A
female
age
36-40,
*weetwine
writes:hi ....dear all .... i desperately need soem advice......... I am 29 years old married since 1 year 4 months.... i feel i have lost that love for my husband from the first few month itself.......because from the very first month i found the man changed what i thought he was and what his family had discussed about him and what actually he is doesnt match at all... (this was an arrange marriage)......... from the very first month ......... i found his family as well as him had lied to me and my family.......before marriage and till now.... every small small issue and things about them were techincally lied to us......... the first time my mom met him ( my dad passed away 7years now) so it my mom who went to meet him....she kind of liked the guy.... he was polite and innocent... looking man.... then i met him i had weird feelings that the guys seems to be good but doesnt match me..and my criteria.........still i was quite seeing every one else in my family happy..... then second day.......his fmaily met...my family again to discuss further ....my mom asked his parents y do they want their son to get marid to a gal who have studied abroad and of same age as the guy.....( in our country age is an issue we are of same age) , my in laws said that time "oh our son wants to go for PH.D eductaion in australia so we dont want him to go alone we would want him to get married and then take his wife along " ....... then he was working at very low salary...... that i accepted cause i know he is young and he can improve...and we were also told that ... his dad owns business .......abroad........and also they have import export business...and they were chairman of a school and had a building.... and they said many more which was fake and lie....more over i asked the guy..what was his plans he said he is doing job only for experience and later he would start business ..........when i was getting married that time just registered for my masters in interior designing........ and i thought i would not be able to continue as i was getting married.......( people in my country are intorvert thinking and more over girls mostly stop education or pursue their career after marriage).........affter i got married .......the first day ( the next day morning after weddign day) itself .........i found myslef in mess........ i had no clothes to wear............( its a custom the in laws should keep good pair of clothes for the new bride at home ..cause their would be guest and etc,.... comign home to see her)........ i was in my sleeping suit......then i had to arrange clothes by calling my home etc... and manage the situation ,,, i thoguht my in laws were too busy to keep a track of this......... i forgoe the situation......then the guests left home immediately which was another shock for me which never happends at my place ( guest remain for longer atleast a day.......... but here morning 9 am house was empty.....ok quit that.....later issues which made me upset was ........the gold which (our custom guys family and gals family gives gold to the gal) all their gold was breaking ... off cause they were as thin as possible but still its ok........... when i went to the gold shop to fix those gold bangles there was 2 different design ...(4 pairs of bangles)..and to my surprise .... only 2 bangles (1 pair) were of real gold and others were fake..and later i found almost half of the gold were fake.... i was so upset not for the gold the fact why did they lie to us before marriage that all these are gold they could have said it was not gold ..........then ..here GOD shows me all what was lied to to me the first month...... they had a retail business in the middle east around 10 years back... which is not there any more now.....then they are no more chairman of school nor do they have any import export business or any other business .they have only one shop that was also rented.... he dad said they have a 3 storey building which was lie also.....and .... later when i was insisting him to go for further education atleast i could be proud of.... his dad one fine day sits on the dinning table saying "no need to waste time in doing PH.D"......... then i realized forget about moving to australia .....they did not even have money to do the education in their own country whcih was cheaper.........(seeing all this i decided to continue my education cause i now know i have none i can depend on..... so i continue my Masters in interior design.......so i moved to my place UAE.... where im expat from many years)then ...to make it more worst .......... my mother in law.... she had bought a flat on instalment which was 2bedroom apartment.... and not ready then....... during marriage they rented out one 3 bedroom apartment.....and after 3-4 month they dont want to spend money on rented apartment..they want to move into their 2 bedroom apt ...... i was shocked all the furniture was the once i got as gift from my mom........... and now with all that they want to move to smaller apartment.....( i have one brother in law) ...... so i loose my privacy and no room for me .....as i was staying outside.....my furniture have space but not me........then i convinced my husband saying i dont want peoplet o insult his family,.......... by leting my family know that how financialy weak they are and how much they lied to us......then he managed to move to smaller old house but of 3 bedroom ........then once they had invited my family for lunch ....and my family were insulted to core........ they served them cold food (hahhahah i laugh now ) at 4 pm .......and my mother in law did nto talk to any one.... and int eh evening they did not even offer tea or snack to my family.....but look at their guts they invite 30 - 40 people from my family......int heir village for the first time... and treated baaaaaad ..........but the sweets and gift that was takne by my family....my mother in law she took all and kept in one room .....