A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am getting married in September and have chosen my bridal party. My sister is supposed to be a bridesmaid in my bridal party. We had a falling out after I had asked her and she had said she no longer wanted to be a part of the wedding. The reason for our falling out is because of her drug addict and currently incarcerated boyfriend. The whole family wishes that she would wisen up and leave him, however, she refuses to. We got into an argument and things were brought up in the argument and she feels as though I bashed her and her boyfriend. That being said she said she no longer wanted to be a part of the wedding. It has been a couple of months since our falling out and me being the less dramatic person reached out to her and try to smooth things over. There are more details to the story however I believe they're a bit Irrelevant for this post. During our conversation to try to smooth things out she let me know that one of the things that she was most upset about was how she felt as though I bashed her relationship with her boyfriend. That was never my intention and honestly never said anything out of line or untrue in my opinion. Anyway moving on she said that she would like to be a part of the wedding again however her currently incarcerated boyfriend will be getting out of jail the day before hand. So she kind of put me in a tough position and said that she expected him to be invited to the wedding, and if he was not invited to the wedding that she would come take part in the ceremony but then would have to leave shortly after to be able to spend time with him. I'm very hurt by this because I feel as though she could give up the one day to be with him in order to be with me and my family. He is not welcome to the wedding both my fiance and I are in agreement for that. So where do I go from here? I really don't want to invite him especially since it's not just my day it's my fiance's day as well and he definitely does not want him to attend. I also believe my family would not want him to attend as well. They do not have good feelings towards him and are in the same boat as I am and wishes that she would leave him. That being said how do I handle this? What do I say to my sister to not upset her and to have her still take part in my special day (without her boyfriend)?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (23 March 2017):
 Okay your sister is an adult and she can date whomever she likes. So you and your family really need to accept that. She is capable off making her own decisions even if you feel they are the wrong ones.
Now on to your wedding. I get why you don't want to invite him. But you just need to be straight with your sister say to her you would love her to be their but you and your fiance don't want her boyfriend their as you are scared it will cause drama on your big day with your family. Simple as that then leave it be. If she comes to the ceremony and leaves then at least she made the effort to be part off your day.
A
female
reader, chachacha  +, writes (16 March 2017):
It is good that you and your sister have made up. It is also good that she will come to the wedding ceremony, even if her bf is not invited.
Even though you may think he is bad news (and he probably is), the fact is that she clearly has feelings for him and I can totally understand why she would not want to spend the entire day at your wedding if he has just got out of jail the day before.
It rather depends how awful he is - if you can bear him to be at the wedding then ask him too. If he is really, really awful, then thank your sister for at least coming to the ceremony, and say that you understand she prefers to spend the rest of the day with him, and just be an adult about it and move on.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 March 2017):
 Accept her compromise of her coming to the ceremony alone and not attending the party afterward.
While you might want her there, she feels if her BF can't come she won't attend and THAT you have to respect.
You can't MAKE her come solo to the party, but you CAN stick to your guns and NOT invite her BF. Honestly, if YOUR soon-to-be husband and the REST of the family don't want him there, he shouldn't be there.
There are plenty of other people there to celebrate your day.
SHE will be the one regretting this attitude sooner rather than later.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (14 March 2017):
 Your sister is being a total brat and doesn't realize the mess she's getting herself into by being with this guy. There is no way you or anyone from your family can convince her because right now she's in a love haze where the boyfriend can do wrong and her own family are the bad guys who don't understand and appreciate the two of them. Sadly, is not up to you to help her. She will learn the hard way.
Meanwhile, don't let her arm-twist you into letting her boyfriend come for the wedding. Tell her that is her decision as to how she prioritizes you. If that means just coming for the sake of it and then leaving to be with the guy, then so be it. That's her choice. In no way does that mean that you and your family will accommodate him. It's she who will look bad in the end in front of everyone present and of this is what she wants then great, so be it.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (14 March 2017):
 Actually I think that your sister came up with a reasonable and acceptable compromise.
You won't invite her bf- you can't invite him because the groom does not want him at the wedding , and as you say yourself , this is HIS wedding too and he has power of veto on the wedding list.
This leaves your sister struggling with divided loyalties, in an uncomfortable either / or position. Normally , the bride's brother -in-law ( or sister's live in companion or official partner anyway ) is invited , and not inviting is a bit of a slap in his and your sister's face ( justified by the circumstances and totally understandable. I'd probably do the same, so I am not criticizing ).
In theory your sister should react " If my SO is not welcome, then I am not coming either ! ". Instead, she is being reasonable and refuses to polarize the situation. She accepts to attend the ceremony, she'll just miss the reception, in order to spend time with her (ill-chosen ) SO, whom she has not been seeing for quite a while , whom she ( alas ) cares about same as she cares about family, and to whom she has partnership obligations.
Would you equally be upset , or would you insist to change your sister's mind , if she chose to skip the reception to reconnect with a partner just out of the hospital after a long illness, or just back from a long work assignment in a far foreign land ?... Maybe not. Yes I get it, if they have been living separated is just this guy's fault, he did not NEED to do stuff leading him to jail, but as far as your sister is concerned , unluckily, that is not relevant. He IS her partner and she wants to show him support and welcome him back home after a long absence, as a loyal partner would do.
Personally, I think that, considering there have been misunderstings and ruffled feathers very recently , it is already a positive thing that your sister accepts to be at the wedding part-time, and does not feel, or is not forced to, make a choice between her fanily and her love object. In the way she suggested , she can balance her committments and , if you care about rebuilding a good relationship with her , ... let her do that graciously and unconditionally. You will have so many other people there for you for the whole time on your special day, I don't think that your sister having to leave sooner will make it any less special.
Then , of course, let's keep our fingers crossed and hope that she wises up and ditches the ex-con ASAP , but, that's all you can do, keep your fingers crossed, your sister is an adult and has the right to live her life as she sees fit, bad choices included.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (14 March 2017):
 You need to let your sister make her own decisions, and accept those decisions. If she wants to leave after the ceremony, let her. Its not such a special day you need her full attention all day, or that you can get married without her. You see her now, you plan this with her, she is here in your life. Dont push her further away. Accept her decisions and be thankful for the time she does want to spend with you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2017): "What do I say to my sister to not upset her and to have her still take part in my special day (without her boyfriend)?"
You're asking the impossible. Nothing short of inviting her boyfriend to the wedding will appease her, so there's no way you can ask her to take part without him and not upset her.
It's YOUR day, don't let her emotionally blackmail you into giving in to her demands.
At the risk of sounding unkind, perhaps it's best she stay away altogether; that way you won't have to worry about unnecessary distractions and she'll be free to devote all her energy to joyously reuniting with her ex-jailbird where her priorities so obviously lie.
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