1 December 2011):
 It can be perfect, for a given value of "perfect." You've taken the first step towards more realistic expectations, and that step is the hardest. It's not too late to save things with your current man.
First, go do something nice and romantic for him. Be creative - use something from when you were first dating, but put a new twist on it. AS an example, I met one girl for the first time at an indoor rock-climbing gym. About eight months into the relationship, we went for a hike that ended with a quick climb over a boulder. I got two of my friends to put a picnic bucket (I couldn't find a basket) at the top of the boulder, approaching from the easy side, about fifteen minutes before we got there. "Oh look, how did this get here?" So get creative - come up with a romantic date idea. Try to do it once in a while.
Next, once you've done the big romantic thing, do some little things. You can surprise him with his favorite meal for twenty minutes' effort, and not even turn it into a date night - just a nice one. Or playfully sneak into the shower with him. Or fix him a drink when he looks like he's had a hard day, and just let him vent about it. Little things like that are what people tend to stop doing as the romance stops being effortless, but those are what make relationships in the long run.
Next, get more physical with him. I'm not referring to sex (though the more you do that, the better), but to everyday touching - kiss him for at least five or ten seconds every morning. Hug him for at least a long a couple of times a day. Rub his shoulders as you walk by him - or slap his ass. Encourage him to do the same. Touch is powerful, moreso than many people realize, and touching for more than a few seconds at a time releases hormones that build up our bond for other people.
Lastly, talk to him about it. Let him know that you've realized that romance with him is worthwhile and wonderful, but that you've never really thought about the effort involved before. Romance and love don't take care of themselves. Tell him you've done some growing up and want to keep things alive, and ask him to do it with you. Get him invested in it too - if necessary, you can apologize for some or all of the fights you've had before, but I doubt you'll need to.
Make sure the talk comes last. You want to set an example before you bring it up - action before words. Then give him some time to adjust to the new relationship dynamic. He'll come around.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (1 December 2011):
 He doesn't sound right for you. I also like the "in love" feeling, and while I agree, for some it will be lost and the relationship takes on a new form, I also believe that if you want to you can keep that feeling alive by courting each other and treating each other special. You are fighting for that feeling and it sounds like he isn't.
I've managed perfectly well to keep the rush and the excited feeling for over a year, in previous relationships. They say it's supposed to last only 6 months or so, but I know it can last longer. Sure, reality kicks in, but I am a romantic person, and I want to have a relationship where romance is kept alive, or at least fought for when it is lost.
I don't think you are being unrealistic about what kind of relationship you want, but I think you are being unrealistic to think you can change your boyfriend into being a romantic person when he isn't. If he shared your desire for a romantic relationship where you court each other rather than settle and get "comfortable" with each other, then this wouldn't have been a problem to begin with. He just doesn't see the same need as you do, and that's ok, people are different.
It's just that it is hard and difficult to find someone who matches you at all levels. Some dreams you just need to live out on your own, and some dreams you can only fulfill yourself. It gets to a point where you must decide if you will let your happiness depend on him, or take responsibility for your own happiness and say it's okay that he doesn't want what you want, or can't give you what you want. Maybe you can give yourself what you want by arranging romantic things, even if they are one-sided. It's up to you to decide. There could be other things that are more important to you in a relationship than this aspect.
I know of couples who are together for years but don't love each other. They are just together because they like each other and it works, and the relationship fulfills their needs. They don't have a need for romance and "in love" feelings and butterflies in the stomach. People are different. Me personally would want romance over comfortable settlement.
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