(funny lady knws how to take but not to share or give)...then later the maid gave tea that was with ant in the sugar she dint realize....... so there was ant in the tea...... (i couldnt help cause i was new to the place....as it was also first time for me in that village and i was suppose to be the new bride ).......then 2 EID (muslim occasion) there was no gift frm my in laws to me................in this 2 years.....where as my mom gives all expensive gifts to them on every occassion...........my mother in law wants to treat me like village gal......no studies stand beside while men having food ..... touch feet and greet people.....of old age...which i never do ........but i had to do to keep them happy............my mother in law she makes mistakes ...and still she wants her kids to respect her view....forget all these issue.....im not with them now...i manage to bring my husband with me to UAE and he got one small job .......difficult to manage his own expenses ......but right frm the beginning .....he ant keep me sexually happy.......i dont remember a day i was happy.......in the beginign i thought this is first time for both of us...so its normal to cum out soon ..but now its geting worst .....now i m ready to anything clean his clothes, give him food etc.... all his service but i hate sharing my body with him......i hate sleeping besde him.....even he had lied to me many thing....... 9 years of his part time job.... etc... he has no plannign bfr marriage .... and in fact he have loan on creadit card....and he knws the size of his pocket he still did make promises to me right bfr marriage to kae me for honeymoon and kind of made me dream which till today never came true.... i never insisted himt o take me far off... any whr... but he showed me dream of going to mauritius togetehr ...hahahahahah forget that till today he did not even take me to any place nearby within the country......when i asked him about why his parnts lied to us he says "i never knew about what my parents spoke to ur family" then when i asked him why did he mention in his bio data.....that his dad owns import export business.......to my surprise he say "i did not knw what bsns my dad does ... they told me such so i wrote int he data".......how is it possible a guy of 28 years(at the time of marriage ) does not knw what his dad does.........im now confused.....im not physically satisfied neither he now tries to undertsand me....now he thinks anything i ask him to do is to make him feel inferior.......and he always argues with me to win over my words.....i say thinking about his comfort but he feels im under estimating him....his parents have brought him up in such a way like puppet.....i feel under the shelter only study , eat and sleep.........no socializing .... not mingle with friends.... after marriage i still dont knw who is his good frnd... never heard him talking about any of his childhood memories....he sees only what is being shown........i dont feel love for him as husband .its my ethics,,, and morality im treating him as human....i feel osrry for him ... as he was not bought up like a man .... i feel he is so kiddish....i dont feel that passionate love for him,...........i dont know wat to do...my life changed frm a normal college goin to bsns entrepreneur after my fathers death.....it was only me and my mom............i feel im way too matured for my age...and the guy is like a kid....and more over becoz of his introvert character ....i dont want to introduce him to my frnds also... cause who ever i had introduced they all liked him.... and they said sarcastic "oh sweetwine ur hubby is still too young u hsud give him time to grow.........he is innocent too cute..."i knw they said positive but i feel bad when insulting him as well as me ............now even my mom is sick after realizing how did she chose this man for me..........even i have put on weight so much being into stress...stress shows on my face.....i want to avoid al this ......even when i was 27 -28 i used to look 21- 23but now im 29 i look 34.........pls suggest me..............what should i do......
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2011): Hi, I just read your post and I wanted to say that I think you should get a divorce. I understand that your cultural values are different to here in the UK but I also think that these people have lied on you and tricked you KNOWING that you will be reluctant to divorce because you will have to tae the 'shame'. It is totally unacceptable and I do NOT think that you should compromise yourself any further - you have been conned by liars and there is no way that you should even begin to try to work with them. Your own instincts were right from the very beginning but you were persuaded against them. Trust your instincts now. Unless women like you are brave and take this risk of being blamed, your culture will not change and this kind of bad practice will continue - you are fortunate to have something to look forward to - your interest in Interior Design - not every woman will have that and will stay trapped.
A
female
reader, sweetwine +, writes (4 December 2011):
sweetwine is verified as being by the original poster of the question guys thanx alot for ur responses and i shall try my best to work it out for couple of month..........ad if i see no change or improvement for good i think then i should leave rather than wasting time .... in this relationship....spoiling his life and my life tooo.
thanx to all........still ur welcome to put in more comments if u wish to help......
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A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (3 December 2011):
 Hi Sweetwine, I have sent an answer to your private mailbox at the top of the page. But maybe you will get better answers on here from aunts who are Asian or from your part of the world.Don't worry babes, there is no point. Go or stay, it is up to you, life is hard sometimes for everybody, do your best, that is all that you can do.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2011): You are being conned, get out of there now.
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A
female
reader, sweetwine +, writes (3 December 2011):
sweetwine is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhi how ru ? thanx alot for ur reply......and so sorry to disturb u...... i liked ur responseit was straight to the point......... i really appreciatei am still in delimma with my MAN , or u can even say im confused wihtin my self u were right about that the problem was in me... so true.... but u see till the time i realized wat was they.. i was fine with him..... say everything i did was without knowing him much and his family.... and i m now actually trying to keep aside the matters of his family and try to build future with him .......thats the reason i got him here in UAE tried and got a job and we r currently staying in my mothers house itself .....his salary is not enough to run a minimal house expenses ..for 2..... i do everyhting for him ... say from washing his clothes to making food for him and everyhting i have cut down all the expenses that would cause extra burden ...on him or on my mom ...(say even to go out for a drive or have food in a good restuarant)...... yes i do belong to well reputed and well established family.... we went for this family ...... looking at their simplicity..... not money .....even what we knew they had was less ..........but we did not care ..... but now its hard.... i can keep his family aside...... for what they had lied to us.......... and i still liked him because i thought he never lied it was his family..... later now when i realized he too lied to me .... i m just not able to keep that out of my mind......... and more over i thought he would be smart enought to mingle with my family .......but no he always wants to think negative...... and he will make face that no one next would like to talk to him..........and he always wants to win over my conversation.....if i tell him to do something he always tries to go against that,,,,,,,.......... and always either he will be mood off or he wil act so kiddish that i get embarassed infront of all people..... i joined in this site to seek help and i did complain to him couple of times.... and i also told him "please i want people to respect him....not say he is kid...." ,,, but till today i never said anythign to his family ...and even if they had lied to me and made all false statements still i make sure that from mysdie there is no chance for them to complain ......... i tell him but never let it reach to his family of=r even insult them... yes u were right if he was older he would punish me ..... but only if he was running my expenses and taking up his responsibilites and duties..... frm the time i was married never got any sort of help or support in anything from him.... ok i understand he is yet small and need time... but what about his family atleast they should take my responsibilites...... if not fully atleats abit.....im not asking for gold or clothes or materialistic stuffs.........i just want them to maintain infront of people what image they had build up by lying atleast try to .... i feel bad ......... when people understand his character that kidish he only sees and learns what is shown or taught to him... i wanted a man who would learn frm the situation....... they always think about themselves and ..i m a kind of girl who never saw any one goin empty hand or empty stomach frm her home.... if i have guest let it be poor or rich i make sure they have good food..... which they dont do they think guest are just trouble maker and give them damp.. food etc... and maid is treated like no human ......i hate this in his fmaily his mom had made them such that only both mom n dad and the two brothers....where as in my family we are all together ......even being so far from my country we all are still connected........ i love to give not to take thats why may be now when i have to wait and take and not able to give then i m feeling bad.......Koran says wife should fullfil all needs of husband and so the same rule goes for husband too.........i dunno wat to do...only GOD can help me ......... may be this is in my asian culture.....and even in religion ....... women's first duty is to fulfil the duties within home.... for her parents, husband and kids....and man is responsible for the world outside...and its important............ that a man when he is geting marid he should be responsible enought atleast to bear his and his wife's day to day expenses..... not like the wife still has to take a single penny even if she is sick.........coz her mother in law thinks that the gal has come to her house with bad luck and lots of expenses ........and the gal is unlucky....
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (1 December 2011):
Yes in arranged marriages (not forced) it's important that people tell the truth about who they are and what they offer, that's all you have on which to make a decision. Lying is very bad. Not very familiar with your wedding traditions, but the morning after sounds bad. If you should have clothes and guests, and gold, then you must have felt very alone in a very strange world. It sounds like they lied about the money, they don't have as much as they promised, they lied to get you, and it's not what was promised or expected.Yes you have your Muslim traditions, but in all families people do things differently. Here in the UK, our Muslim people probably do things different from you. Your family sound richer and respect education. Him, his family and friends, they sound like poor, simple people, and the things they do is normal to them. This is a bad arranged marriage, you two (and your families) do not suit.Your husband is right, you do feel he's inferior, you do look down on him. Money, education, yes, in your culture it's important, but I don't think the Koran says these are the most important things. I understand you are unhappy, but I don't think his family or him can be happy with you. Nothing they do or say makes you happy, he travelled to the UAE with him, but still you complain. For 1yr and 4months you complain and complain about everything. You keep complaining about the promises made before marriage, but he can't change that now. He can't relax and be happy with a wife who is always complaining about money things. The gold is no good, the house is no good, husbands job is no good.. all of this is about money, not about anything else. You sound like money is the only thing you care about. But I don't really understand your traditions. Things are different in the UK.1. Don't know your laws, but can you divorce him. You are unhappy, he is unhappy, they lied about being rich and you need a husband with more money.2. Can you leave him, go back to your mothers house and go back to study and live life like before.3. Can you try to understand him - so he is young and he is poor, can't you try to work together with him to build a happy married life. Arrange marriages don't start out with love, you have to work hard to become a good wife. Nagging and complaining all the time will make your marriage to hard. Aren't you supposed to care about what your husband needs, and what will make him happy, isn't that what you should be concentrating on, not how good the bangles were on your wedding day.4. Your husband doesn't seem to be causing you stress, your doing that all by yourself. You want him to be rich, and you cannot respect him for the way he is. Even your friends say "he is young, he is cute, wait for him to grow", but you want him to be a great lover, a rich man, right now. He cannot grow if you keep complaining all the time. That's not how you get a man to grow and become successful. A good wife would give him praise, say nice things to him, make him feel glad to come home, make him stronger so he can go be better in the world.I think that you are the problem. You are not acting like a good wife. If he was a stronger man, or an older man, you wouldn't be able to act like this because he would punish you.If you cannot settle and try harder to make the marriage good, then leave him. Divorce, go back to your mothers, or go out into the world by yourself. He lied, but you love money, maybe you might suit after all.PS: The sex thing - he doesn't know what he is doing, but neither do you. It's not his fault you are both ignorant. You are stressed, but so is he, you turn away in the bedroom. No wonder he goes to fast at sex, the man is probably frightened of you. Stop complaining, be a better wife, treat him nicely, say nice words, and ask him to slow down on sex. Of if he goes quickly, let him sleep, then wake him up and start again. He will go more slowly the 2nd time.
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A
female
reader, chickpea2011  +, writes (1 December 2011):
 Hi,
I am asian, so I am familiar with the traditions. It's very different mind to understand. Your traditions are very similar to mine, so I understand the exchange of gifts, the duties each side of the family have. It's not about money, value, but responsibilities, and most important respect...
The only thing I can say is for you to get a divorce? But, I know it's very shameful for the woman to get divorce. Some families will not allow...
Can you get a divorce? You seem like a smart, nice young lady. It's so sad that you have to live this way, so much stress, and so unhappy. I know it's very complicated, it's difficult, it's not like USA when people get divorce so easily, and there's no shame. It's hard to believe that some countries still have this kind of mentality. Arrange marriage?
I shouldn't judge, because each country have their own rules, their own traditions... It's their own beliefs... It's no one to blame, because it's how one person is raised by their own family... Everybody have the right to live life the way they believe is right. I also feel sorry for your husband... He's a victim himself.
I am sorry that you have to live in such a pain, if loosing your father wasn't enough? (sorry for your loss- My mother passed away 9 years ago, so I know how difficult is to continue living life without a love one)
I hope God can help you answer your questions.
Good luck!
Best wishes...
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A
male
reader, Rabz  +, writes (1 December 2011):
 Well this is what's your religion and culture is about and this is what the marriage arrangment cause desaster, if you were so lucky you will love the man, even if he had so much money and have a nice life, you might not like him , he might treat you as a maid and telling you im paying for this and that and you should do this and that, i believe mariage isn't about money, it's about feelings, respect and sharing...if girls in the gulf will always think about money and how rich her emarati man will be they will end up in a very materialistic relation ship, a mariage should be built on a plan drawed by both partner, it's like a contract or a business deal, you make sure that everything is clear and there is a start point....I believe this is what you were looking for someone to help you financially and you were drawned by his lies , the gold, australia and the buildings...SOlution is just open up to him and either you end the relation in a nice peacefull way, or if you really care for him and have feelings for him which i doubt then stick to him and help him out by finding a job...but i believe the best solution for you is to get divorced , you still young and you can still move on and start up a new life....that was ur luck to end up in such thing to learn...for the next time and to teach your friends,family and anyone in the GULF to wake up and never go for an arrange mariage....
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